The pain in my heart..

This might be probably the best place for me to write about my feelings since this blog of mine has dulled off and no one would read. This might be a safe place to express myself and maybe i might feel heard and not be judged by people.

It has been less than a month since that I considered about suicide, and this is my third time considering. I feel so worthless, useless and negligible. I tried saying my feelings out but it is so hard to use words to express. I try to let people understand my positions, but people just became more misunderstood about me.

Before yesterday, I did manage to keep a positive mentality for a whole week. I was thrilled at my progress. But over a small event, mostly due to my fault : the sensitive and selfish me, my whole week of effort went to waste.

I really don't want to live like this. I want to live happily. I know that I am blessed enough to have a wonderful comfortable home, people who love and care for me, and mostly get whatever I want. But why am I so easily affected by emotions. And I have so much difficulty expressing myself. There is no outlet for me to pour all the negativities out from my heart.

I did consider a dairy, but I can never trust diary because due to past experience I can never trust a diary anymore. I cannot write, I cannot speak, what can I do to break away from this pain?

I thought that I can slowly pick myself up to be a happy person. I only did manage for one week, I did learn to smile from my heart again. But now, I easily stumble over a small challenge. I used to have such a strong will power, where has this strength of mine has gone?

However, not all hopes are lost. I still have this small bit of strength left to stop me from throwing my life away. It is a lonely journey to fight myself out of this darkness, but I will fight no matter what. I will bring out every bit of fighting spirit left in me to move on.

And with the every bit of strength I mustered, I will do my best to believe that I can become a happy, calm and peaceful person. I will do my best!

Grey Dove

This evening, something extraordinary happened. Maybe to some of you would think that this is just nothing. But, I truly think the following event might be fated or something that cannot be explained.

Well, today I was supposed to continue research for my final-year-project. However, I procrastinated until afternoon. When I wanted to start my research, I only realised that I left my pendrive in my car, which my mom had driven out. So I was unable to start, which gave me another opportunity to procrastinate.When my mom came back with my car, I made another excuse not to get my pendrive as the sun was too hot for me to go out. By the late evening, I finally budged myself to make a move.

It was just few seconds away from my front gate and getting the pendrive from my car. When I was entering the front gate, a grey dove was just standing right in front (or in the middle) of my door step. As I move nearer, it was not scared of me. As I stood just right beside and touching its feathers, it didn’t move until I gave it a gentle push. It walked a few step away from me, but didn’t run away. So I attempted to touch it. As I caressed it, it just stood there as I did so. Finally, I decided to carry it up and it did not make any struggle what-so-ever. I quickly ran to my mom and sister showing what I’ve found.

Concluding that it might be hurt, we put it in a bird cage; serving it with paddy rice and water but it did not heed any of the food and drink. It just sat there resting quietly. We left the cage open, so that it could fly away whenever it wants.

While I was at the living hall thinking about the bird, I recalled, during my childhood time, how my father; sister and I found a bird. That bird was also as helpless as this bird. Judging by this current bird’s symptoms, this bird is almost near to its last breath as well.

Less than one hour after we left it, I went over to have a look, it looked like it don’t even have the strength to sit or stand properly. Its wings and tail were sprayed open as if trying to make an effort to stand. Its neck is bent as if trying to rest or hide. My first instinct told me is that this bird only left a few seconds or minutes.

I quickly ran over to my mom and told her, and she quickly made prayers for this bird so that it could have a good moment before its end. My mom, sister and I made prayer together for this bird. In just a few minutes, it passed away. I did not witness its last breath. I was in the toilet due to nature’s call as I can’t hold it anymore. My mom told me that its head made a small movement as if holding its last breath before it passed away. We made our final prayer for this bird before we bury it in a nearby park.

Maybe some of you might not understand why I would think that this is something extraordinary. In Buddhism, before each being passed on, they will see many things. And the those images seen by each being before passing away would determine where its soul would go. Hence, by making prayers to any being before and after death, we hope that the prayers would lead the souls to a better place.

I asked myself: What if I did not went out to get my pendrive at that time? Will I still be able to help this bird on it last moments? Why didn’t it go to someone else’s house? Why did it stood right in front of my doorstep? Everything during that particular event felt like it has been arranged. The timing and place was just right. I felt that it knew that we could help to ease its last moment, that’s why it stood there right in front of me. I felt honoured that we were able to help it.

May he be well and happy always

It had been almost a month since I got my 1st pet rabbit. We changed his name a few times already. Initally was Bit-bit, then Le-le, finally Win-win. Currently he's just 7weeks old. We been through alot with him in such a short time. Taking care of him, worrying for him, feeding him, cleaning him, bringing him to vet and everything that we can do to keep him at his best.

I haven't seen Win-win for almost a week now as I've got exam to focus and cannot take care of rabbit.

However, I just received news that he had ran away. My mom had no time to take care of him as she's very busy over new house's matters, so she sent to my aunt to take care. Just this morning, my aunt pitied him for being prison in a cage, so she let him out in the living hall to run around. In a glimpse of a moment, when my aunt went to take food, he was gone. No where to be found. That was what I heard.

