The pain in my heart..

This might be probably the best place for me to write about my feelings since this blog of mine has dulled off and no one would read. This might be a safe place to express myself and maybe i might feel heard and not be judged by people.

It has been less than a month since that I considered about suicide, and this is my third time considering. I feel so worthless, useless and negligible. I tried saying my feelings out but it is so hard to use words to express. I try to let people understand my positions, but people just became more misunderstood about me.

Before yesterday, I did manage to keep a positive mentality for a whole week. I was thrilled at my progress. But over a small event, mostly due to my fault : the sensitive and selfish me, my whole week of effort went to waste.

I really don't want to live like this. I want to live happily. I know that I am blessed enough to have a wonderful comfortable home, people who love and care for me, and mostly get whatever I want. But why am I so easily affected by emotions. And I have so much difficulty expressing myself. There is no outlet for me to pour all the negativities out from my heart.

I did consider a dairy, but I can never trust diary because due to past experience I can never trust a diary anymore. I cannot write, I cannot speak, what can I do to break away from this pain?

I thought that I can slowly pick myself up to be a happy person. I only did manage for one week, I did learn to smile from my heart again. But now, I easily stumble over a small challenge. I used to have such a strong will power, where has this strength of mine has gone?

However, not all hopes are lost. I still have this small bit of strength left to stop me from throwing my life away. It is a lonely journey to fight myself out of this darkness, but I will fight no matter what. I will bring out every bit of fighting spirit left in me to move on.

And with the every bit of strength I mustered, I will do my best to believe that I can become a happy, calm and peaceful person. I will do my best!

Grey Dove

This evening, something extraordinary happened. Maybe to some of you would think that this is just nothing. But, I truly think the following event might be fated or something that cannot be explained.

Well, today I was supposed to continue research for my final-year-project. However, I procrastinated until afternoon. When I wanted to start my research, I only realised that I left my pendrive in my car, which my mom had driven out. So I was unable to start, which gave me another opportunity to procrastinate.When my mom came back with my car, I made another excuse not to get my pendrive as the sun was too hot for me to go out. By the late evening, I finally budged myself to make a move.

It was just few seconds away from my front gate and getting the pendrive from my car. When I was entering the front gate, a grey dove was just standing right in front (or in the middle) of my door step. As I move nearer, it was not scared of me. As I stood just right beside and touching its feathers, it didn’t move until I gave it a gentle push. It walked a few step away from me, but didn’t run away. So I attempted to touch it. As I caressed it, it just stood there as I did so. Finally, I decided to carry it up and it did not make any struggle what-so-ever. I quickly ran to my mom and sister showing what I’ve found.

Concluding that it might be hurt, we put it in a bird cage; serving it with paddy rice and water but it did not heed any of the food and drink. It just sat there resting quietly. We left the cage open, so that it could fly away whenever it wants.

While I was at the living hall thinking about the bird, I recalled, during my childhood time, how my father; sister and I found a bird. That bird was also as helpless as this bird. Judging by this current bird’s symptoms, this bird is almost near to its last breath as well.

Less than one hour after we left it, I went over to have a look, it looked like it don’t even have the strength to sit or stand properly. Its wings and tail were sprayed open as if trying to make an effort to stand. Its neck is bent as if trying to rest or hide. My first instinct told me is that this bird only left a few seconds or minutes.

I quickly ran over to my mom and told her, and she quickly made prayers for this bird so that it could have a good moment before its end. My mom, sister and I made prayer together for this bird. In just a few minutes, it passed away. I did not witness its last breath. I was in the toilet due to nature’s call as I can’t hold it anymore. My mom told me that its head made a small movement as if holding its last breath before it passed away. We made our final prayer for this bird before we bury it in a nearby park.

Maybe some of you might not understand why I would think that this is something extraordinary. In Buddhism, before each being passed on, they will see many things. And the those images seen by each being before passing away would determine where its soul would go. Hence, by making prayers to any being before and after death, we hope that the prayers would lead the souls to a better place.

I asked myself: What if I did not went out to get my pendrive at that time? Will I still be able to help this bird on it last moments? Why didn’t it go to someone else’s house? Why did it stood right in front of my doorstep? Everything during that particular event felt like it has been arranged. The timing and place was just right. I felt that it knew that we could help to ease its last moment, that’s why it stood there right in front of me. I felt honoured that we were able to help it.