Free Spirited

Grey Dove

2012-01-16T21:11:00.001+08:00

This evening, something extraordinary happened. Maybe to some of you would think that this is just nothing. But, I truly think the following event might be fated or something that cannot be explained.

Well, today I was supposed to continue research for my final-year-project. However, I procrastinated until afternoon. When I wanted to start my research, I only realised that I left my pendrive in my car, which my mom had driven out. So I was unable to start, which gave me another opportunity to procrastinate.When my mom came back with my car, I made another excuse not to get my pendrive as the sun was too hot for me to go out. By the late evening, I finally budged myself to make a move.

It was just few seconds away from my front gate and getting the pendrive from my car. When I was entering the front gate, a grey dove was just standing right in front (or in the middle) of my door step. As I move nearer, it was not scared of me. As I stood just right beside and touching its feathers, it didn’t move until I gave it a gentle push. It walked a few step away from me, but didn’t run away. So I attempted to touch it. As I caressed it, it just stood there as I did so. Finally, I decided to carry it up and it did not make any struggle what-so-ever. I quickly ran to my mom and sister showing what I’ve found.

Concluding that it might be hurt, we put it in a bird cage; serving it with paddy rice and water but it did not heed any of the food and drink. It just sat there resting quietly. We left the cage open, so that it could fly away whenever it wants.

While I was at the living hall thinking about the bird, I recalled, during my childhood time, how my father; sister and I found a bird. That bird was also as helpless as this bird. Judging by this current bird’s symptoms, this bird is almost near to its last breath as well.

Less than one hour after we left it, I went over to have a look, it looked like it don’t even have the strength to sit or stand properly. Its wings and tail were sprayed open as if trying to make an effort to stand. Its neck is bent as if trying to rest or hide. My first instinct told me is that this bird only left a few seconds or minutes.

I quickly ran over to my mom and told her, and she quickly made prayers for this bird so that it could have a good moment before its end. My mom, sister and I made prayer together for this bird. In just a few minutes, it passed away. I did not witness its last breath. I was in the toilet due to nature’s call as I can’t hold it anymore. My mom told me that its head made a small movement as if holding its last breath before it passed away. We made our final prayer for this bird before we bury it in a nearby park.

Maybe some of you might not understand why I would think that this is something extraordinary. In Buddhism, before each being passed on, they will see many things. And the those images seen by each being before passing away would determine where its soul would go. Hence, by making prayers to any being before and after death, we hope that the prayers would lead the souls to a better place.

I asked myself: What if I did not went out to get my pendrive at that time? Will I still be able to help this bird on it last moments? Why didn’t it go to someone else’s house? Why did it stood right in front of my doorstep? Everything during that particular event felt like it has been arranged. The timing and place was just right. I felt that it knew that we could help to ease its last moment, that’s why it stood there right in front of me. I felt honoured that we were able to help it.

May he be well and happy always

2011-01-10T23:05:00.003+08:00

It had been almost a month since I got my 1st pet rabbit. We changed his name a few times already. Initally was Bit-bit, then Le-le, finally Win-win. Currently he's just 7weeks old. We been through alot with him in such a short time. Taking care of him, worrying for him, feeding him, cleaning him, bringing him to vet and everything that we can do to keep him at his best.

I haven't seen Win-win for almost a week now as I've got exam to focus and cannot take care of rabbit.

However, I just received news that he had ran away. My mom had no time to take care of him as she's very busy over new house's matters, so she sent to my aunt to take care. Just this morning, my aunt pitied him for being prison in a cage, so she let him out in the living hall to run around. In a glimpse of a moment, when my aunt went to take food, he was gone. No where to be found. That was what I heard.

When I got the news, I know that I had to accept the fact and let go. But, some part of me just felt that something is lost. I missed him dearly. During this 1week of not being able to see him, I thought of him every night and day. I am sad. No words can explain my lost.

My mom was sad too. She was the one that took care and spent most time with him. I hope that my mom is alright. She's worry that I cannot cope with this lost and distract me from my exam. My results will not be the reason for this lost. I hope that my mom can understand. I know that she beliefs in me that I am strong to take this on and move on.

I understand everything happens for a reason. I do not blame anyone. I just hope, wish and pray that Win-win will be well, happy, and healthy. May he be blessed.

I will let you go from my heart now, with all the blessings that I can give to you.

I love you, Win-win. Take care.

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #22

2010-12-22T22:10:00.003+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I've got a new rabbit yesterday. My first pet. He's just 3weeks old. But he's so approachable and warm-hearted. Although he's still fragile and weak, he's still energetic in his own way. Lovable indeed. ^_^
Managed to study some for exam. Eventhough it is not much as I expect myself to absorb in this duration. Well, looking things at half-full is better than half-empty.
My complexions got better after expose less to air-conditioning. Really harmful to my skin.. dehydrated my skin..made me more wrinkles and looked rough.
Learning to let go of my attachments towards the rabbit. Otherwise, I would not be able to sleep well, study well and eat well. Glad that I am able to realise my own suffering early so that I know what to do for myself.
Although I am anxious and feeling more stress for exam as the days got nearer. I am able to calm myself and reassure myself that I will be able to cope with the exam with enough knowledge to build my confidence. =D

His name is Le-Le. As in Kuai Le means Happy in Chinese.

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #21

2010-12-01T22:50:00.002+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I came to realise that things aren't as bad as it seems. After cooling my head, I am capable to see so much good sides of him. Even more, I am able to feel his sincere love for me. I suppose that when all is well, the end is well. =D
Get to do a little bit more for the Group Project. A small contribution weekly, it will reap a mountain of efforts in the end. Synergy!
Get to watch finish Hong Kong drama: No Regrets. Wonderful drama, good lessons and stories to learn.
Realised that I no longer bathe almost 1 hour. Somehow I've managed to fasten my pace in grooming myself... that I only require +/- 30minutes.
Happy to live yet another day that is filled with wonderful lessons for me to learn. ^_^

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #20

2010-12-01T01:39:00.002+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I get to study a bit for PED. Managed to understand a little bit more from example sheet.
Watch drama whole day.
Feels like weekeend.
Trying to forgive him for lying to me. Hope that I can trust him. Is he telling me the truth? I don't know. Atleast I can assumed that he still care about my feelings that he had to lie to me.
I am grateful that my head is clear, that I don't throw tantrum like a few years back. I am able to control my emotions better. I don't care what others think about how emotional I am. Atleast I know that I have improved. And I will keep on improving.
Learning to love and protect myself.

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #19

2010-11-27T23:34:00.002+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I got a new lappy: Mini HP from streamyx unipax. =p
Dyed hair.
Eat nice home-cooked noodle for lunch and delicious restaurant seafood dinner.
Read manga and watch drama.
I realised that I must start studying..Woan Wei, you can do it!! >o<

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #18

2010-11-21T00:22:00.002+08:00

I am happy and thankful that...

I have recovered from sickness 90%. Yay! ^o^
Managed to do and complete weekly individual report for group project in 3hours.
Had hair treatment and good massage.
Rested well and watched tv.
I think I've slim downed a bit. Hehhehh.. xD

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #17

2010-11-20T00:27:00.003+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I got to rest more, and managed to recover a little bit from fever and flu.
Able to finalise the group project questionnaires yesterday.
Being cared for.
Get to live another day.
I'm sweating! =p

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #16

2010-11-17T23:12:00.004+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

Eventhough that I am sick again(the 2nd time of the month), I am able to get the best out from it.
I managed to do 10% of my EMA2 lab report and small findings on the economics part for the group project. I consider this to be a productive day.
Had a large piece of Tiramisu cake in Secret Recipe.
Enjoy eating banana, apple and drinking tea.
Get to lazy around yesterday.
Decided that I would like to drop Mathematics for ODE, and take-up Mathematics for PDE. Found that the lecturer whom I respected is teaching MPD. Hope that I get to switch to this subject, and be able to cope with this subject with flying colours.
Catch up with a friend of mine after years of not keeping in touch.
Glad to know that there's still people looking into my blog.

~I smile with my eyes closed~

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #15

2010-11-03T23:10:00.003+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I've managed to overcome my negative self day-by-day and being mindful bit-by-bit.
Managed to exercise twice already this week.
Have a good mangas reading. - I' really excited with what is going happen in the next chapter for every single manga.
Managed to contribute more for my group project.
Managed to study a wee bit for FWA subject. - hoping to start PED studies soon.
Relationship ups and downs. Glad that I've managed to handle it with less negativity, and with more love.
I'm learning to forgive myself bit-by-bit.

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #14

2010-10-23T22:10:00.001+08:00

I am happy and grateful that...

I am back home.
Eat dinner with family.
Have facial mask.
Lazy around and watch tv.
A clean room to stay.

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #13

2010-10-21T23:33:00.002+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I get to finish Assassin Creed. Finally!~ ^o^
Get to contribute a little bit to group project.
Manage to take a good nap today.
Learnt something in class.
Get to play Ipad and Kirby! ^o^

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #12

2010-10-19T23:28:00.002+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I managed to finish and hand-in my PED1 report today.
Managed to study a few pages of notes.
Get to relax.
I am well and healthy.
Get to play games and go online.
Knowing what I want; do not give-in on being stepped-on by people. I deserve to be treated better.
I accept the way I am.

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #11

2010-10-17T22:04:00.002+08:00

I am happy and grateful that...

I still remember to update my blog.
Managed to complete 50% of my PED1 report.
Managed to contribute a little bit to my group project.
Get to watch movies and play games.
Him being by my side.
Get to use internet.
Eat well, managed to control a better diet.
Listen to music.
Joke around.
Having supportive friends.

~^_^~

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #10

2010-10-10T12:16:00.002+08:00

oh uh.. now only reach the tenth day of my mission. =0

I am happy and grateful that..

I am now back at home..get to lazy around. xD
Got hair treatment yday.
Still learning to do better in my romance relationship.
Still can sleep peacefully after a mosquitoes night attack!! @n@
Plu had a good bath yday.
My skin has improved after my body hormone has balanced up. =D

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #9

2010-10-02T22:36:00.002+08:00

So basically, I only get to blog when I got the chance to sit down and do my private stuff online. Otherwise, I only get to come online for studies purpose. TcT"

I am happy and grateful that..

I get to do facial today.
Get to play Assassin Creed from his ps3.
He still loves me.
I'd drived safely back home.
Happy to be alive! ^o^

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #8

2010-09-28T19:29:00.003+08:00

I was not able to go online during the weekend as I was busy packing, cleaning, unpacking and preparation for my new semester in the uni. So, here is the continuation gratitude attitude practice..

I am happy and grateful that..

I am a certified Dendrographologist - passed the test!
I am back at uni and manage to clean up and arrange everything in place.
Doing my best for the internship report.
Just managed to finish my presentation slide for tomorrow's industrial training presentation.
My relationship with him have ups and downs, but we are able to sail through them.
Drive safely on the road.

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #7

2010-09-24T23:46:00.003+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I get to eat the black pepper fried spaghetti that I craved since last night.
Manage to study and memorised a bit for dendrographologist certification test tomorrow.
My new house's rabbit is all healthy, safe and sound.
Eat curry chicken again.
He still forgive and accept my flaws, and loving me.
Finish with my mom the filing drawer level 1.

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #6

2010-09-23T21:41:00.002+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I get to attend Walton's investment talk and lunch today so that I can learn more about investments.
A little progress with my mom for her filing.
Exercise and stay healthy.
Less procrastination today. Took actions for the important things.
Still learning to be happy and seeing my own mistakes.
He is all safe and sound.

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #5

2010-09-22T22:43:00.003+08:00

I am happy and thankful that..

I can be of help to my mom in her work, to share her burdens.
Take care of my new house's rabbit.
Get stamps from the company, that I used to have intern with, for the left out docs.
Learn how to fill in the cash deposit envelope.
A filling lunch.
Lotza kids to hug to sleep.

Happy Mooncake Festival or Mid-Autumn Festival!~~

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #4

2010-09-21T21:08:00.002+08:00

I am happy and grateful that..

I get to work-out today.. and my leg can bare the strain.
Eat nice organic fried-rice with curry for lunch.
Fruit juice for dinner.
Have a power nap before help my mom's office work.
He still cares for me and jokes with me.
The internet did not die on me..

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #3

2010-09-20T21:19:00.002+08:00

Today, I am happy and grateful that..

I get to rest at home today.
My leg feels better a bit.
Eat curry chicken for dinner.
Watch Project Runway S8 E8.
Listen to music with good headphone ( given my him, my hunny).

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #2

2010-09-19T20:54:00.002+08:00

I am grateful and happy that..

My leg is well treated after being sprained.
My mom care about me and my health.
Get to eat fish head dish with my mom.
Ate honey-dew with sagu and durian ice blended desert.
I still can move my leg.

5 Things that I Am Grateful: Day #1

2010-09-18T22:40:00.003+08:00

I am grateful and happy that..

I can chat and share with my mom's problems and learn from her problems to overcome some of my problems.
I get to share some nice video and tv show with my mom.
Maid clean my room.
Water to drink.
Eat less, but healthier.
Manage to read Kateikyoushi Hitman Reborn manga until the lastest series.
Let myself lazy around at home.

Smiles... ^_^

Lists of the things that I am thankful for..Day #0

2010-09-17T23:23:00.008+08:00

I have not really been in touch with my soul, and depression symptoms seems to show. And after I suspected that the depression is coming back, I did tests from a few online websites to check whether I'm reverting back in that state. Looks like it though...I tried to search for help..but I realised that ranting to people on how I felt would not helped me. It only made me fall into a negative-habit-spiral. I truly feel and know that they care, but the only way to find happiness is from within me.

So a change of strategy. A motivating and aspiring book that I've read long time ago, Happy for No Reason, made one of its suggestions that listing all the things that I am grateful for today on everyday basis would be a baby step to happiness. So I am going to start this plan again. I've practiced this before, but what I did last time was verbally when wake up and before sleep everyday. However as time goes by, I got busy with my life, this habit seems to slipped out of me.

Here I am, going to start on an atleast-5-things-that-im-thankful-day-to-day-list for a period of 60 days (ie. 2months) in written-form. Hopefully, I may be a happier person by the end of the 60 days period.

For warm-up, today will be Day #0:-
I am grateful and happy that..

I have manage to complete 12weeks of industrial training.
Made a few friends from the internship.
Having good lunch and filling dinner.
That he still care and love me.
Having a family, ie. mommy, father, sis.. etc.
Completed the hardware circuit (for the internship company) that I spent so much effort on.
Able to realise that I lost myself so much and wanting to be better.

This baby step is not that bad. Looks like I've managed to list more than 5 things. I am grateful about this too. ^_^

Being able to give myself credit and saying thank you to myself and things around me truly help to boost my self-image, -confidence, and -esteem.

Looking forward for tomorrow's list...

The journey to my Heart.

2010-07-26T20:23:00.009+08:00

Feeling stuck somewhere.
Wanting to get out. How?
Finding what’s most important to me isn’t helping.
Why clinging to such feelings?
Attachments.
Attachments are what made us suffer.
The greatest attachment is the ego.
The ego that makes you think whether
You deserve the respect, love, efforts put in, etc.
Being aware and be free of all these require a strong heart.
I want to be stronger.
I want to be able to smile like I used to smile,
When I was daring to smile even in my most hardest and trying times.
I want to be carefree again.
Watching and observing kids are such privilege in this grown-up world.
We all have choices in life.
Making wrong choices do not mean the end of the world.
Be brave enough to accept who we are.
Our flaws, our beauties, our families, our friends, and our enemies.
We are a part of One World.
Seeing ourselves within the universe humble us down.
We are but a tiny dust in this space and time.
Worry? Why worry?
Taking everything easily makes things far better and happier.
However easily they are, do it all with your heart.
Going with the flow, be part of nature.
Don’t you think we are much happier, feel more alive,
Smelling and feeling the refreshing wet air in the morning.
Appreciating the present moment.
That is what you called being alive.
Being aware of ourselves means being aware of our surroundings.
Be free of thoughts and feelings, these delusions.
Free at last, free at last!
I’ve finally found the light within myself.