When I got the news, I know that I had to accept the fact and let go. But, some part of me just felt that something is lost. I missed him dearly. During this 1week of not being able to see him, I thought of him every night and day. I am sad. No words can explain my lost.

My mom was sad too. She was the one that took care and spent most time with him. I hope that my mom is alright. She's worry that I cannot cope with this lost and distract me from my exam. My results will not be the reason for this lost. I hope that my mom can understand. I know that she beliefs in me that I am strong to take this on and move on.

I understand everything happens for a reason. I do not blame anyone. I just hope, wish and pray that Win-win will be well, happy, and healthy. May he be blessed.

I will let you go from my heart now, with all the blessings that I can give to you.

I love you, Win-win. Take care.

The journey to my Heart.

Feeling stuck somewhere.
Wanting to get out. How?
Finding what’s most important to me isn’t helping.
Why clinging to such feelings?
Attachments.
Attachments are what made us suffer.
The greatest attachment is the ego.
The ego that makes you think whether
You deserve the respect, love, efforts put in, etc.
Being aware and be free of all these require a strong heart.
I want to be stronger.
I want to be able to smile like I used to smile,
When I was daring to smile even in my most hardest and trying times.
I want to be carefree again.
Watching and observing kids are such privilege in this grown-up world.
We all have choices in life.
Making wrong choices do not mean the end of the world.
Be brave enough to accept who we are.
Our flaws, our beauties, our families, our friends, and our enemies.
We are a part of One World.
Seeing ourselves within the universe humble us down.
We are but a tiny dust in this space and time.
Worry? Why worry?
Taking everything easily makes things far better and happier.
However easily they are, do it all with your heart.
Going with the flow, be part of nature.
Don’t you think we are much happier, feel more alive,
Smelling and feeling the refreshing wet air in the morning.
Appreciating the present moment.
That is what you called being alive.
Being aware of ourselves means being aware of our surroundings.
Be free of thoughts and feelings, these delusions.
Free at last, free at last!
I’ve finally found the light within myself.

~written by me~

~May you be well, peaceful and happy~

How am I?

Dear blog, sorry for not writing for so long.

Recently I realized that I have some major changes on myself.

I’ve been emotionally unstable again. However, I did manage to get hold of myself and overcame my own insanity.

I’ve been losing my self-discipline lately. Did not take actions most of the time for the things that I want to do. Procrastination. I find it really hard to take the first step of self-discipline after losing it. I have not been hanging out with most of my friends that is precious to me.

I want to be able to quickly take actions on whatever decisions I made. I want to respect time. I want to be able to be more efficient in what I’m doing. I want to have less emotion down-turn. I want to smile more. I want to be happy always. I want to be less calculative. I want to always think positive. I want to be a smart learner. I want to be physically and mentally fit. I want to be surrounded by friends that can encourage and support whatever I do without any judgments on me. I want to be a good person. I want to be able to truly express myself how ever I want to without people judging me. I want to improve myself.

If today were my last day, what will I do? I do not know. Am I to spend my time doing the things I like most? Or spend doing things that is my duty but not something I truly want.

What do I want the most in life? I do not know. Maybe, just by being happy will do.

However, sometimes losing life’s purpose isn’t that bad: when once in awhile remembering things that I truly want and dreamt of in life, that will be a relief.

As for love life, I believed that I’ve found someone better and suited me better. However, life isn’t that easy even though a better person came into your life. My honeymoon period is over. It is time to come back to reality. I will do my best to learn and accept what he truly is (good and bad points). In this relationship, I’ve learnt more about perseverance, patience, tolerance, respect, non-judgmental attitude, etc. I am still not able to full be a good girlfriend, but I’m doing my best.

In addition, this relationship is objected by my father due to same surname. I truly hope that my father would be able to respect me as this is my own life. I respect his traditional point of view, but I hope that he can respect mine as well.

I know that I have not been tending the garden of my life that much. Too much weeds around now. Hopefully I would be able to take the first step and start a much-stronger-and-self-discipline-attitude.

That’s all for now.

Twallaalaaa~

Summer is finally over.
Uni-life year1 just started. 
Week1 was quite a breeze.
However, the waves of challenges are coming soon.
And I am prepared for it.
 
Most of the list of things I wanted to do during the summer only achieved about 10%.
So…
What have I achieved during the summer?
I’ve learn more about myself; what I really want in life, my heart and my dreams.
I’ve learnt to be more feminine. So the time has come for me to learn to be a lady since I’ve told myself that after 21 years old that I need to do so.
I’ve learnt about improving my image.
I’ve learnt to control my emotions better.
I’ve learnt to respect myself and others more.
Learn to bond with people that are close to me.
There are still tons of things that I’ve achieved, but the aforementioned are those that I can recall.
 
A week before uni start, it was one of the most happening events during the summer:-
Went out with secondary friends: Sou’s farewell outing. Consist of Sou, Zie, Jess, Lavania, Alin and me.
Went out with college friends: Kevin’s birthday. Consist of Kevin, Joo Hor, Chee Leong and me.
Meet up with old friend: Umair.
Bought new phone; and beautify myself. =P
Many more.. ^^”

For these pics, check out my facebook.
 