~written by me~

~May you be well, peaceful and happy~

touching.. =c

2010-05-01T13:00:00.001+08:00

To those who are married, .. Not married .. and
soon to be married, I hope you will be touched with this story...

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and
said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly,
why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the
chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't
talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what
had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory
answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just
pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent
ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for
her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I
had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of
me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a
kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several
weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something
at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell
asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not
care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want
anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a
life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken
marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to
recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of
our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going
crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd
request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to
face the divorce, she said scornfully..

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we
both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy
in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to
the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in
my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about
the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the
office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I
hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I
wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy
returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was
growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry
her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few
dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my
dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her
heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an
essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer
and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I
might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms,
walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her
hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly;
it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held
her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I
held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked
intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the
door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked
upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not
want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have
a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I
won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I
didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each
other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on
our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed
the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my
wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and
wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I
run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a
relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the
bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot
give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend
and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a
real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they
were to success when they gave up.

-this story is from facebook =D

2010-03-17T18:03:00.001+08:00

Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. ~Veronica A. Shoffstall, "After a While," 1971

How am I?

2010-03-12T22:48:00.002+08:00

Dear blog, sorry for not writing for so long.

Recently I realized that I have some major changes on myself.

I’ve been emotionally unstable again. However, I did manage to get hold of myself and overcame my own insanity.

I’ve been losing my self-discipline lately. Did not take actions most of the time for the things that I want to do. Procrastination. I find it really hard to take the first step of self-discipline after losing it. I have not been hanging out with most of my friends that is precious to me.

I want to be able to quickly take actions on whatever decisions I made. I want to respect time. I want to be able to be more efficient in what I’m doing. I want to have less emotion down-turn. I want to smile more. I want to be happy always. I want to be less calculative. I want to always think positive. I want to be a smart learner. I want to be physically and mentally fit. I want to be surrounded by friends that can encourage and support whatever I do without any judgments on me. I want to be a good person. I want to be able to truly express myself how ever I want to without people judging me. I want to improve myself.

If today were my last day, what will I do? I do not know. Am I to spend my time doing the things I like most? Or spend doing things that is my duty but not something I truly want.

What do I want the most in life? I do not know. Maybe, just by being happy will do.

However, sometimes losing life’s purpose isn’t that bad: when once in awhile remembering things that I truly want and dreamt of in life, that will be a relief.

As for love life, I believed that I’ve found someone better and suited me better. However, life isn’t that easy even though a better person came into your life. My honeymoon period is over. It is time to come back to reality. I will do my best to learn and accept what he truly is (good and bad points). In this relationship, I’ve learnt more about perseverance, patience, tolerance, respect, non-judgmental attitude, etc. I am still not able to full be a good girlfriend, but I’m doing my best.

In addition, this relationship is objected by my father due to same surname. I truly hope that my father would be able to respect me as this is my own life. I respect his traditional point of view, but I hope that he can respect mine as well.

I know that I have not been tending the garden of my life that much. Too much weeds around now. Hopefully I would be able to take the first step and start a much-stronger-and-self-discipline-attitude.

That’s all for now.

Way Back into Love

2009-12-11T22:09:00.002+08:00

A song of my new beginning, our new beginning...

Song lyrics | Way Back Into Love lyrics

With love! Enjoy~

The Climb~

2009-11-12T16:15:00.003+08:00

I will keep on doing me best!
Enjoy the song~

Going where the wind blows~

2009-10-17T13:53:00.001+08:00

Whatever life has to offer, I'll just take it.

That's how I feel right now.

Enjoy,

Going where the wind blows.

Twallaalaaa~

2009-10-02T19:48:00.006+08:00

Summer is finally over.
Uni-life year1 just started.
Week1 was quite a breeze.
However, the waves of challenges are coming soon.
And I am prepared for it.

Most of the list of things I wanted to do during the summer only achieved about 10%.
So…
What have I achieved during the summer?
I’ve learn more about myself; what I really want in life, my heart and my dreams.
I’ve learnt to be more feminine. So the time has come for me to learn to be a lady since I’ve told myself that after 21 years old that I need to do so.
I’ve learnt about improving my image.
I’ve learnt to control my emotions better.
I’ve learnt to respect myself and others more.
Learn to bond with people that are close to me.
There are still tons of things that I’ve achieved, but the aforementioned are those that I can recall.

A week before uni start, it was one of the most happening events during the summer:-
Went out with secondary friends: Sou’s farewell outing. Consist of Sou, Zie, Jess, Lavania, Alin and me.
Went out with college friends: Kevin’s birthday. Consist of Kevin, Joo Hor, Chee Leong and me.
Meet up with old friend: Umair.
Bought new phone; and beautify myself. =P
Many more.. ^^”

For these pics, check out my facebook.

During the first week of uni life, I’ve manage to bond back with quite a number of friends. There are still a lot more friends that I need to catch up with. I just need to slowly find time and hang out with them. ^_^

Just yesterday, I went to climb Broga Hill for the 3rd time in life. ^_^
It was really fun. Climbed with WenShan, WenShin, Sarah, LianHing, PooiMun, KengMun, KamHing, PingShen and Suan. Then got terrible sun-burnt. ^^”

Group Photo

Me!

My sun-burn.

Can see the differeance better now? Compared to my fair thigh. =P

Oh ya.. This noon did some funny stuff. Took this pics. Colourful aye~

The middle one, Blue is mine. Plu~~

Green is Wenshan's and Orange is Kengmun's.

I think that’s all for now. Those friends that I still haven’t catch up and hang out with at uni, wait for me ya. ^_^

Appreciation-in-practice: I am grateful that I am able to experience so many things in life. Whether it is good or bad, I am thankful for it. May all the experiences that I've gone through made me more whole in person. I am grateful that the universe is always out there to support me. Thank you.

Phyre!

2009-09-22T18:52:00.005+08:00

my 5800 shall be named

PHYRE!

p.s. Phyre is a female. ^_^

O hail 5800~

2009-09-21T18:18:00.003+08:00

Hehe..

Just got my new phone!

So happy. ^_^

I guess this is the last time I'll be having the Big Expenses for the summer.

I'm still thinking a name for this new phone.

Will let you know in the next update.

Introduction of Plu~

2009-09-04T20:11:00.004+08:00

Just got my car today.

His name is Plu.

Yeah, he's a male.

^_^

After I got him, We had interesting and exciting journey back home.

At first I was nervous on driving him.

Eventually, I got used to him.

Although he's all brand new, I don't have a proper place to park him.

My house's car park is full, since I stay in a condo.

So, I had to park him outside.

Luckily, I got free stering lock.

It shaped awesomely cool.

Looked like a baseball bat, which suits Plu really well.

Anyway, I am happy that Plu has enter my life.

And would like to thank my father for buying me this car.

Welcome Plu~

Here's a picture of Plu and me.

Since I still have not buy new phone, I can't take pics of us together.

So, I had to draw us using Paint. ^_^

In practice of Law of Attraction #1

2009-08-26T19:57:00.007+08:00

I am aiming for what I am going to achieve and experience over my university life during year 2. So, here’s a practice for me to attract all the followings in life.

Since I have found a wonderful place in tts4wifi-precinct, may my room-mate (who I don’t know at the moment) is a wonderful person. May we be able to communicate with each other well. We’ll be able to get along very well along our uni life until graduate. If possible, we’ll attain great friendship and be able to live a happy and balanced uni life.

Since I have gotten a car (I am going to name him Plu), May I always be safe and alert on the road. May this car help me repay those that had helped me so much during my year 1. May Plu and me are able to communicate well. May I be discipline and treat Plu well.

Since I am entering year 2, the pressures on studies will increase than last year. May I be able to cope well under pressure. May I be surrounded with supportive friends. And I am thankful that I am able to find quite a number of relax, easy-going, and supportive friends during year 1. May they go through a wonderful uni life as well. May I find more wonderful friends and have a wonderful time together. Well, friends are very important part of my studies life as they are one of the important motivations that make my life more bearable. During my secondary school life and college life, am surrounded with wonderful friends. May I be able to maintain and find more wonderful friends during uni life as well. May those that are not studying the same place as me be able to enjoy a wonderful life and we still keep in touch.

Since our healths are in jeopardy of the H1N1 flu, may I stay healthy and strong. May I be able to take care of myself well. May I discipline myself to exercise and eat well. May all my friends stay healthy and be strong. My all of the uni-mates be healthy and strong. May everyone be healthy, happy, peaceful and well.

Since I will be away from my parents, may my mom and my father get along well. May they be healthy, strong, and live well. May my sis at New Zealand be healthy, strong and happy too. May my grandma, aunties, uncles and cousins have a great life too.

Since I have so many things in mind that I wish them to come true, may I be grateful for what I have at the moment. Gratitude-in-practice:-

I am grateful that I have this blog to help me practice the law of attraction.
I am grateful that I have a place to sleep.
I am grateful that I have a home to stay.
I am grateful that I have a family. (It may not be perfect, but I am grateful.)
I am grateful that I am surrounded by wonderful friends.
I am grateful that I’ve met wonderful soul-mates that came and went into my life. (My definition of soul-mate is not the married-couples type.)
I am grateful that I am able to find quite a number of precious friends.
I am grateful that these friends made a difference in my world.
I am grateful that I made a difference in this world.
I am grateful that I have a functional body to walk a normal daily life.
I am grateful that I have dreams and am pursuing them.
I am grateful that I am in practice of being happy.
I am grateful that I am single and on a journey to find who I really am.
I am grateful that I love myself.
I am grateful that I am on a journey to be a better person.
I am grateful that I am doing my best to be more loving and forgiving.
I am grateful that I am being loved by so many people.
I am grateful that I am spiritually strong and stable. (Though I am not strong in religion)
I am grateful that I am able to realise that I have so many good things in life.
I am grateful that I am able to achieve the dreams that I had achieved.
I am grateful that I have a simple, happy and peaceful life.
I am grateful that the dreams and goals that I am aiming for will be achieved someday.

I am grateful!

Thank you for loving me

2009-08-21T21:34:00.003+08:00

Today, I had to let go of the relationship between Sha Zhu and I.
Our relationship lasted for 2 years 1month 2weeks 4days.
However, we are still friends. I still consider him as my best friend.

I do not have the energy to explain again how and why did it became this way.
So, I am going to use the letter I sent to sha zhu to justify myself.
Sha zhu, hope that you don’t mind.

Dear Sha Zhu,
Before you start reading, please prepare your heart. This is not good news. Take a few deep breaths please before you continue. And please understand and be strong.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately as you had known. Really a lot. These past few days, I woke up many times in the middle of the night feeling lost. Even though when I am emotionally calmed, I realised most part of me cannot hold on to the relationship anymore. I am really sorry. The doubts between the relationship and myself had started since beginning of this year (about February, March or April). I was beginning to doubt myself and my purpose for holding on to the relationship. These feelings of lost had started so long ago, each day I’m feeling more broken for feeling this way.
I was feeling lost and broken between afraid of losing you, my treasured person, and following my heart at the same time. These past few days, I only realized what my heart really wants. My heart is telling me that it is time to let go. Otherwise, if we prolong this situation longer, this would turn bitter and sour and we could suffer more. You can think that I am selfish. Maybe I am selfish. I did say that I want to give another try until December, but I did not persevere until the end. I am really sorry. I realised that I cannot be in a commitment now (I have too many pressures and responsibilities that I cant handle being serious and committed now). And there are many other factors that resulted to how I am feeling now. These past few months, I also realised that my addiction for mangas and dramas are a kind of sickness. I was running away from the reality and from myself by submerging myself into all these addiction. I don’t want to lose myself anymore. Hence, it is time for me to wake up and take the courage and face myself. I am sorry that I let you be involved in my own mess as well.
You are a precious someone to me. I consider you as one of my most important person in life. What I went through with you during A-level and later on are all precious to me and changed me a lot. I can say, without your presence and supports, I would not be the present Woan Wei. I might be someone different. You taught me how to love myself. That’s one of the most important things I’ve learnt from you. Along my relationship with you, I’ve learnt many other great things as well. You have proved to me that our friendship survived no matter our relationship failed in the past. Hence, I would still want to remain with you as my best friend if it is still possible. As I told you before, I do still have feelings for you. However, again, my heart says it is time to let go and move on. And I need to be true to myself this time. I am really sorry that I cannot hold on with you in this relationship anymore. I understand and know that this will be hard on you and will hurt you, and it pains me as well to do so. I am really sorry.
We may still end up being together in future. However, we do not know how the future will be. This time, please do no wait for me. I wish that you could go further in life without a burden of waiting-for-me with you. I will do the same as well.
Is it possible that we remain as best friend? I would not want to lose you too. But if you don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable with it, I will understand.
Please forgive me. And if you ever feel that you have lost me. Please don’t feel this way. You will never lose me. Let the memories of our past be of something to cherish. And lets face forward and strive for our goals and dreams in life individually. Please be strong for yourself, I will be strong for myself too.
Thank you for loving me all this time. You have touched my heart for your efforts and honesty and sincerity. I belief that you have no more regrets like last time coz’ this time you really did your best. I truly cherish and admire you. A person like you is hard to find. Please treat yourself well. Please continue to love yourself and bring yourself more happiness into your life. Everything happens for a reason.
If we are able to handle this face to face, I would want to give you many hugs for the last moments. I am sorry and thank you so much for everything. *hugs*
p.s. Later when you are back from your activities, if you need to chat with me, I’ll be there. Just drop me a msg. If possible, I would like to know how you think and feel as well.
With love,
oneway,
Woan Wei.

So, it is time to let go.
I am now on another level of life. This is a new start of another chapter in life.
I am taking a step to unknown places. Hoping to find more happiness, be more true to myself and achieve my every dream and goal in life.

On the other hand, he seems strong with it. I am glad that he’s able to handle this positively. He’s truly a remarkable person.

Thank you for loving me. I hope and pray that you may be happy and have a greater life. May you continue to strive for your goals and dreams, and achieve all of them.

Here’s a song for you…
Thank you for loving me by BonJovi.

thank you for loving me songs
free Music downloads | Free Mp3 downloads!

Life for Rent

2009-08-19T20:40:00.001+08:00

dido - life for rent songs
Free mp3 download | free music download

~click play on the above to enjoy the song.

Hunter

2009-08-19T20:08:00.002+08:00

Currently, that's how I feel.

Enjoy~

Quest:-

2009-08-14T22:18:00.005+08:00

Why am I feeling this way?

Is it that the string is getting longer? Where each ends are getting further apart?

There are so many doubts.

I truly want to hold on as much as I could.

The longer I hold on to, the more I lost the sense of purpose.

Wondering, whether we are still interweaving on each other's path.

Thinking back, the precious moments of the past.

However, past and present and future seemed like the sand and the sea water.

The sand and water are apart of the sea.

When they are mixed and shaked up, a beautiful complex pattern will be formed.

And the dispositions of the sand and water will always be different than before.

However, when things calmed, they both will be back in their own state.

The sand will be resting on the seabed, while the water is still flowing and moving forward.

There's a treshold between the solid and the liquid; or higher and lower density form.

Although the time lines are like heaven and earth, it is up to us to how we handle the flow of the present.

Here, I am questioning myself and my present feelings.

What are these waves of feelings?

So seasonal.

Sometimes bright warm and welcoming, sometimes dark cold and terrifying.

Truly, what am I to do with these? I do not know.

I believe that I do not belong to myself, so my feelings do not belong to me either.

I will just let it be.

No matter how hostile these feelings are, I will just let it be.

Always look on the bright side, the beauties of these wonders are brilliant.

Without the bad ones, we can't appreciate the good ones.

--Bad and good are just labels. In truth, their difference are whether they are favourable in our own point of view.--

Anyway, I am giving myself a few months time to truly unveil how I feel and what do I really want.

Same goes for the other side as well.

Hope that the other side will take the opportunity understand his desires and dreams too.

Hope that everything will turn out for the best.

And may each end's future will have happiness, peace and freedom whether it is still woven together or not.

We are on a quest of our own.

May this quest helps us find the key to our truest self.

Twain

2009-07-31T13:36:00.006+08:00

This post was supposed to be posted earlier. However, I had to wait for sha zhu to upload the pictures and send them to me. So, it ended up 3 weeks later. (This post is to be dated on 9th of July 2008)

So far, I’ve not mentioned when sha zhu and I started back together. It was during last year around mid July that we decided to wait for each other, but we weren’t official for being together again. It was about the beginning of December 2008, when he came and visited me at my uni that it can be counted official, I supposed.

Anyway, on 9th July, we were on a date and it was our 1st couple-wear day. We went out to sing karaoke together. Then went to Hor’s place, play some sports and dinner with sha zhu and Hor’s family.

Here is a picture of my watch taken with sha zhu’s phone during the karaoke session.

The below are a few pictures of us wearing our couple shirts on that day. The shirts were bought during my trip in Melaka with my uni friends. In addition, I have to give credit to Hor for helping us taking these pictures.

Cherishing every moment together~~

Rest In Peace Grandpa

2009-07-21T13:13:00.004+08:00

Wednesday 15th July,
When I was in the middle of work in my mom’s office, I’ve got news from my mom that my grandpa was in a critical condition. So, we rushed back home. My mom thought of going back to taiping alone with my auntie. However, news came that he left 1 day life. The doctor said that something had caused his blood contaminated and weakened/damaged his main organs in the body. So, the whole family went to taiping. Except for my grandma, she’s physically weak to handle the shock. We reached there about 7 or 8 evening. We were allowed to enter and visit him in the ICU one person at a time. When it was my turn, as I was standing by his bed side, I have no idea why, tears began to well up my eyes. He was already in coma. As if he was in a deep sleep.

Thursday 16th July,
After our breakfast, we went and visited him. I held his hand. I felt his hand’s muscle reacted, as if he was holding mine. His closed eyes moved a little at the same time. Somewhat, I felt that he knew my presence.
At noon, the doctor asked whether to take the risk for surgery or wait for his death. So, the elders in my family decided to take on the risk eventhough it just less than 10% chance.
The surgery was successful. The cause of the problem has been removed. He was saved but there’s still need to wait to overcome the critical time.
Everyone was happy and glad. However, this temporary relief had lead to further disappointment.

Friday 17th July,
After breakfast, we’ve received call from the hospital that the whole family needs to be there. The doctor said that his heart was getting weaker and anytime(less than 1 day) he can pass on. About 1.25pm he passed. My aunties told us that before he passed, they told him that he can peacefully move on and they will take care of my grandmother well. That’s when around that time he had passed.
Some were left behind to take care of hospital business and some went off to prepare for funeral procedures and ceremonies, newspaper publishes, tomb, etc.
I was one of those that stayed behind. We followed my deceased grandpa to the mortuary and then to my uncle’s home for funeral.
About evening, my grandma arrived. Initially, she looked calm. But as she was asked to see the deceased, she broke down to tears. It was a heart aching sight. All her children including my mother were crying and embracing her. Step by step she moved towards to coffin. At one point, before she reached the coffin, she was so scared that she dared not move towards it. Eventually, she came face to face with the deceased. Everyone was in tears. Truly a grieving scene.
Later on, everyone calmed down and continue the funeral ceremonies. The ceremony will be held for 3days 2nights.

Saturday 18th July,
The ceremony continues. Many people were lack of sleep and looked tired.

Sunday 19th July,
The day of entombment.
Everyone went and sent him off, except for grandma; she’s too weak to go.
The deceased will be having fire burial.
Most of us went back (KL) on the same day, including me. But I had to stay at grandma’s house for the night due to transportation convenience.
My mom and uncle stayed back to collect the deceased’s ash and handled a few minor funeral procedures the next day.

Monday 20th July,
My mom came and picked me up from grandma’s place, then sent my uncle back to Singapore.
Reached home about 9.30pm.

I’ve learnt a lot from this experience. Everything has a purpose in this life. I’ve gained many respects for the elders through this experience; I’ve learnt about funeral ceremonies; Learnt about letting go; Learnt about being true to one-self; Learnt about strength to move on; Learnt about religion and spiritual strength; and many more.

May my grandfather rest in peace.

My New Watch!

2009-07-07T15:49:00.003+08:00

My New Watch!

This is my second branded watch.

My first branded watch was BUM sports(don't know what model), got it when I was Secondary3(about 6/7years ago) with my own money.

This new one, I just got it today.

Let me show the specifications first before I present the model.

•. Shock resistant. •. LED light. Afterglow. •. World time. 29 time zones (48 cities), city code display, daylight saving on / off. •. 1/100-second stopwatch. Measuring capacity: 59'59 .99''. Measuring modes: Elapsed time, split time, 1st-2nd place times. •. Countdown timer. Measuring unit: 1 second. Input range: 1 minute to 24 hours (1-minute increments and 1-hour increments). Other: Auto-repeat. •. Daily alarms. 5 independent daily alarms. •. Hourly time signal. •. Edit: Button operation tone on / off, alarm beeper pattern (3 patterns), 12/24-hour format, 00-second animation on / off. •. Full auto-calendar (to year 2099). •. Regular timekeeping. Analog: 2 hands (hour, minute (hand moves every 20 seconds)). Digital: Hour, minute, second, pm, month, date, day. •. Accuracy: ± 30 seconds per month. •. Approx. battery life: 2 years on SR726W X 2. •. Size of case / total weight. 44.9 X 39.5 X 13.5 mm / 35 g.

Nice?

I think it is awesome. ^_^

How does it look like?

*My phone spoiled - cannot take the picture of my watch with me, plus lazy to search for camera to take and load into the pc. So, I'm taking the google's model pics for display.*

The model that I got is BG-92L-7BDR, while the displayed pic above is BG-92L-7B.

Anyway, the retail price is about RM399.00.

(But the online price I saw was way more expensive)

My mom used her coupons for eCosway to redeem.

So, I got this for free! ^o^

Awesome!

It looks great!

Awesomely light(as in weight)!

Cool features!

Small enough to fit my wrist!

Suitable for sports!

Envious ler~~

Happy 2nd Anniversary J-kun!

2009-07-04T23:31:00.002+08:00

Despite my solemn post below,
I would like to have a toast to our 2nd year of anniversary.
May we be well, happy and peaceful.
Love you with my heart.

Moments of reflection

2009-07-04T21:51:00.007+08:00

Recently, I've been feeling low self-esteem. In reflection of my past mistakes, these made me feel helpless, ashamed, low-confident, misunderstood, lost and lowly.
The usual me, of looking highly upon myself, is non-existence at the moment. Why do I suddenly feel this way?

There are many things that I can blame and justify on. However, I must face the fact that there are many things that I've done wrong. Events like hurting others, embarrassing moments, and shameful behaviors of the past are haunting me bit by bit as I am less occupy in my life. Those acts that I had unintentionally put upon others and myself made me feel regretful. I admit that my character is dominated by my emotions. After what has already done, I only realised what I should have not.

Honestly, I totally hated being judge and compare that it has resulted me to react unfavourably, which lead to my past mistakes. I thought that if I build up the wall from wanting people's acceptance and be colder that I would be free from being hurt. That’s why I am always being called the loner. But now, looking at myself, I've hurt others at the same time I've hurt myself even more. If I were to break this cold wall, it will be too overwhelming. Will I be able to handle it?

In perspective, I always behave differently in front of my mom, my family and friends. Whenever I am around my lover and friends, I am being someone that I like - I am not saying that those are not who I am, just that that environment helped me to behave favourably. On the other hand, my family, I always felt like I am being judged and compared. That frustrated me a lot. How do I show who I really am? How do I be my natural self? I was not happy in this environment. It made me felt like I am not part of the family, eventhough it is called family by blood-relation. In fact, I would feel more like a family with my friends. They just accept who and what I really am. I felt the unconditional love and acceptance from my close friends instead the blood-related ones, except for my mom only. Is it wrong for wanting to be accepted?

But in truth, I know that those perspectives are bias. I am also at fault. Why am I so sensitive? Why am I so desperate for acceptance? Why can't I be more open minded? Why can't I react in a more favourable way when things aren't in my way? I thought that I was optimistic enough, but this part of me was not. I thought I was open minded enough, but this part of me was not. This side of me has not met up to my own expectations. In the past, I've always look up to people's expectations and I was always their favaourite. I came to realise how unhappy I was. Instead, I've built up my own expectations to fulfill. I want to satisfy myself instead of satisfying others. Unbelievably, I am happier when I am chasing after my own odds than others. What should I do now to be considered as doing the right things? The answer is to be unveiled by myself along the journey of my life, and not by others for me to know.

In resolute to all my past mistakes, I truly would like to change myself, learn from my mistakes and be a better person. I've been trying to be a better person and learn from my mistakes since I was about 13 years old. However, now, I've realised I have not been doing my best. I thought that I am honest enough, but I was not honest to myself. I have been in self-denial and was not able to see myself in full perspective. I was not what I thought I was. It hurts me so much at how the family members view me as. The personalities and characteristics that I am not and wish not to show are right in front of their eyes. What more can I do? For things to change, first I must change.

So, now, I would like to humbly place myself anew. I would like to change into a better person. Hope that I have the patience and the endurance to go through this metamorphosis and come out as a better and more beautiful person in the heart. I am ready to face this challenge. 'Am going to break the cold wall in my heart and be warm to my family again when the time is ripe. What are my plans for achieving this desire?

My first step, I am learning to forgive my father. Second, learn to respect my elders more. Third, have better control over my emotions. Learn to be a better listener. Be less offensive and defensive. Smile more to them. Think before act. Etc.

I am going to devote myself to this and will do my best. I will learn to love myself and others more.

21st Birthday~

2009-06-23T18:46:00.003+08:00

My birthday on Sunday turn out to be quite good.

I've received many greetings through sms and facebook. Really happy that there are many caring and supportive friends out there. Really appreciate them.

Let me just describe how I celebrated that day..

Woke up, bathed, etc. It was quiet irksome for me to choose my outfit that day. I had to wear a hat to over some bruised features on my face. So, it took me quite long to match and choose the right outfit. Overall, a hat, a blue shirt, a knee lenght pants and boots. Everyone said I looked like some artist. LOL.

The whole day events consisted of just my mom, my sis and me.

First we headed to my grandma's place to fetch my little cousin back.

Then we went to Sunway Piramid to shop. My mom got me a 2-in-1 Romp jacket which looks awesomely cool. My sis got me a white belt. Other than that, the whole day for me was just window shop. Staring at my mom and sis shopping. If you know me well, I'm not girly enough - don't know how to shop. My sis is totally feminine type. Every single cosmetic shop we passed by, she would enter and have a look. =o="

We went to watch movies after our dinner. My mom and sis went to watch Night in the Museum 2 and me went solo for Angels and Demons. My sis happened to watch it at NZ already. So they are watching different movie than mine.

After the movies, they did a few more shopping and we headed back home.

That's how we spent the day.

Anyway, I did enjoy myself the whole day. While I was in public, there were quite a number of people stare at me. Maybe stare at my bruised face or at my nice outfit. =P

Hahaha....

That's all. ^_^

fatherless

2009-06-20T18:07:00.006+08:00

Regarding the title above. Do not misunderstand that I do not have a father. My biological father is still here. This is about my heart. Not having a true father in my heart.

Just a warning to those out there who have a complete family or those that might disagree with me, you might not be able to understand my situation. So, hopefully that you can less judgemental on me and my point of view if you really want to continue and read. Otherwise, just don't emerge yourself into my negativity. Anyway, this is a ranting post. You are warned.

Actually, the argument started over petty things. Well, here goes the story..

This morning, I heard my sister gossiping to that old man about one of my cousin. I was so disgusted at how they speak about my cousin. So, I told them off - not to gossip. Maybe the way I expressed myself was very not well-mannered. So, I end up getting scolded by that old man. I also got heated myself. So Iretreat to my room to cool off my head. However, that old man wanted to talk to me. I told him that I don't want, I want to cool myself down. He still insisted. Fine. I let him in and let him talk while I continued to mind my own business.

You might think that I'm finding my own fault here, but try and imagine if you are at an emotional state, can anything that is against your idea enter your head? For me, none at all. Obviously, he got angry. I also began to fight back his words. I was at an emotional state - can't remember what I had said. He began to slap me. My spectacle flew off far away - luckily I manage to repair my spectacle by myself. He still continue to slap me. At one point, his and was holding my neck as if wanted to strangle me. Fortunately, he did not. From that point, I have already resolved that I no longer have a father.

Since young, my mom was the one that had to struggle and raise me and my sis. That old man's role was so insignificant compared to my mother's. She's like having the role of a mother and a father at the same time at her shoulder.

Other than that, when I was young, I have been emotionally abused by that old man many times. He did hit me. However, this time was the worst.

Physically: My face has swollen, lips with internal bleeding(1part of it is blood-red), gum-aching, jaw-bone and neck muscle pain.

Emotionally: Disappointment, resentment, anger, sadness, etc. It's very hard to describe how I feel.

Ironically, tomorrow's is a Father's Day. Fatherless aye~

Comically, I told myself that I would not be a pretty birthday girl tomorrow. I am turning 21 on the 21st of June. Sigh.. I was really looking forward to my birthday. I have imagined being my good-self with positive image and go out to enjoy myself. I wonder whether it is still possible.

I think that's all for my rantings. Thanks for listening and having a non-judgemental attitude over this matter.

No worries. I will survive through. I know that I am tougher than I look.

ps. pardon my grammer. I'm not in the mood to check them.

Bored & Random

2009-06-19T18:47:00.005+08:00

Currently bored.....

So, I decided to kill some time through blogging.

Oh yeah!

Currently, I'm aiming for this phone, Nokia 5800.

Hope that I can get it before the summer ends. *pray hard* >u<

So here are some random stuf that I've found on the internet(pics) and made up.

Enjoy~~~

When you got pwned/owned.. this is how you might look like:=-

Hmmm...

It's holiday...

However, we should always try to revise what we've learnt over the last semester and enjoy the holiday at the same time.

If you ask me what kind of super power I would wish for..

The power to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!

How should this power work?

For example..

One of my favourite past time is to look at the mirror.

I just can't stop enjoy looking myself at the mirror.

Why??

I'm too awesome!!

What are you laughing at??

Narcisism is not a crime kay!

I know.. I know..

I still look cute even when I'm angry. xD

Yesh.. as cute as this!

I'm cute and awesome!!

@o@

Okay..

Fine......

No more joke.

I know my jokes are too cold.

Sorry..

T_T

That's all for now.

Happy summer!!

My Summer Plan Review

2009-06-01T19:09:00.001+08:00

The below is my checklist for the summer.

However, it seemed that my scanner was malfunctioning.

So I ended up using my mom's phone to take this picture. (my phone spoiled)

On the other hand, the blur image may be a good thing. To protect my privacy. ^_^

Anyway, hope that by end of this summer, I'll be able to complete most of what I have intended to do.

All the best to me~

Enjoy your summer!

@_@ & @u@

2009-05-31T21:28:00.004+08:00

By the street..

Princess: Aww.. look at this little piglet.

So cute. @u@

*pinch pinch*

Little piglet: Argh.. what are you doing!?!?

Stop pinching me. Eww..ewwww. @o@"

Princess: Hey, where are you going?

Wait for me.. >_<

*run - chase*

Little piglet: Stop following me..

I don't even know you. Leave me alone. @_@

Princess: I just need someone to accompany me.

I've got nothing to do. ^^"

Little piglet: ~@_@~

erm.. ok. Owh.. look! A kookooo bird!

*pokes & runs off*

Princess: Kia!~~ *surprised* o.o"

TnT" I'm alone again.

That Night..

Little piglet: *dreaming*

dreams--> He met the princess again. Somehow, he kissed her in his dream. @o@"

*wakes up.. puffing* O_O

What a nightmare~ =o="

The Next Day..

Princess: *wandering in her garden*

Little piglet: *saw princess*

Uhh uhhh...

*blushes*

Princess: Ohh..Morning. ^_^

Why are you doing here?

Little piglet: I'm on an errand assigned by the King.

Princess: O.O" You are a knight?

Little piglet: Yeah~ ^^"

King: Well, well.. So you both have known each other.

There is no need for me to introduce then.

My dear daughter, meet your future husband.

Hohohohoho.. ^o^

Little piglet: Huh?? @_@"

Princess: *blushes* ~@u@~

~The End~

Some random stuff.. in the end.. I don't know how to end it. sweat.. ^^"

Year 1 just flew off...

2009-05-29T21:10:00.008+08:00

In a blink of an eye, time just flew by, Year1 has gone.

Summer has arrived.

It still feels like yesterday on the first day of uni.

I have learnt tons of things. Those are such as knowledge of course, skills, critical thinking, dota, and most importantly friendship.

I have manage to find myself quite a number of people that I can consider them as friends. Fortunately to say, the numbers are more than a handfull.

So, here, let me list those that I've manage to come to trust and be comfortable with as friends.

Wen Shan - the friend I trust most in uni.

Lian Hing - another trusted friend.

Ko Wei - my pet brother

Jon Ngau - my another pet brother

Benjamin - funny fellow =P

Sarah

WenShin

hmm...many more. =D

I am really glad that my circle of friendsip has grown bigger over the years. Apart from these uni friends, I am really thankful for the supports from my Assunta friends, A-level friends, Sha Zhu and parents.

I pray that everyone is blessed with happiness, peacefulness and wholesomeness(if there is such word).

Next update will be revealling my plan for the summer. Stay tune~

Deng deng deng..

2009-04-25T22:03:00.002+08:00

7th April I suspected that I got dengue... that night was still enjoying the Talent Quest Event. My whole body was covered with many red dots(like rashes). I tried calling my mom..she didnt pick up. Most probably she's sleeping. Didnt dare to bother sha zhu coz he got exam.

8th April.. right after progress test(didnt do well).. my friend(Ben) bring me to the town to see doc. Took some blood samples and got some med. Total: RM85. T.T" Need to borrow money from fren(Rick) coz pook-kai edi. While waiting for my blood test results.. I followed all the dota-kakis go cc play. Got pawned like no problem. Then when got my blood test result..platlet count drop like no problem also. Doctor said I need to do dripping at the clinic for a few hours or admit to hospital. So in the end, decided to admit into hospital. Initially was very exicited to enter hospital. My 1st time gona stay at hospital mah. =P Went SunwayHospital..room all full, called SJMC also full, Assunta also full, in the end, end up at Bangsar Pantai Hospital. So, that night stay at hospital. Water drip..not nice.. T_T Other than that, the service was alright. I was like a queen. Being fed and sleep and watch TV all on the bed. LOL. ^o^ 11th morning, my platlet count finally increase abit. So doc decided to let me go. But actually the platlet count was still quite low(lower than nomal ppl). Well, I was still dengue negative and still cannot find out the cause of the sickness. Anyway, I got sick of the hospital. Kept getting needles poking me everyday. Need to draw blood sample twice a day. Plus.. my veins were swollen and had to change different positions for dripping(3times!). Imagine that a needle about 5cm long enters your skin and lay parallel to your bone for a few days! And everytime you go toilet or move your hand too much... blood will be coming out instead(as in enters the water drip pipe instead of the water enters my vein). @o@" When I finally got out from the hospital, I was so glad. T_T"

However, I still had many pressure. Need to study, lab reports, mini projects, etc. In addiditon to that, I was supposed to be mc for that week. But i just cant spare away my time. too many things need to be done. Then, got 1 time, suddenly was so low-blood pressure to the point that I cant even walk. Moreover, I was still at uni that time. I tried contacting alot of people. Finally someone(Lian Hing) replied..I was so glad that i was in the verge of tears. Then, Wenshan came to fetch me to dinner and back home. Haiz..this shows how fragile I was. Anyway, after many suffering and resting, I am now back to normal. But still need to look after my health. My mommy has been stuffing me with lotza good food and pills. Haha.. =P

Anyway, I would like to thanks those that had supported me mentally and physically during this hard time. Thank you mommy, papa, sha zhu, wenshan, lian hing, benjamin, jon, rick, marcus chee, feichai(liau) and the dota kakis(kowei, ahchan, shim, kok boon, sisiang & andrew). Thanks a million! ^_^

p.s. Please ignore my broken english. Lazy to think.. coz need to think too much for the coming exam edi. ^^"

Beauty..

2009-04-05T13:34:00.003+08:00

Adapted from http://www.ikedaquotes.org/beauty.html

ON WOMEN'S BEAUTY..

I find a woman's face weathered from numerous storms in life to be beautiful. No matter what her age, just like the beauty of grains on wood that deepens with passage of time, beauty that has endured hardships shines with a distinctive splendor.

When one sees a woman for what she really is, free of decoration or cosmetics, I believe her life in all its naturalness, and her true, indestructible beauty emerges. But what is this elusive quality called beauty?

In ancient Chinese literature the so-called beautiful woman looks thin and fragile. Her feet are tiny, because they have been bound, and she looks frail, almost sickly. That seems to have been the preference at a certain time. But later, in the T'ang dynasty, an ideal woman was someone voluptuous and healthy-looking. Even today, many cultures consider plump women to be beautiful and young women are strongly encouraged to eat well. This may sound incredible to women who live in societies where tall and thin models set the trend for what is considered beautiful.

In my country, Japan, too, the definition of beauty seems to vary according to the times. Beautiful women who were portrayed in wood-block prints during the Edo period had long faces, thin eyes and large, protruding chins. But, after the Second World War, women who were quite buxom were suddenly considered attractive. This makes me question how there can be such different standards in society concerning women's beauty.

Women tend to find themselves caught in a trap that makes them eager to fit themselves in the mold of "the beautiful woman"ï¿½a standard set by the social trends of the time.

The purpose of this endless pursuit, and who it is for, are often forgotten. Perhaps, in the end, the pursuit of beauty is actually for yourself, so that you can feel good when you look at yourself in the mirror. If the purpose of beauty is to be attractive to others, then, I would honestly recommend that this time and energy be spent on polishing and cultivating your inner self; your character, as I think that would be much more effective in serving your purpose.

Whether it be your boyfriend, husband, or friends...why are they attracted to you? I am sure it's not only because of your looks but because of who you are, what they find in you, the beauty of your mind and your personality. No matter how pretty a woman is, if her attraction is only in her physical looks, I don't think the appeal will last, but rather fade away with time. True, lasting attraction to another human being comes from an inner beauty and confidence that shine from within.

I once heard a story from a woman who had gone to her twentieth high school reunion. She made an astonishing discovery. Most of the women who had been beauties in their youth looked rather dull, while many of those who had been plain now shone with an inner beauty. As she talked to these friends from many years back, she realized that some of those who had been beautiful had not had to make much effort to attract attention, and this rather self-satisfied attitude had stayed with them through the years, while the more plain-looking women had clearly been working to develop themselves and had become truly attractive as human beings.

For me a woman's true beauty lies not in her appearance, but deep within her heart. A woman who makes all-out efforts and who exerts herself wholeheartedly in her field is beautiful; she really shines. She looks sharp and focused and full of confidence. This kind of radiance will always outshine for me any external beauty related to what a woman is wearing. In fact those who are aware of their inner beauty don't need to seek borrowed beauty from outside. And, sadly, those who care only for their physical appearance are often spiritually impoverished and trying to conceal that lack with exterior trappings.

We all long for things of beauty-beauty of nature, of appearance, of life, a beautiful family and so on. But these cannot be gained if we are withdrawn and isolated, just looking at ourselves. We must create better relationships with other people and interact with our community and society with an open heart. We must be kind to nature. It is only through this process that we really grow and cultivate our own beauty.

A woman who can praise, appreciate and wholeheartedly respect those around her is more beautiful than another who is constantly criticizing others. In the same way, someone who can find joy and excitement of her own in her daily life, or even in nature and the changes of the seasons, has the warmth and brightness that can give a sense of peace and comfort to others. Being an expert in discovering beauty makes one beautiful.

The famous sculptor Rodin once said that beauty is not found in one woman but in every woman. And he identified the source that lights up this beauty as the "flame in one's inner life." The flame of a pure heart, the flame of compassion, the flame of hope, and the flame of courage. These flames are the source of light which enable women to shine with beauty.

It is said that "A woman's beauty shines with age." I find so much wisdom in these words. People normally connect beauty and youth, and cannot link the word "beautiful woman" with "older woman." A young woman in her teens is indeed beautiful, but there is a different kind of beauty that is found in women in their 30s, 50s, even 70s. When we seek beauty inside a person, we will realize that a truly beautiful woman is a person whose inner beauty continues to deepen and be cultivated with time.

Buddhism teaches that your physical appearance is a reflection of your inner self. Hence, a truly beautiful woman knows who she is and what her strengths are and is happy and confident to be true to herself.

Today we live in an age where commercialism determines what is "beautiful," but please remember that you cannot find true beauty in these fashionable trends. Beauty cannot be bought with money either. Many insecure young women tend to become confused by such messages sent out by the mass producers of today's society, but I feel that appreciating and realizing your own beauty means establishing a secure and robust inner self that will not be swayed by outer circumstances.

Every woman can be beautiful. It all begins by believing in your own beauty.

Aiya..

2009-04-05T13:27:00.003+08:00

Just dropping by to inform....

Din't managed to get through the semi-final for my uni's singing competition.
Got the news 5days ago. ^^"

For the past few days didn't have much inspiration to do anything.
Have been searching a way to boost my spirit.. wanted to go climb mountain, shout, scream, dance, sing..... anything that can pour out my negative thoughts out.

Today, my spirit seems to be rising bit by bit.
Yokata~

Peekaboo..

2009-03-25T17:58:00.006+08:00

I know.. i know..

I have not been updating for some time again. ^^"

I've been really busy and all. Actually, I'm quite busy now. Suppose to do lab report now. But things are just getting too stressful. So I decided to just drop in and express my thoughts.

There are too many things to tell in details.

In summary, about 2months ago my room got break-in. Then lotz of assignments and reports need to handle. Then need to build calculator(mini project. Yessh.. believe it or not.. cool ler? =D).

Other than that, I ended up joining talent quest in uni(something like american idol). Actually I wasn't planning to join. Somehow something is calling me to join. Most probably it is my little dream of becoming a superstar someday. =P I made it through the audition and got into semifinal. Now still waiting for the results whether I'm in for the final or not. ^^" All the best to me. Well, this is the best chance for me to test out my skill on how good am I. Maybe I have the potential to go into the entertainment industry. ^o^" (just kidding.. )

Anyway, just ignore my grammatical errors. I don't have the time to check and correct my english here and now.

hmmm... What more do I need to add...?

Oh ya...

I've managed to make more friends this semester too. =D Managed to find a few friends that I can trust as well. And I'm still looking forward to make more friends and good ones too.

Lastly, I miss my Assunta friends [esp. Yin Khuan, Zie Wei, Alin, June Lau(had to ad ur surname.. u know la.. i'm also June ma), Jessica, Sou Leng, ..], A-level friends [Sha zhu, hor-chan, CL, professor K.O, the Heng, ..] and my friends over here as well. And my Mom as well (love her).

Hehe.. this semester I can say that I feel quite alone. The reason is that I've decided to spend more time for studies. So there are many things I have to sacrifice. Well, I've set my mind to achieve my dreams. I will persevere through~

That's all readers.

All the best to me!

My New Year Resolution(2009)

2009-01-31T16:48:00.005+08:00

Finally an update!

here goes..

1. Be more hardworking in studies and housework

2. Be more active in sports

3. Better control over my emotions

4. Make more friends

5. Smile more

6. Read more books

7. Have a more peaceful mind

8. Appreciate more things

9. Be more loving

10. Go camping

All the best to me~

The beginning of Warcraft and DotA in my life...

2008-08-28T21:09:00.008+08:00

Eto..

A few days after my summer holidays were over,

the normal rotting days are back again.

Eversince I got back from Bahau trip, I've been wanting to play dota more(bad influence from evil ppl).

So, I decided to reformat my desktop to make it more efficient again.

After a few days of struggling with the computer(it was my first time reformatting a comp.), finally I get to start playing warcraft3!

As usual, for a noob, I don't know where to start, I straight away played the Frozen Throne. After a few guides from the dota-addict, ShaZhu, I finally know where to open the Reign of Chaos.

In the beginning, I have been playing warcraft with the guide of the walkthrough.

Then slowly, the game got tougher, I cheated a little(iseedeadpeople). Eventually, I kind of got tired of losing. So I decided to use more geng cheat (whosyourdaddy) from the end of the Undead Campaign onwards.

After finishing Reign of Chaos in a few days, move to Frozen Throne(cheated until the end). Finish everyting except Bonus campaign[Founding of the Durator]coz' I was kind of tired with campaign game. I can't wait to start training with different maps. I will finish off the bonus campaign in future.

Initially, I played 1v1 game with AI. But I always lose.

I'm still very noob. Somehow I got tired with 1v1 game, so I began playing dotA instead.

Last time, my friends recommended Sniper for me since Sniper is a noobish hero(they said, not me).

So, I started with Sniper.

At the beginning, I started with all easy allies and opponents. Bit by bit, I raised them until all my allies are normal and opponents' insane. I kept winning with Sniper.=D

Sniper

Since I coped quite well with Sniper, I decided to start with another hero.

I asked ShaZhu to recommend me another noobish hero.

Razor then.

Razor

As before, I slowly raise up until all my allies normal and opponents' insane. However, I wasn't as good as with Sniper. Still need to practice with Razor more.

I tried other heroes as well. Traxex and Akasha. But I'm too sucky with both of them.

So, at the moment, I will just focus on Razor and Sniper for practice until I can play online. Anyway, all along, I have been playing warcraft and dota with AI. So, it is nothing great about my skills. ^^"

Traxex

Akasha

Oh ya.. my desktop just died 4days ago. So, I havn't got the chance to practice at all. Moreover, my mom's old laptop, which is going to be mine soon, I still cant take over it yet. So I still can't play DotA online yet. ^^"

Anyway, sorry for not updating my blog for than a month. As you know, I had been busy with my gaming life. =D

Since my comp. died, I should have more time to update my blog more frequently. Stay tune then...

oh ya.. it's not like I havn't been exposed to DotA until recently. I was introduced to dotA last year Sept. But that time I din't have the right conditions to be heavily into it. Now, you can call me an addict!

I MISS DOTA! T_T

DOTA ROX!! ^o^

My Summer Holiday

2008-07-21T13:38:00.007+08:00

It has been a month since I have became 20 year old. When the Summer Solstice arrived, it was when my summer holiday began. Although I have been having holiday since December 2007 until now, this month is the most thrilling one, as in the most activities of all months.

There is no need for me to repeat again about how I celebrated my birthday on 21^st June (I’ve already posted it on my previous post). Let’s move on to elaborating other activities that I was involved during my summer…

On 23^rd June, 2 days after my birthday, went to Sunway to meet up with ShaZhu and Hor. I spent some time with ShaZhu, as I thought that might be my last time meeting him before he leaves for Singapore (which was not the last time yet). Went to Sunway Piramid, had lunch at Kim Gary. Then ShaZhu leaver. Hor and I went to cinema and watched Get Smart. Later, sent Hor back to IMU. I went back home…

On 25^th June, joined the A-level July2006 intake lunch gathering. I went to IMU to fetch Hor, CL, Suanne and err..I forgot who liow. Reached Mid Valley, went MPH waited for others, went to look at some toys, and headed for Nandos for lunch. Later everyone leaver, CL and I followed Hor go buy his watch-strap. Then CL leaver also. I followed and sent Hor back to Sunway coz’ I wanted to go Medan CC and play (long time dint play DotA edi). Heng came while we were having the last game. I had my dinner at Medan and went back home…

On 28^th and 29^th June, I had to attend some seminar which my mom was supposed to attend but she cannot make it coz’ she was sick. I have learnt many things over there. The seminar was conducted by the students of Bob Proctor. It helped me to learn more on how to apply the Law of Attraction in life.

On 2^nd July, Sunway Lagoon trip. YK fetched Gaya, me and then June to Sunway Lagoon to meet up with Zie, Lin, and Lat. We had lots of fun there. As far as I can remember, we first went to wet-park: the small beach, slides, magic carpet, and then big sandy beach. Later we headed for dry-park: I can’t remember much on which activities we went but very few only coz’ we were running out of time. Gaya had to run off earlier than us coz’ she had to send her boyfriend away to study abroad. We all bathed and headed for karaoke. The service in Redbox on that day was very poor. The waiters had been going in and out of our room for almost more than 10times due to service problems. What a disturbance. We weren’t able to enjoy the karaoke fully. Later, we all headed for Kenny Roger’s for dinner. We ate and chatted there quite long. Gaya’s parents were bugging her to go home, so we had to rush back. YK fetched June, me and then Gaya back. We had a fun day. Reached home…

On 4^th July, we celebrated Jess’s belated birthday (which was supposed to be on the 3^rd). YK fetched me, and then Zie. We went to June’s house to prepare and give Jess her surprise party. While waiting for Lin and Lat to reach June’s house, I played June’s FF12 ps2-game. When Lin and Lat arrived, everyone was having their last minute preparation before Jess reached. When Jess reached, we were all hiding in June’s study room(upstairs). June made Jess waited for 5mins in the house before the “attack”. In the end, Jess was only half-surprised. She kind of knew there would be a surprise. LOL. We had our spaghetti and salad lunch which was made by Lin and Lat. And we had lots and lots of food (can’t remember what edi). Then, we watched Alvin and the Chipmunks. Had pancakes made by June. We went jogging around the housing area. And came back for the cake, the birthday cake was made by YK, Lin, June and Lat (if I’m not mistaken). The food that I brought was taken home by everyone as our tummy were going to explode if add another bite. YK fetched me home. Reached home….

On the 4^th was also special for another reason. It was the anniversary of __________. =D Glad that he remembered and reminded me. ^_^

On 12^th July, my first Bon Odori festival. YK fetched me and then June at about 5sumting. We went to Zie’s house. My first time in Zie’s house, was planning to raide her house, but her mommy was at home. So my plan failed. Later we got into Zie’s mom’s car and she fetched us there. Lin, Lat & Lat’s bf was supposed to follow our car. But they got lost and miraculously reached that place by luck. LOL. The first thing we did over there was to buy food. I was very hungry! On the way, saw many Japanese families, Japanese-freaks, manga-freaks and weirdos. LOL. We had to miss our 1^st round of the cultural dance because we were busy buying and eating dinner. That place was packed like hell even though it was huge. We get to join the 2^nd round of the cultural dance. It was fun and confusing for me. It tooked me a long time to get a hang of the steps. After the dance, Lin, June, Lat & Lat’s bf had to go. We gave them hugs and then they left. We went back to the food place and lined up for the shaved-ice. It took us more than 30min to get it. The line was packed and people kept cutting lines. Haiz. But in the end, it was all worth it. The shaved-ice was delicious as it has all our sweat in it (not literarily). We missed our last cultural dance as we had sacrificed it for the shaved-ice. Later, we hang out around the stadium while waiting for Zie’s mom to fetch us. Reached Zie’s place, then YK fetched me back. On the way, YK told me that the Mummy movies always scares her. (sweat!) Reached home…

On 15^th– 17^th July, Bahau Vacation. First day, I had to wake up early to wash up and pack some left out stuff. About 8.30am look for taxi to fetch me. Reached Sunway College to get my A-Level official cert. Went to Hor’s house. Waited for them to get ready and for the taxi to arrive. About 9.30am taxi arrived. On the way, uncle taxi fetched Heng from Sunway Piramid to his Uni first. Then he only fetched us to Kelana Jaya LRT Station. Uncle taxi is so talkative, talked none stop until the end. ^^” We sat LRT to Pasar Seni. Reached there and look for bus to Seremban. Reached Seremban, we blur-blur took the bus that drives to Kuala Pilah and then only to Bahau. Made ShaZhu waited quite long. Reached Bahau, The further story, I think ShaZhu can explain better than me. Click here to read more. While they were all dotaing, I’ve learnt a lot when watching them play. I’ve understand a little bit more about DotA. I don’t feel that noob edi. [keke] I really had a wonderful time there. Enjoyed lots of wonderful food. If I stayed there longer, I would be fat! LOL. Overthere, I get to be with someone that I like (or love) and comfortable to be with, kind of felt a little bit “bahagia”. Last day, noon, we bid our farewell to ShaZhu and that would be the last time we see each other before he’s off to Singapore. On the way back, I have already started to miss that place. We reached back Pasar Seni and took bus back to Sunway. We had Kim Gary for lunch+dinner. Then went to Hor’s house to take my stuff. Waited and rest over there for awhile before I took taxi home at about 7pm…

That’s all. This is my summer adventure. ^_^

2008-06-22T18:36:00.020+08:00

Eto..

When the clock strikes 12md, 21^st June 2008 arrived.

A few minutes after the clock strikes, the first to wish me was Hor, then CL, and Justin.

Then, I continued reading my manga(Slam Dunk) until about 3am++ only went to bed.

Woke up at about 12noon.

Wash up.

Had my brunch and continued to read some manga.

OK.
Fun part is coming…

Wait for YK to fetch me.

About 2.30pm she picked me up to Sunway Pyramid.

On the way, we both talked nonsense and about universities stuff.

Reached Pyramid.

On the way to find Zie, saw Umair, Anas and Kak Maya.

Umair became a Japanese translator for the F1 event.

(I didn’t expect him to be there since I heard that he got an accident. If not, I will be having lunch with him.)

I took a few pictures with him and Anas.

The pictures are still with him.

Then saw a few cute Japanese girls.

Then, YK and me continued to search for Zie.

On the way up to the floor that Zie was at, we saw that she was day-dreaming.

Caught a picture of her.

Wondering what she is looking at.

Hohohoho…

[Zie-chan~]

[Zie & YK]

[Zie & me]

[YK & me]

After meeting up with Zie, we went back to the F1 event place.

Saw Umair doing translation for the Japanese girls(models).

Then, we went to MPH to read some book while waiting for others to come.

Jess, Lat, Alin, and June arrived.

Then, go to Jusco Food Court to get a better place to sit and chat(rot!).

After chat for a while, Lat’s bf came. I thought some Punjabi stranger came and wish me birthday. Later only found out that he was Lat’s bf. LOL.

Talked for a while more. Listening to June’s story about her medical interview stuff is so funny.

[At Food Court]

Later on, we all went to play archery.

While bargaining for the price and package for archery, Sou Leng(a.k.a. Sou) finally came. Kesian her; she need to take bus to come here. Haiz, Sou should had called YK earlier to fetch. Tsk tsk.

[getting some guides]

[whew~ i look like Legolas]

[my first bull-eye]

[Everyone playing exp. for Lat & Zie]

[Good shot.. all thanks to Zie the camera person]

(For more pictures, please check out my facebook photo album.
Sorry, too many pictures to load over here.)

Then we all head for arcade while Lat and her bf went "pak-tor".

On the way to the arcade, saw a half-naked man walking around.
At first, I was shocked and thought he was some crazy-man.
Later only realised what he was doing.
He has got some guts.

[I don't dare to go take pic with him, so I took the pic instead. Congratz!]

At arcade, I played “house of the dead” twice and car-racing once. Whew~

Then saw a geng guy dancing the dance-machine. So COOL!!

Sorry people, no picture of him. My camera almost memory-full.

[Me shooting zombies]

Everyone started to get hungry.

So we all headed to Sushi Zenmai.

Lat joined us back.

Ordered our food.

Wait, talked, ate…

Then suddenly.. Zie brought a cake.

I didn’t expect that.

Felt so touched.

My eyes were watery that time. LOL.

We all enjoyed and finished the yummy Tiramisu.

Then gave me presents. (will elaborate more with the pictures)

Thank you so much everyone.

Thank you so much for the presents and the dinner.

[Everyone waiting for food!]

[Arrived!]

[My Birthday Cake]

[The birthday girl]

This is so called “The Box of Five Senses”
Let me list out what’s inside…
(I only get to look at the content of the box closely at home.)
v Lots of beautiful white feathers
v FruitPlus grape candies
v Scented candle
v Necklace in a bottle
v Ferrero Rocher chocolate
v Frangrance sachet + refill
v Stress-ball ( a ball that you can squeeze & stretch when you are stress. LOL)
v Earrings from Vincci (smiley and note shapes)
v A set of 12 versatile sketching pencils (yeepee..i finally have my own pencil collection!)
v A burned CD (got 12 songs inside)
v Elephant key-chain
v Lots of pictures (many sceneries pics, 1 naruto pic, & 1 a pair of baby wolf)
v Lots of heart shape (cut by Alin)
v 7 little envelopes with little messages in it.
v Thumb prints from everyone on pieces of papers.
v Rolls of papers with quotes (some from random sources, mostly from manga and anime)

[Another gift from everyone: Bodyshop Shower Gel]

[Another gift: A book!]

Later on, we all head to McD coz’ some of us were craving for ice-cream.

Then, before we all head back home, took a group picture. (This time the picture is very blur coz’ camera memory full.)

[Group pic~]

Gave everyone hugs.

YK fetch me and Sou back home.

~OWARI~

May you find some comfort here

2008-06-20T23:43:00.006+08:00

Sorry for not updating my blog for almost 3 weeks.

Today I am really sad, I even thought of running away from home.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know where to go.
I felt so lost.
I kept asking myself, "where do i belong?"

Suddenly I thought of this song.
Listening to it really calms my heart.
I felt much stronger now.

I've found some comfort here..

My friend, thank you so much for your support.
Though little it may seem, it really lifts up my spirit and helped me not to feel alone.
This song is also a dedication to you.
Thank you.

Nottingham University

2008-06-01T15:27:00.002+08:00

Eto..

Just this Wednesday I had accepted and handed in the offer form to Nottingham University(Malaysia Campus).
That was awesome. Like a resort. Mountains, lakes and fresh air.
A great environment to study.
I think I've made the right decision.
So, currently, at the moment, I'll be doing lots of revision on my maths and physics before the term starts on September 2008.

My aim now is to do the best for my studies.
Hopefully, I will be able to do well throughout the whole 3/4years.
Also, hope that I'll be able to get scholarship to go UK to study for my 3rd year and above.

Wish me luck!

Gambatte!!!!!! ^o^

The Spirit Carries On

2008-05-24T16:31:00.002+08:00

Lost a lover, found a real good friend.

2008-05-19T23:27:00.009+08:00

Yesterday, 18^th May 2008 Sunday, I really enjoyed myself. It was actually the last day when J as my lover. It was when we had finally let go of each other during the end of the day.

Ever since we got back together as a lover at the end of last year until now, we had only made physical contact (as in meet up with each other) for less than a handful of times. During our long distance relationship, he came to KL for 4 times. Mostly the purpose that he came to KL is to do something else; I wasn’t his main purpose that he came.

I thought for a long time now, maybe the efforts that he put in for the relationship was too little compared to what I had done. Maybe in the relationship, when one had made too little efforts will result in loss of feelings. It will make that one wonder the purpose of being in the relationship anymore, which the force of pursuing in this relationship had long forgotten. Or maybe the other one(she) is so easily to be fulfilled that does not require much efforts and that one(he) ended up loss of feelings? Well, whatever it is, nothing is to be blamed. Falling in love does not require reasons, so why must falling out of love require one? Right?

However, a little may his efforts appeared to others(and sometimes myself as well), I think that he has given me more than enough already. Love cannot be measured. I am grateful that he had once given me his love, care, attention, and efforts.

During this almost 6 months time, I had gained, learnt, and enjoyed myself a lot from him. We struggled through quite a number of obstacles together for the relationship. When I was facing difficulties with my own self-security or confidence, he would patiently bare with me and listen to what I have to say. He would listen to my rants and complaints without any judgement. However, he is still a human; he may lose his patient and needed time out for himself. I was always glad that he was often willing to listen and I would be more than willing to let him have his own time alone when he needed it. His time alone would sometimes last for a few days without contacting me. Though I may missed him a lot and hoped that he would bounce back from his time-alone sooner to me, I would patiently wait for his return. Whenever he returns back to me warmly, everything will turn out fine to me again. The pain of missing him will fade, forgotten and forgiven.

The obstacles for long-distance is more tough than close-distance relationship may be true to a certain extent, but long distance was never a factor for me. There are still many things can be done. For instance, we had played games online. Although playing games cannot do any good to bring a relationship closer, it can help me to feel that he was giving me the attention and sense of participation in my life. It somewhat helped me to feel his presence that he was with me; letting me know that he was there for me. Sometimes, he would webcam and let me see him, which helped me to cure my sense of loneliness and let me participate on a little part of his life. Even though the webcam only last for a few hours, that had already satisfied for being allowed to share his time. Just a few months back where he made an online radio channel of his own, sometimes listening on what he plays on that channel helped me to know what he’s into at that moment. It makes my heart flow happily and felt his presence. Once in a while too, he would call me on the msn to let me hear him play his guitar. When I missed him too much and wanted to listen to his voice, he would call me once in a while to let me feel better. Maybe these efforts may seem nothing much to him and maybe don’t require much efforts, but to me, these little things that he had done for me had cheered me a lot. I truly cherished all the things he had done and given me until now. Many people knew his personalities that he would hardly give too much effort for others. Whenever he did more than he would usually do and I was the lucky one to receive those efforts, he had already assured me that I was in his heart.

When it comes to the time we meet up, he would hold my hands and let me felt protected by him. During last year’s Christmas, he gave me a pig-doll. It is a gift that I cherish most from him until now. I would hug it every night in my sleep. Even now we are no longer together, I would still hug it. It helped me think of those times when we are friends and he would be there for me during my hard times. Whenever he treated me coldly, I would think of our times as friends. It would help me forgive and forget all the bad treatments which I think that I did not deserved to be treated.

In general, when people got involved in relationships, expectations will naturally rise. I know that when we expect the people we love to behave and act in a certain way, we are already taking that person for granted. I do not want to take him for granted and I do not want him to take me for granted too. Taking each other for granted will only increase disappointments. So, whenever I was aware that I was taking him for granted, I would do my best to have no expectations. This had helped me to appreciate the small efforts that he had made for me rather than to expect some big things from him. Appreciating his efforts is one of the things that I can give in a long distance relationship.

As some of you might have read before my past post on my story with him (click here to review back), during my most down times, he was there for me. Thus, that had made him one of the most important people in my life. He is not just a lover; he is a very good friend. I would strongly hold on to this friendship.

However, as time past and we hardly meet, many feelings between us started to fade. He was into his own life and I would not want to bother him much. Then, my feelings of insecurity rise again. I told him how I felt, but he was not as accepting as before. Maybe that I had approached him at the wrong timing, or maybe he just got feed-up with my lack of self-assurance. He reacted to me harshly. I did not know what to do. All that I can do was to leave him alone and let him have his own time until he bounce back to me again. During those waiting periods, sometimes I would feel like giving up and sometimes I would just want to persevere through. Once I asked him “Is this the end?” That time he was in a bad mood still and did not answer me. After 1 week of ignoring me, he messaged me and apologised. He also replied my question: “sincerely no.” I was really glad that he still cared about this relationship. However, I wanted him to “pujuk” me more, and I ended up making him angry again. He ignored me for another week. When we are finally on talking terms, things seems to be colder. We had lesser things to talk. There was a barrier formed between us that kept us away from fully reaching out to each other. During those 2 weeks of cold-treatment, we both felt like we are living as a single again. That time, I really felt like we were totally out of each other’s life. After all this cold treatment period, I really did my best on trying to be warmer, but the barrier that I felt between us is so hard to break through. It was so hard to do it alone most of the time. I can sense that he was making the efforts, but it was not much and in vain. Everyday, I was hoping that cold-wall would melt away soon.

However, the coldness was still there after weeks. My instincts told me that he was almost out of love. On last Tuesday night, his reply was so cold that it hurts me a lot. I knew that that moment has no more turning back and his lost feelings can not be recovered anymore. After I offline, I called him on the phone to tell him how I felt. That time he was in no mood for chatting on the phone, so I did all the talking. In the end, I pointed out that he had fallen out of love. He agreed and admitted. I was glad that he was being honest to me. He was not able to tell me because he does not know how. I was glad that he still cares about how I felt and that stops him from saying harmful words to me. I was glad that I was the one that pointed out so that I will not be hurt by him. I was glad that I had seen this coming and prepared to face it. After I expressed out everything and said everything that I want to say at that time, things became warmer between us. At that moment, we had unofficially let go of each other. Although I lost a lover, I felt that I’ve gained a very good friend. It was so much easier and warmer to commute as friends. That night, it was probably the longest time that I can remember of us chatting on the phone. We chatted for almost 3 hours (approx 1-4a.m).

After we hung up on the phone, I was really very tired. However, there were so many things that kept on running in my head. I could not sleep. I was awake for almost 40 hours before my body finally gave in. During these few nights, I had not got enough sleep. I kept waking up from dreams, dreams about him. However, every time I thought of him, I would keep telling myself to stay strong and calm. And I felt that I did well on that. I also thought of happy moments of us which cheered me up.

On Thursday (15^th May), he was coming to KL to play with Hor and CL. I joined them on Saturday and Sunday.

On Saturday, we did not talk much with each others but I really enjoy myself a lot with the whole gang. We ate Manhattan, watched Narnia, looked at toys and walked back to Hor’s house from Pyramid. It was really fun. Although I felt a little sad that he was cold towards me almost the whole day, my heart was not as painful as last time from being like this anymore. Later, after we had dinner and before I headed back home, he was willing to accompany and chat with me for awhile. I was glad and thankful that we were able to talk. It felt so much warmer between us compared during day time. We both agreed to create one last happy memory as a lover or as friend before our official ending tomorrow. He gave me lots of hugs and I held his hands for awhile. I felt thankful for this because this night also became one of the happy memories of us to me.

On Sunday, that was yesterday, Hor, CL, J and I went to Sg. Wang. J and I were more warm to each other than yesterday. When we got down from the bus in KL Sentral, he let me held his hands and said to protect me for one last day. I was really glad and happy. When reached Imbi, he held out his hands to hold mine again. We all went to the guitar store for J-kun to buy his “ownage” picks and play and try guitar for free. Then, went to Pavillion to look at toys, Sg. Wang Plaza to look at mangas and toys, Low Yat Plaza for J to buy his external hard-disk, and Times Square to look at toys again. During those toys-sight-seeing times, I also kind of decided not to buy Lego. So, currently I do not know what to do with my wealth yet. (Haha ^_^) Anyway, after Times Square, we all headed back to Sunway. On the journey back, J was always by my side. When we all reached Pyramid, we all went to Kim Gary for dinner. (Nice food!) Later, while waiting for Hor to buy his lip-balm, we were waiting at one corner in the Pyramid. J and CL squatted down but I can not squat as I was wearing skirt. Then J took my hand and leaned while I was standing beside him. I was really glad and can sense that J still had feelings for me. When we were back to Hor’s house, we kind of spend the last few hours together. I gave him a last back-massage, he gave me hugs, and we just enjoyed our every last moment together. Although I was really happy and glad that we had such wonderful times together, my tears kept flowing down during the last moments. Lastly, one of the last messages we said before the time to let go, we wished each other’s future well.

All well, the ends well. This was the ending that I had hoped and achieved. I mean, not that I wanted us to end; I hoped for ever-lasting love, but since we were to end the relationship, I wanted us to be happy in the end. We started out face-to-face, we should end it face-to-face. We started out through mutual-agreement, we should end through mutual-agreement. Although we still have feelings for each other, we knew that it was time to let go. Like J said, "..let’s give each other more chances, we are still young…” I am glad that we break up face-to-face and through mutual agreement rather than one dumping another. I think this is truly a peaceful ending for this chapter of my life.

So, we are both on separate ways in our life now. However, he will always remain as a very good friend in my heart. He will still be one of the most important people in my life. I had no regrets for the entire things that I had done and went through with him. I have no regrets that he ever came into my life. I did all my best for him and the relationship. I am happy that when he had still loved me, he was sincere all the way. It was a genuine love.

Justin, for the last time, I want to tell you that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

From now on, I will focus on other things in my life and not think about this anymore. Thank you so much for your love, care, attention, emotional supports and efforts for me. I can never thank you enough for this.

And I know that you felt you have not done enough and you felt sorry. If you still do feel like this, here’s some message that I can say:-

Forgiveness

Nobody’s perfect, I forgive you for being imperfect. What you did was wrong. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you treated me. What you did was wrong and I forgive you. I forgive you for not being perfect. I forgive you for not giving me the respect that I deserve. I forgive you for not knowing better. I wish for you the decency and respect that every human being deserves. I forgive you for making a mistake.

(J, these have been the words that I had always told myself every time I felt hurt and wanted to let go of anger. And these had helped me persevered through this relationship until last night.)

Why do I take you as my very important and good friend?

When I was sad.....you dried my tears.
When I was scared.....you will comfort my fears.
When I was worried.....you will give me hope.
When I was confused.....you will help me cope.
And when I was lost....and can't see the light, you became my light...shining ever so bright.

All this happened when I was in college facing my hard times and you were there. I was always looking forward to meet you. That time I never thought we would ever get involve again, and I had only hoped for your company which brings many sense of comforts.

This is why I cherish you so much as a friend, my important friend.

Now, as a friend, as my very good friend, I will tell myself those words of forgiveness again if ever u wronged me. And to all my other friends out there too, I will do the same. Although sometimes it may be hard, at least I tried and will have no regrets. Let’s forgive each other’s mistakes and live a happier life. J, if ever I did anything that hurt you, please forgive me too.

Here is another link to one of my past posts. Pictures that I had dreamt of and drew out. May this someday became a reality as friends.

I wish you well.

So, now, people, what is love? I mean as in romance kind of love.

Love starts from friendships.

Love is forgiveness.

Love is accepting whatever good and bad things of that person.

Love is non-judgemental.

Love is patience.

Love is kind.

Love is not taking each other for granted.

Love is care.

Love is trust.

Love can be proved through efforts (no matter the size of the efforts).

Most importantly, love must be felt from the heart.

However, when we love, we will have fears sometimes. And fears are not love. It is a sense of insecurity. Such as jealousy, it is the fear of losing someone. It is the fear that we might not be enough for the person we love. If we are angry at someone, it is the fear that we might not get the respect and treatment that we deserve. And, if we are disappointed, it is the fear that we had expected too much and losing hope.

When there is presence of love, fears will fade. People will learn to forgive. People will learn to care more, expect less, and appreciate more. Etc etc…

There’s no ending to the meaning of love. So, my little brief definitions of love may be agreed and disagreed by different people. Feel free to drop your own thoughts on the matter of love in the comment(s) below.

I think that’s all that I can think of and type out at the moment.

Thank you for reading.

The next post, there might be about friends that I cherish in my life, since childhood until now. Stay tune~

Be prepared..

2008-05-14T22:54:00.004+08:00

Oops!
I haven't been that active in my blog for a long time.
I thought, since I'm the one that suggested J to post about "what is love", I should as well post about it too.
So, stay tune for the coming post on coming Monday.
There will also be about new chapters of my life.

Anyway, anyone can suggest any topics for me to post so that I can keep my blog more active.
Challenge me!

Back & Alive

2008-05-02T15:23:00.002+08:00

kia kia~
so long didn't post any post edi.
gomenne.. ^^"

hmm..
I've been sick for 1week now.
My fever just gone 1hour ago.
haiz... feeling so weak.
Need to start to build up my body and have a healthy life.

Anyway, 3days ago got news from NTU.
My application was not successful.
However, I will not give up.
I'm going to fight until the end.
Going to appeal until i get the uni that i aimed for.
Fightoo fight! Fight until the end!
I believe that i will get it.
Imagining that i'm there already.
\^o^/

Lastly,
This past few weeks i've been thinking how to spend my money.
I thought of want to give up getting my lego toy and pay for myself to go to outward bound camp in Lumut for 25days instead.
But i realised that i'm not physically fit enoughh to join.
If i join, i wouldn't be able to fully enjoy myself 'coz my own body will be an obstacle.
So, now i've decided back to get my lego toy.
Or maybe I might get something else that's better.
kekeke.. =D

Still.....
Fighting for my dream!!!!
Fight Fight Fight!
And i believe that i can win!
Believe in myself~

A wonderful breeze blowing on my skin~

2008-04-16T01:04:00.008+08:00

Eto..

Recently, there has been many emotional ups and downs.
(Mostly due to love-life)
There has been sleepless nights.
There also has been nights with dreams of sadness,
woke up and found myself in tears during sleeps.
[LOL..u can call it sleep-crying. ^^"]
Gradually, my feelings towards such things became numbed.
Numbing it was the only way to move on my life better.
However, numbness seems to have caused
me to feel more "lost" within myself.
This only seem to hurt myself even more.
Just this evening, when I was on my way back from work(KUMON),
I heard this song from the radio.
This song suddenly warmed my heart.
Instead of crying again, I felt a sense of relief.
Instead of feeling missing a certain person even more,
I felt that I can love myself even more.
By loving myself more,
only then my love can overflow
and reach out to others as well.
Instead of thinking about the past,
I felt that I was more submerged in the present.
What a pleasant feeling.

I present to you...

Lyrics:
What If

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

This song voiced out my heart well. *^_^*

This is also dedicated to my love ones and all my beloved friends.

Ups & Downs

2008-04-08T22:07:00.007+08:00

Eto..

Today, woke up and received a message from a stranger. It said that I need to get my salary from my boss by noon.

Then, I go wash up and had break fast. I saw J online. He message me and made me feel ssong. xD

About 11.45am i went to take my salary.

On the way, I fell down by the road side. *embrassed* =u="

Reached there, the boss just went off. What a coincidence that I just came and he just went off. T.T"
I fell down for nothing. Now, my knee is kind of swollen. This all caused by my clumsiness. *cursed* =o="
So, i chatted with my supervisor while I waited for my lunch(take-away).

After that, went to KUMON chinese.

Then, I came back home and wait for mom to fetch me to get my hair cut & treatment.

In the saloon, had hair wash, scalp-treatment, hair-treatment, and hair cut.
The hair-stylist is a very busy person. While cutting, talking to other people. Cut cut cut. My hair getting less and less.
When finished, i thought it look OK.
However, when I came back home and look at myself more closely. My hair looked so fluffy. So little hair.
Haiz. I cannot complain much.
After all, I got this package for free.
My mom got lucky draw from Digi and got this hair treatment package that is worthed RM200++. ^^"

[ok..juz ignore my pose. There..see? my hair is fluffy. ToT"]

Before reached home, my mom dropped me at the kopitiam to get my salary.
Luckily, boss was over there.
Yeepee.. RM902.20
After all my hard work, my MONEY is here. TuT"

[I had to use my phone to take this 'coz my scanner spoil edi.]

Then, I came home and mind my own business. xD

That's all folks!!!! =D

MONEY!

2008-04-07T13:28:00.002+08:00

EWW..

i JUST CAN'T WAIT UNTIL MY SALARY IS OUT. >O<

IF OUT BY TODAY, TOMORROW I CAN GO YAMCHA AND GET MY TOY EDI. ToT"

patience patience patience.................

Daisaku Ikeda

2008-04-01T21:56:00.002+08:00

What is Happiness?

What is the purpose of life? It is to become happy. Whatever country or society people live in, they all have the same deep desire: to become happy.

Yet, there are few ideals as difficult to grasp as that of happiness. In our daily life we constantly experience happiness and unhappiness, but we are still quite ignorant as to what happiness really is.

A young friend of mine once spent a long time trying to work out what happiness was, particularly happiness for women. When she first thought about happiness she saw it as a matter of becoming financially secure or getting married. (The view in Japanese society then was that happiness for a woman was only to be found in marriage.) But looking at friends who were married, she realized that marriage didn't necessarily guarantee happiness.

She saw couples who had been passionately in love suffering from discord soon after their wedding. She saw women who had married men with money or status but who fought constantly with their husbands.

Gradually, she realized that the secret of happiness lay in building a strong inner self that no trial or hardship could ruin. She saw that happiness for anyone — man or woman — does not come simply from having a formal education, from wealth or from marriage. It begins with having the strength to confront and conquer one's own weaknesses. Only then does it become possible to lead a truly happy life and enjoy a successful marriage.

She finally told me, "Now I can say with confidence that happiness doesn't exist in the past or in the future. It only exists within our state of life right now, here in the present, as we face the challenges of daily life."

I agree entirely. You yourself know best whether you are feeling joy or struggling with suffering. These things are not known to other people. Even a man who has great wealth, social recognition and many awards may still be shadowed by indescribable suffering deep in his heart. On the other hand, an elderly woman who is not fortunate financially, leading a simple life alone, may feel the sun of joy and happiness rising in her heart each day.

Happiness is not a life without problems, but rather the strength to overcome the problems that come our way. There is no such thing as a problem-free life; difficulties are unavoidable. But how we experience and react to our problems depends on us. Buddhism teaches that we are each responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness. Our vitality — the amount of energy or "life-force" we have — is in fact the single most important factor in determining whether or not we are happy.

True happiness is to be found within, in the state of our hearts. It does not exist on the far side of some distant mountains. It is within you, yourself. However much you try, you can never run away from yourself. And if you are weak, suffering will follow you wherever you go. You will never find happiness if you don't challenge your weaknesses and change yourself from within.

Happiness is to be found in the dynamism and energy of your own life as you struggle to overcome one obstacle after another. This is why I believe that a person who is active and free from fear is truly happy.

The challenges we face in life can be compared to a tall mountain, rising before a mountain climber. For someone who has not trained properly, whose muscles and reflexes are weak and slow, every inch of the climb will be filled with terror and pain. The exact same climb, however, will be a thrilling journey for someone who is prepared, whose legs and arms have been strengthened by constant training. With each step forward and up, beautiful new views will come into sight.

My teacher used to talk about two kinds of happiness — "relative" and "absolute" happiness. Relative happiness is happiness that depends on things outside ourselves: friends and family, surroundings, the size of our home or family income.

This is what we feel when a desire is fulfilled, or something we have longed for is obtained. While the happiness such things bring us is certainly real, the fact is that none of this lasts forever. Things change. People change. This kind of happiness shatters easily when external conditions alter.

Relative happiness is also based on comparison with others. We may feel this kind of happiness at having a newer or bigger home than the neighbors. But that feeling turns to misery the moment they start making new additions to theirs!

Absolute happiness, on the other hand, is something we must find within. It means establishing a state of life in which we are never defeated by trials and where just being alive is a source of great joy. This persists no matter what we might be lacking, or what might happen around us. A deep sense of joy is something which can only exist in the innermost reaches of our life, and which cannot be destroyed by any external forces. It is eternal and inexhaustible.

This kind of satisfaction is to be found in consistent and repeated effort, so that we can say, "Today, again, I did my very best. Today, again, I have no regrets. Today, again, I won." The accumulated result of such efforts is a life of great victory.

What we should compare is not ourselves against others. We should compare who we are today against who we were yesterday, who we are today against who we will be tomorrow. While this may seem simple and obvious, true happiness is found in a life of constant advancement. And the same worries that could have made us miserable can actually be a source of growth when we approach them with courage and wisdom.

One friend whose dramatic life proved this was Natalia Satz, who founded the first children's theater in Moscow. In the 1930s, she and her husband were marked by Soviet Union's secret police. Even though they were guilty of no crime, her husband was arrested and executed and she was sent to a prison camp in the frozen depths of Siberia.

After she recovered from the initial shock, she started looking at her situation, not with despair, but for opportunity. She realized that many of her fellow prisoners had special skills and talents. She began organizing a "university," encouraging the prisoners to share their knowledge. "You. You are a scientist. Teach us about science. You are an artist. Talk to us about art."

In this way, the boredom and terror of the prison camp were transformed into the joy of learning and teaching. Eventually, Mrs. Satz even made use of her own unique talents to organize a theater group. She survived the five-year prison sentence, and dedicated the rest of her long life to creating children's theater. When we met for the first time in Moscow in 1981, she was already in her 80s. She was as radiant and buoyant as a young girl. Her smile was the smile of someone who has triumphed over the hardships of life. Hers is the kind of spirit I had in mind when I wrote the following poem on "Happiness":

A person with a vast heart is happy.
Such a person lives each day with a broad and embracing spirit.
A person with a strong will is happy.
Such a person can confidently enjoy life, never defeated by suffering.
A person with a profound spirit is happy.
Such a person can savor life's depths
while creating meaning and value that will last for eternity.
A person with a pure mind is happy.
Such a person is always surrounded by refreshing breezes of joy.

This short essay is adapted from..
http://www.ikedaquotes.org/contents/short_essays/happiness.html

There's also another meaningful essay "on Women's Beauty" in the website.
Also, check out all those quotes.
Truly inspiring.

.:One step at a time:.

2008-04-01T17:33:00.005+08:00

Eto..

Finally I’ve stop working as a waitress.

Many things happen.

Many things I’ve learnt.

Many things brought me to self realisation.

Many things I’ve seen.

Although it seems like a month experience is very insignificant compared to the real world, I think that it has helped me understand the meaning of life a little better.

I’ve also came to understand human relation a little more.

I’ve learnt my own strenght and weakness a little more.

I’m still thriving to break away from my own shell to be a better person.

Along this one month, I may find that this job doesn’t suit me. It may be my first and last time working as a waitress. However, I still find it satisfying to be able to go through and experience something different from my own comfort zone.

Still learning…

Here are some pics:

[LOL.. me in my uniform..i look so noob. xD]
{i asked my morning shift supervisor to take photo for me. =P}

I always listen to this song during night shift work.
Inspiring and encouraging~

The gardener ruin the ecosystem!

2008-03-13T13:05:00.003+08:00

Instructions:
Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?
27

2. Have any regrets in your life? List a few of them if there's any.
Yes,
letting myself fall into depression during that time,
and,
saying wrong things at the wrong time.

3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Japan!

4. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
Have a happy and successful life.

5. Do you believe you can survive without money?
Yes, if I'm away from civilisation.

6. What are you afraid to lose the most?
Many things.
My mother, my love one, my friends, and myself.

7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
50% into investment and share market. (money makes money)
20% buy whatever I want to buy.
20% give to my parents.
10% for charity.

8. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
Nope, unless the person confess to me 1st.

9. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
Easy to talk to, hardworking, and caring.

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
Accept me for who i am, love me for who I am.
Also, honesty.

11. Which type of person do you hate the most?
Liars, hypocrites, irresponsible people, and people who gossips too much.

12. What is your ambition?
Be the richest person in the world!!! muahahah. ^o^
long-term career path: electronic engineer
part-time career: an investor, a share-broker, an artist, a singer, and a rich house-wife.

13. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
Being insensitive and didn't think of other's feelings before actions.

14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
My mother, my love one, my friends, and myself.
(same as question no. 6)

15. Are you a shopaholic or not?
Nope.

16. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
To gain more confidence in myself.

17. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
I am still discovering who I can share ALL my problems with.

18. What's your weakest point?
Low confident and easy emo.

19. What's the thing that you're most proud of?
Being able to learn from mistakes and strive to do better.
A talent: doing my best in everything I do.

20. Rainy day or sunny day?
Sunny day..can do many things.
Rainy day..plants get water for free.
i choose both.

I'm now going to tag.....
Nobody.
The cycle stop here.
Muahahaha.. ^o^

.:A Stepping Stone:.

2008-03-07T18:57:00.004+08:00

It took me quite some time to think of how to write this post. I’ve decided that I won’t really care about my grammar that much. Since this is my personal space, it is my way of expressing myself and everything else. If anyone out there that can’t tolerate bad grammar, you are warned. *ngek*

This post is going to be about my 1^st week at work (all night shifts).

1^st March 2008, Saturday

My manager straight away put me in cashier duty. When I started my job, he told me that cashier job is quite easy but warned me that if any money loss it will be under my responsibility. I got the message and did my duty the best I know how. Although I was quite nervous, I did my best to carefully count the money and change back to the customers. My supervisor guided me well most of the time. When it is about time to close to shop, I have to close the account. The account was short by RM50++. I was quite surprised. I don’t know where went wrong. My supervisor comforted me that it is alright. I finished my work at bout 2.30am

2nd March 2008, Sunday

The day was almost the same as the day before. When closed account, the money is short again by RM60++. Luckily, the next day, I found out that I counted that cash wrongly and it was actually over by RM1++. I finished my work that day on 1.30am.

3^rd March 2008, Monday

As usual, cashier duty; take money and change; fold tissues and order sheets; and when the shop going to close, I got to wipe the tables, chairs and sofas, and sweep the floor. Again, when I closed the account, the money is short by RM50++. I’m starting to have bad feelings about this.

4^th March 2008, Tuesday

Everything is as usual; I’m still learning and picking things up bit by bit in the cashier and service duty. And yet again, the money is short by RM50++ when I closed the account. This is really getting bad. @.@”

5^th March 2008, Wednesday

When I went to work, my manager scolded and lectured me about the short of money in the account for the past 3 days. I was sitting there quietly trying my best to keep my calm and think of something to reply him back while he was lecturing me. Unexpectedly, tears started to flow out from my eyes. I didn’t intend to cry. I blurted out to him that,”… if tonight there’s short of money again, I will quit and you can take up my allowance to compensate for the loss. The balance I will slowly pay up from my savings.” Then, he said that is a bad way of approaching the problem. He said that since he gave me that job, he trusted me to it. So, I continued my work. At the end of the day, when I closed up the account, gladly, the money is over by RM10++ instead.

Anyway, after got lectured, my manager suddenly asked me whether I am the youngest in the family. I answered,"yeah.' He said,” no wonder.” LOL.. I’m suspecting that this question have something to do with my crying. Later, even my supervisor teased me for crying. ToT”

6^th March 2008, Thursday

I didn’t do much of cashier and was put to handle service duty more because the numbers of customers were more than usual. So, there’s no need for me to handle the account. I felt less pressured, but more tired than usual. My legs were quite sore since I had to rush here and there more.

Today

It’s my off-day.

Hmm.. Well, all these problems in work, I will take it as challenges for me to grow stronger.

For the past 2years, I know that I’ve grown weaker in facing life. However, now, it is an opportunity to help me improve to be a better person.

In work, this is the opportunity to train up my emotional-intelligence, communication skills, time-management, patience, and perseverance. This is also a chance for me to build up the habit of looking things on the bright side again. Last time, after I fell into and overcame depression, negative thoughts seem to grow as a habit. I just can’t wait to change back my habit of looking things on the bright side again.

Along this week since the day I started my work, my parents and J-kun had been a great support to me. I’m really grateful. I will continue to do my best!

I’m ready to face more challenges ahead! \(^o^)/

Anyway, currently, I’ve found a motivation to work harder. Last week, I joined Justin, Ian and Wei Leong to Sunway Piramid. Then, I saw the electronic-lego-toy-tingie, which cost about RM400++, at Jusco. Well, that toy is going to be my goal for now. =D

p.s. I know my english grammar is *erhem*, but anyone can feel free to tell me which sentences or words are wrong and correct me. Thanks for helping me to improve. =3

Hibernating For A Few Days

2008-03-03T02:33:00.006+08:00

Eto..

I just started my job since Saturday(1st March). ^^"
So, for the time being I'm quite busy at being a "workoholic". =P
There's very little time to update my blog at this moment. T.T
Maybe, around this coming Friday, I'll only be able to make some updates. =D
Meanwhile, I'll hibernate this lil garden until the coming Friday. =3

Please feel free to fill in my cbox to live up my blog.
Buru Buru~

"To me, some songs are like clouds, some are like water."

2008-02-24T02:21:00.004+08:00

KITARO

Biography

Early life

Inspired by the R&B music of Otis Redding, Kitaro taught himself how to play guitar. He says of teaching himself, "I never had education in music, I just learned to trust my ears and my feelings." He gives credit for his creations to a power beyond himself. "This music is not from my mind," he said. "It is from heaven, going through my body and out my fingers through composing. Sometimes I wonder. I never practice. I don't read or write music, but my fingers move. I wonder, 'Whose song is this?' I write my songs, but they are not my songs."

While attending Toyohashi Commercial High School, he organized the "Albatross" band with his friends. At that time, they performed in parties and clubs. "In high school, I was in an amateur band. I started out playing the guitar but then changed to the keyboards. Before one of our gigs, the drummer was injured. I had no experience at all on the drums, but I had to learn it because I was the leader of the band, and we had to do the gig. My drumming was not very good, but we got through the show in one piece. Later, the bassist had injuries, so I had to learn how to play the bass. [These accidents are] the main reasons why I can play all these instruments; I had a crash course in how to play them. It was a hard time for me, but a very good experience. It created the base knowledge of all the instruments I use and need to create my current brand of music. After graduating, I really wanted to be in the music business, so I moved to Tokyo and started looking for bands to play with. I basically did it for the experience and to get a feel of all the clubs that were available in Tokyo and Yokohama. At that time I played keyboards, and then I discovered the synthesizer. This was a revelation. First of all, the instructions for the thing were in English so I couldn't read them. I was trying to make sounds but couldn't! I tried for a whole day, but no sound ever came out because I didn't know how to program it or set it up. Finally, the first sound I got off this thing was a wind-like sound, but I was so elated that I actually made some noise, it didn't matter. I turned one of the knobs slowly to make more wind-like noises. Then I decided to buy another synthesizer to form a different type of sound. I just loved the analog sound that it made compared to today's digital sound. Now, my equipment and synthesizers are all analog. But technically, digital is much easier to use for editing and other stuff."

His parents were first opposed to the idea of their son having a musical career. They had other plans for him and in an attempt to get him to see their way, made arrangements for him to take a job at a local company. However he left home without telling them before. He supported himself by taking on several part time jobs such as cooking and civil service work while composing songs at night.

In the early '70s he changed completely to keyboards. He joined the band "Far East Family Band" and toured with them around the world. In Europe he met the German synthesizer musician and former Tangerine Dream member Klaus Schulze. Schulze produced two albums for the band and gave Kitaro some tips for the use of synthesizers.

In 1976 he left the band and travelled through Asia (China, Laos, Thailand, India).

Solo career

Back in Japan Kitaro started his solo career in 1977. The first two albums Ten Kai and From the Full Moon Story became cult favorites of fans of the nascent New Age movement. He performed his first symphonic concert at the 'Small Hall' of the Kosei Nenkin Kaikan in Shinjuku, Tokyo. During this concert Kitaro used a synthesizer to recreate the sounds of 40 different instruments, a world's first. But it was his famous soundtrack for the NHK series "Silk Road" which brought him the international attention.

He struck a worldwide distribution arrangement with Geffen Records in 1986; in 1987 he collaborated with different musicians, e.g. with Micky Hart (Grateful Dead) and Jon Anderson (Yes). In 1988 his record sales soared to 10 million worldwide. He was nominated twice for a Grammy award and his soundtrack for the movie "Heaven & Earth" won the award for best original score. He won another grammy award for his album Thinking of You in 2001.

Personal life

Kitaro is very modest. "Nature inspires me. I am only a messenger", he has said. "To me, some songs are like clouds, some are like water". Since 1983, his reverence for nature has led Kitaro to annually give thanks to Mother Nature in a special "concert" on Mount Fuji or near his house in Colorado. On the day of the full moon of August he beats on the Taiko drum from dusk to dawn. Frequently his hands become bloodied, but he continues to pound.

From 1983 until 1990 Kitaro was married to his first wife, Yuki Taoka. Yuki is a daughter of Kazuo Taoka, godfather of Yamaguchi-gumi, the largest Yakuza syndicate. Kitaro and Yuki have a son, Ryunosuke, who lives in Japan. They reportedly separated because Kitaro worked mostly in the United States while Yuki lived and worked in Japan. In the mid-nineties, Kitaro married Keiko Matsubara, a musician who played on several of his albums. Along with Keiko's son, the couple lived in Ward, Colorado on a 180 acre (730,000 m²) spread and composed in his 2500 square foot (230 m²) home studio "Mochi House" (it is large enough to hold a 70 piece orchestra). Kitaro and Keiko recently relocated to Occidental, California.

Other works

He has also worked with guitarist Marty Friedman, formerly of Megadeth, on the "Scenes" album.
Kitaro composed the soundtrack of the Oliver Stone film Heaven and Earth.

[Adapted from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitaro]
Also, check out http://www.kitaromusic.com/ for more on Kitaro's music.

Here are some of my favourite songs..

This song is Matsuri.
Whenever I listen to this song, it gives me the spirit and strength that words cannot be explained.

This song is Kokoro.
I was really impressed to see when Kitaro played the electric guitar.
Truly amazing~

This song is The Silk Road.

This song is Koi.
This song somehow brings a sense of tranquillity deep within my soul.
Beautiful~

Kitaro is truly an amazing musician.
I really admire and respect him for his passions in music.
He's one of those figures that I look up to in the musical world.
Now, I kind of found back my passion for music again.
Thank you Kitaro~
Music roxs!~
x3

~Motion Pictures~

2008-02-24T00:07:00.004+08:00

Sand Arts

~What A Wonderful World~
My all time favourite song in high school. ^_^

A sound of my garden.

2008-02-23T23:19:00.003+08:00

Nightingale

by Yanni

A little zoo for my garden.

2008-02-22T22:01:00.041+08:00

Eto...

Muahahaha.. welcome to the boys/men zoo!

Here, I'm going to introduce to you most of my favourite manga and anime male characters. There might be some favourite female characters, but mostly it's going to be male since this zoo is about male characters.

First section, Prince of Tennis(POT)!

Look at all those mucho, handsome and pretty boys. Aren't they charming? @u@

This is Kuminitsu Tezuka.
He always has a serious looking face, but he's just so cool and charming. Tezuka is a very responsible and reliable leader. He lead his team well.
Gambatte ne Captain Tezuka!
Tezuka Rox!

This is Shusuke Fuji.
Isn't he pretty? =D
Just feel like fainting everytime he make his manly moves with his pretty face smilling.
Ahhh~ He just set my soul free with his beautiful eyes. *faint*

Opps..
Pardon me for my misbehavior. =P

This is Ryoma Echizen.
He's just a quite boy. He has a cat named Karupin. The kitty is so cute~

This is Eiji Kikumaru.
He is just cute.
That's all. ^^"

Okies...
Next, we move to the One Piece section.

This is Luffy D. Monkey.
He's the captian of the Straw Hat Pirate and a rubber man! @.@"
He a funny guy. A funny guy always lighten up a lady's heart.
Luffy hardly worries about anything in his life even he's a captain..
Such a care-free man.. I really admire him alot!

This is Luffy's brother, named Ace.
He's way cooler than Luffy.
His element is fire.
HOT!

This is Sanji the Chef of the Straw Hat Pirate.
He's a gentleman. A gentleman always has his ways with ladies.
Ladies just love to be treated by a gentleman like him.
*Thank you for the massage, Sanji-kun.*

This is Chopper and he's a reindeer with blue nose.
CUTE~

Next up, we have Naruto. \(^o^)/

These kids roxs! They had inspired me alot.
My favourites are Naruto-kun, Lee-kun, Gaara-sama, Hinata-kun, Kakashi-sensei, and Neji-kun.
Oppss.. I think the other boys are jealous that I din't mention them. Gomen ne. ^^"
Everyone is my favourites. =D

Awwww~
This is so romantic. xD
I just love this picture.
This kind of reminded me of someone(muahahaha ^o^).
Hehehe.. imagining about someone now.
*day-dreaming* x3

Coming up, Bleach.

Hmm... I don't know what to say about them. ^^"

But..

I like Ishida the most in Bleach.
Hmm.. got nothing much to describe about him.
I guess i'm running out of words to describe stuff. ^^"

Here's some hot chicks for the guys.
I find this disturbing though. @.@"
I have no idea why I'm putting this.
I guess I just need to entertain some of the male readers that visit my post here. ^^"

(click on the pic for larger view)

Now, back to our tour...

This is my favaourite site.
I present to you, the Studio Ghibli Productions! \(^u^)/

Spirited Away
This is my favourite movie.
That's Chihiro and Haku there.
Whenever i watch this movie, I'll always imagine that I'm Chihiro.
Then, Haku is there to support and save me.
*day-dreaming again*

Princess Mononoke
This is Ashitaka hugging San.
Awww~
So romantic.
*sob sob* TuT

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind

Although she's a female character, I like her alot.

She's a nature-lover.
So am I.

*we love nature!* >o<"

My Neighbour Totoro

Totoro roxs!
I think I'm really out of words to say already. I guess whatever is nice.. i will just blab out, "........ rox!" ^o^"

Laputa

Pazu and Sheeta rox! =p

Howl's Moving Castle

Sophie and howl rox!

Whisper of the Heart

Shizuku and Seiji rox!

The Cat Returns

This roxs! =P

All in all, the Studio Ghibli movies that I had mentioned are truly inspiring.
They touched my heart.
I've learnt so much from them.
I've learnt that in order to chase after one's dream, one needs to persevere through and have great determination in the heart.
I've learnt the importance to believe in myself, and have faith and passion in the things that we do and want to achieve.
Believe~
*day-dreaming again* ^^"

Hmm...
Okies....

This is Final Fantasy VIII.

Squall roxs!
He is one of those characters that I have crush for a very long period. xD

This is Fullmatel Alchemist.

I like all these three guys. =D
Flame-alchemist guy, Elric, and Edward rox!

This is Cardcaptor Sakura.

I like Lee-san and that grey-haired guy(i forgotten his name. ^^")

This is Tsubasa Chronicle.

I like all of them, especially i like all the guys.
*ngek ngek*

This is Doraemon.

Doraemon roxs! =p

This is Ayashi no Ceres.

Tooya roxs!
The story is really dark(that's what i felt), but it's nice and romantic in a way. =D

This is Paradise Kiss.

Err... i forgot the names again. ^^"
Looks like i'm really bad with names. =P
I like the grey-haired guy.
He's a gentleman. xD

This is Peach Girl.

I like both the guys.
Ahh.. i forgot what are their names again. ^^"
Gomen ne~ u.u"

Hehe...
That's all folks.
Geezz...
Looks like I'm really not that good in making interesting post.
Gomen ne~
@.@"
Day-dreaming roxs!

My hand beats photoshop! =P

2008-02-20T01:24:00.009+08:00

Eto..

I was inspired to try out photoshop by Foxy. ^_^
I drew this to try and experiment with photoshop. =D

(click on the picture for larger view)

However, after hours of trying, I'm stil a noob in photoshop. How disappointing. T_T"

So, I ended up using my hand-skill to complete this art instead. ^^"

(click on the picture for larger view)

Turned out quite nice. =3
I name this..
~A dream, a hope, that warms the heart~

SWEET!`~

~The More He Cares, The More She Trusts~

2008-02-14T00:36:00.019+08:00

The Little Story of Us.

When I first met him, it was during our orientation day. A few weeks before college started, one of my friends (Jesmond) mentioned that one of his hometown friends was going to attend the same college as I did. Then I realised that he was the person my friend mentioned. My first impression towards him was: “ah-beng”. Moreover during that time I was already involved with someone else, so I hardly noticed any other male person even though I was mostly surrounded by male friends.

After I broke off with my ex (and later came out from my depression period), I began to mix around with more people. During that time I came to know him a little bit better. I always called him Justin di-di (little brother) and I really treated him like my little brother. Then I took up guitar lesson from him (I started calling him J-sensei instead). Since then, I began to actually notice him bit by bit. During lessons, he really impressed me a lot with his guitar skills. I really admired his confidence in playing the guitar. Also, during moral studies, sitting with him would be really fun. He cheered me up a lot ‘coz I would feel down due to depression sometimes. Eventually, I realised that my feelings for him began to grow. I began to think of him more, day by day. At first, I thought that these feelings I had for him might have just been a rebound (resulting from the break-up). However, as time passed, I knew that it was a sincere feeling.

Ever since I started to have a crush on him, I did my best to hide these feelings. I had absolutely no intention in getting involved with anyone at that moment.

Other than teaching me how to play the guitar, he also helped me out here and there in my studies. I really felt comforted and supported when he was around to help me out since I was struggling in my studies. The feelings I had for him began to grow stronger. People around us started to notice that we hang out more together as I’m learning the guitar and getting help in studies from him. People started teasing us, I was uncomfortable with it, but he was not affected by the teasing at all. He was still there to help me whenever I needed his help.

Sometimes, when it rained and I couldn’t get back to my car to go home, he would walk me back to my car with his umbrella. I really felt that he’s someone that I can really rely on.

As I got to know him more, I noticed more of his good and bad points. His good points that I noticed at that time were responsible, reliable, honest, smart, hardworking, (sometimes he can be quite) caring, cool, have quite a good-taste and is actually quite good-looking. His bad points would be being cold, stingy, selfish, stubborn, having an I-don’t-care attitude, picky and proud. Well, his bad point were more noticeable then his good ones, actually. Sometimes I was quite turned off by these bad points. However, as I got to know him even better, I began to accept who he really is, and his good points became stronger and stronger in my mind. I just like the way he is, no matter how bad or good he is.

During our AAA Night, I felt that somehow we became warmer towards each other. I really had a great time that night partly because he kind of made my day. I felt that our eyes met and clicked when he accompanied me back to my car. After that day, the way he approached me seemed different, much warmer.

During the semester break, I had to go for my backbone surgery. Somehow he became more caring and we never failed to message each other every night. I was really happy and grew deeply in love with him. It was because of my operation that helped him realised how much he cared and liked me (This part I was informed just recently). That’s how it made him approach me more and we grew closer from there.

When the semester break was over, we met back at college, but we somehow began to feel awkward facing each other. During the break, we never met. We just communicated through phone and msn, and flirted quite a lot. So I thought to break the ice and go out to have lunch when classes ended. However, we were still very awkward in each other’s presence. That was my 1^st time seeing him looking so scared (does not seem like his usual “cool” self). Luckily, Brother Ian was there to help us warm up with each other a bit. After lunch, I went to MPH (a bookstore) to buy some books. He somewhat got the courage to talk to me and apologised for his “weird behaviour”. Later, he asked me to follow him. He said he wanted to show me something. I had no idea what it was and just followed him. When we reached the Dictionary Section, he pulled out a dictionary. I grew suspicious but did not expect anything. Then he showed me one of the pages and pointed at the word “like”. I thought, ‘ …“like”? I’m so blur now.’ Then, he started to point at himself, then at “like”, and then at me. I only realised then what was going on. It was really unexpected. I never thought this would happen so early. I was so shocked, and I don’t know what to say. He repeated the actions for a few times. I was still too shocked to think of anything to say and the 1^st word that popped out of my mouth is “sha-chu” (meaning ‘stupid pig’ in Mandarin). He still didn’t get me, so he kept on repeating those actions a few more times and I kept on saying “sha-chu” a few times. Finally, when I was a bit clear from my shock, I replied “I know”. Then only did stop our silly communication. The next thing I knew, I was walking away and he held my hand. Although, this little confession may seem lame and silly to others, I found it really special. It was very sweet. He was really brave enough to confess to me; face-to-face. Those little gestures really touched me a lot. It made me feel how special and important I was to him. I really missed that moment.
4^th of July was really a special day to me.

However, getting involved during that period was probably bad timing. My previous break-up actually still had a great impact on me. I was very protective of myself. I was afraid to open up to him too much and lost myself again. I thought of letting him know some secrets about my past relationship to let myself to feel more secure. I wanted to be honest right from the beginning in order to let him accept my past before we grew really close. However, this had caused him to feel insecure towards us.

One time, I was going on a vacation with my mother to Bali Island. I would be away from college for about 3days. I left him my little hypo-doll and The Secret book. I hoped that it could accompany him and keep him from thinking bad things bout my past. When I left for Bali, he sent me e-mails everyday to tell me about his day and how he felt. Three e-mails (love letters) in total. I was really touched by how dedicated and how serious he was towards me. My trust for him began to grow more as his care for me grew more.

Also, I needed rest in the car after classes due to the fact that my backbone was still recovering from the operation and treatments. Once in a while, he would sit by my side while I rest. This really made me felt safe to be by his side.

However, time passed but he still he couldn’t get over my past. He wanted a time-out to get a hold of himself. I knew I should have prepared myself for this earlier, but my heart just shattered a little when this happened. Unconsciously, I lost the feeling of trust and security that he had given me. Even though he was always there by my side during the time-out, I had thought that we would never be back together again. My emotions became even more unstable than before and there was also the added pressure of my studies. However, once in a while, I would bring my guitar to have some fun with him. He wouldl be the one using it mostly and play me lots of nice songs to cheer me up. I was really touched. Whenever he played the guitar for me, he always made me feel very special and happy. Once, I remembered, he said that my past relationship was the one that pulled me down; he wants to be the one that pushed me up. I was really touched by it and I really wanted this to come true.

Eventually, the time-out had helped him to get over the past. However, my emotions grew more and more unstable as the pressure of studies grew heavier and I hadn’t quite recovered from the trust and security that I had just lost. I became more demanding, emotionally needy and was always searching for trouble. I knew he was actually pressured by my change in attitude and emotional instability. One day, I realised what kind of a sad person I’d changed into. Overnight, I finally realised that I was ready and wanted to put all my trust and heart into our relationship for him. But on that day, he was already at his limit. He couldn’t go on with the relationship anymore. He had fallen out of love. He dumped me. But I was not surprised that he would actually do that. I had expected it since I’ve realised my mistakes. I accepted it. It was hard to swallow but I just took it in. I didn’t sleep for more then 36hours after that. I was only able to sleep when my brain was completely exhausted enough to think about absolutely nothing.

I was still very weak in studies and I knew I still needed his help in my studies. He was still willing to help me out in studies. When we met at college the first time after the break up, I really didn’t know how to face him. I really wanted to go over to his side and simply lean against his shoulder, but I knew that was no longer possible. However, he was still there to support me studies-wise. Almost everyday he would accompany me in the library to study. Although we were not together, being able to have his support and just be by his side was satisfying enough for me. I became more focused in my studies. I distracted myself from feeling lost and sad by focusing on my studies more than ever.

As the final exams were getting nearer, the pressure was overwhelming. My emotions were also affected. Unconsciously, I had actually hurt some of my friends by saying the wrong things and causing misunderstandings everywhere. It was really quite depressing being pressured by both friends and studies. But he was there for me; he believed in me, he would lend me his shoulder when I needed him. I knew that he still had feelings for me, but I had not dare pursue relationship matters. I already had too much to handle in my own hand. Another incident happened, I said the wrong thing at the wrong time again, and this time he was angry of me. I did not understand why and I kept on trying to reach out to him. Soon I got tired of being like this. I began to let go of the feelings I had for him. I felt so much lighter. After a few days, his anger had subsided and we were on good terms but were actually still quite cold. I did not expect anything, so I just went with the flow.

I focused in my studies more and he still helped me a lot in studies and accompanied me in the library. Almost everyday he would study with me in the library. My focus was so into studies that I hardly thought about relationship matters anymore. Once, he wanted to borrow my hula-hoop to shape-up himself. I jokingly requested for a hug each day as rental for the hula-hoop. He said he would consider it. The day after he borrowed it, he gave me a hug. Almost everyday I got 1 hug. It was truly comforting. After receiving all sorts of stress that I had to carry everyday, it was actually like a small stress-reliever to get that small hug.

Time flew, exams started, and still I persevered through with my studies. One time, the day before Physic Paper4, I had broken down. I’ve lost confidence in my studies. I began to cry silently in the library. He was sitting by my side as I did. It was already late at night; he was still accompanying me studying until this late. I was really thankful for his support. When I felt down and cried, he was there by my side and reminded me that I wasn’t alone. He was even willing to stay up that late with me. Whether it was because he wanted to study for his own sake or just wanted to be there for me at the same time, I really felt grateful for his simple presence.

Finally, my last exam was over. That day, he had promised me that he would play the guitar for me after I’ve finished my exam. I really enjoyed it and had fun. Now that my stress was gone, I was able to think more clearly and deeply about this relationship of ours. There were a few outings with him and the rest of the gang. This time I got to join them as well. During the outing, he took very good care of my safety. I really felt safe and protected.

When we went for the Pangkor Island trip, we grew closer. We both agreed that we wanted to commit to each other again. I was really happy. I was able to let my trust and love for him to flow more freely compared to the past. We knew what we are getting into. Even though this time the relationship is going to be more difficult as it is going to be long distance and our futures are still very uncertain, we are prepared to face it.

Now, we are still together facing obstacles bit-by-bit, step-by-step. May we overcome it one at a time. May our relationship grow stronger and more lovingly everyday.
I really love him a lot.

*Happy Valentine's Day!*

Perspectives of Life

2008-02-11T21:45:00.001+08:00

These are my Mirrors of Life.
These are the mirors which I viewed and helped me learn more about what is life.

Firstly, the Mirror of Family.

Family is like sow a lil garden of mine.
It's like creating a world of my own in order to feel free to be myself.
In family, every members are different from each other.
It's like there are many different plants in the garden.
Living in a family, there has to be patience, love or passion, tolerance, kindness, determination, wisdom, space, time and many more.
It's like planting a flower seed, these virtues as to be cultivated in order to let it grow and spring.
Of course, there are many obstacles here and there, like bugs and diseases attacking the lil garden.
However, without these lil challenges, a family can hardly grow stronger.
Furthermore, having a family brings more joys and happiness to life.
It's like after a long hard work over the seasons, when the garden blooms serenely, the joy of being part of this beauty is just more than words.

Secondly, the Mirror of Friends.

Friends are like butterflies(or honey bees) and flowers.
They relly on each other in order to survive.
The flowers produce nectar and the butterflies consume it.
At the same time, the butterflies brings the pollen of the flowers to the other flowers in order to continues the cycle of life.
The butterflies and flowers are benefitting each other and supporting each other.
Without one another, they can't move on with their life.
Friends need one another in order to move on with life.
People needs friend(s) to be able to live life to the fullest.
That is why those that have friend(s) always felt supported and blessed and their life seems fuller.

Thirdly, the Mirror of Love.

Love is everything.
It warms our heart, clears our mind, and cleanses our soul.
It brings compasions, humanity, generousity, kindness, care, trust, forgiveness, understanding, and many more to our little world.
Love is non-judgemental. It helps anyone to freely and safely be whoever they want to be without being judge.
Love can bring more happiness than anyone can bring.
Love brings peace.
Love is like hugging an innocent puppy.
The unconditional love is that light that brightens up everyone's life.

Fourth, the Mirror of Peaceful Mind.

A peaceful mind brings wisdom.
It is like when we are full of worries(scared or any negativities), we try to bring out a peaceful mind by meditating or praying.
Once we are calmed down, we have a clearer mind. We will be able to see things from many different points of views.
We will be able to gain more confidence in ourselves and have a bigger picture of our life.
This wil help us and enable us to go with the flow.
Hence, less negative and more positive thoughts.
This is what happiness is all about.
We are in control of our mind, we are in contol of our life, and we are in control of our own happiness.

Fifth, the Mirror of Future(Career or Studies).

The future seems unpedictable.
It may seem so bright and yet there are many shadows around it.
We are scared of facing it.
However, Dreams and Hopes are what made us all persevere through and to follow the Light in out path that brings us to our Destiny.
We have to summon up all the courage to face it.
That is what made us stronger.

Sixth, the Miror of Romance.

Romance is a very mysterious territory to enter, and, yet, it seems desiring.
It brings sparks, hopes, adventures, obstacles, make out, make love, happiness, sadness, etc.
Romance is what makes the heart feels sweet and loved.
However, it only brings a temporary happiness.
Even i know not much about it. =P

Lastly, the Mirror or Money!

Some say it is the root of all evil.
Some say it can buy everything but soma say it can't.
Money may bring wealth and power, but it may not bring happiness.
Money is a very confusing matter where people fight over it.
Money may destroy the meaning of life.
Hence, i think that money is not everything but it can be something. =P

~p.s.~
All the arts are drew by me.
As a picture paints a thousand words, i hope these pictures are able to convey more words than i hav to say.
^_^

~eto~

2008-02-11T18:28:00.000+08:00

Eto...

This blog wil be my little garden of expression.
May my little patience, passion, wisdom and creativity pour onto this lil garden bit by bit
and
may it bloom into a sanctuary where i can roam freely. \(^o^)/
May my love ones, family members, friends and anyone are able to appreciate this lil garden of mine. =:3

*peace* (>u<)V