During the first week of uni life, I’ve manage to bond back with quite a number of friends. There are still a lot more friends that I need to catch up with. I just need to slowly find time and hang out with them. ^_^ 
 
Just yesterday, I went to climb Broga Hill for the 3rd time in life. ^_^
It was really fun. Climbed with WenShan, WenShin, Sarah, LianHing, PooiMun, KengMun, KamHing, PingShen and Suan. Then got terrible sun-burnt. ^^”
    

 Group Photo

  

Me!

   

My sun-burn.

   

Can see the differeance better now? Compared to my fair thigh. =P

 

   

Oh ya.. This noon did some funny stuff. Took this pics. Colourful aye~

 

 The middle one, Blue is mine. Plu~~

Green is Wenshan's and Orange is Kengmun's.

  

  

I think that’s all for now. Those friends that I still haven’t catch up and hang out with at uni, wait for me ya. ^_^

   

   

Appreciation-in-practice: I am grateful that I am able to experience so many things in life. Whether it is good or bad, I am thankful for it. May all the experiences that I've gone through made me more whole in person. I am grateful that the universe is always out there to support me. Thank you.

In practice of Law of Attraction #1

I am aiming for what I am going to achieve and experience over my university life during year 2. So, here’s a practice for me to attract all the followings in life.

Since I have found a wonderful place in tts4wifi-precinct, may my room-mate (who I don’t know at the moment) is a wonderful person. May we be able to communicate with each other well. We’ll be able to get along very well along our uni life until graduate. If possible, we’ll attain great friendship and be able to live a happy and balanced uni life.

Since I have gotten a car (I am going to name him Plu), May I always be safe and alert on the road. May this car help me repay those that had helped me so much during my year 1. May Plu and me are able to communicate well. May I be discipline and treat Plu well.

Since I am entering year 2, the pressures on studies will increase than last year. May I be able to cope well under pressure. May I be surrounded with supportive friends. And I am thankful that I am able to find quite a number of relax, easy-going, and supportive friends during year 1. May they go through a wonderful uni life as well. May I find more wonderful friends and have a wonderful time together. Well, friends are very important part of my studies life as they are one of the important motivations that make my life more bearable. During my secondary school life and college life, am surrounded with wonderful friends. May I be able to maintain and find more wonderful friends during uni life as well. May those that are not studying the same place as me be able to enjoy a wonderful life and we still keep in touch.

Since our healths are in jeopardy of the H1N1 flu, may I stay healthy and strong. May I be able to take care of myself well. May I discipline myself to exercise and eat well. May all my friends stay healthy and be strong. My all of the uni-mates be healthy and strong. May everyone be healthy, happy, peaceful and well.

Since I will be away from my parents, may my mom and my father get along well. May they be healthy, strong, and live well. May my sis at New Zealand be healthy, strong and happy too. May my grandma, aunties, uncles and cousins have a great life too.

Since I have so many things in mind that I wish them to come true, may I be grateful for what I have at the moment. Gratitude-in-practice:-

I am grateful that I have this blog to help me practice the law of attraction.
I am grateful that I have a place to sleep.
I am grateful that I have a home to stay.
I am grateful that I have a family. (It may not be perfect, but I am grateful.)
I am grateful that I am surrounded by wonderful friends.
I am grateful that I’ve met wonderful soul-mates that came and went into my life. (My definition of soul-mate is not the married-couples type.)
I am grateful that I am able to find quite a number of precious friends.
I am grateful that these friends made a difference in my world.
I am grateful that I made a difference in this world.
I am grateful that I have a functional body to walk a normal daily life.
I am grateful that I have dreams and am pursuing them.
I am grateful that I am in practice of being happy.
I am grateful that I am single and on a journey to find who I really am.
I am grateful that I love myself.
I am grateful that I am on a journey to be a better person.
I am grateful that I am doing my best to be more loving and forgiving.
I am grateful that I am being loved by so many people.
I am grateful that I am spiritually strong and stable. (Though I am not strong in religion)
I am grateful that I am able to realise that I have so many good things in life.
I am grateful that I am able to achieve the dreams that I had achieved.
I am grateful that I have a simple, happy and peaceful life.
I am grateful that the dreams and goals that I am aiming for will be achieved someday.

I am grateful!

Thank you for loving me

Today, I had to let go of the relationship between Sha Zhu and I.
Our relationship lasted for 2 years 1month 2weeks 4days.
However, we are still friends. I still consider him as my best friend.

I do not have the energy to explain again how and why did it became this way.
So, I am going to use the letter I sent to sha zhu to justify myself.
Sha zhu, hope that you don’t mind.

Dear Sha Zhu,
   Before you start reading, please prepare your heart. This is not good news. Take a few deep breaths please before you continue. And please understand and be strong.
   I’ve been thinking a lot lately as you had known. Really a lot. These past few days, I woke up many times in the middle of the night feeling lost. Even though when I am emotionally calmed, I realised most part of me cannot hold on to the relationship anymore. I am really sorry. The doubts between the relationship and myself had started since beginning of this year (about February, March or April). I was beginning to doubt myself and my purpose for holding on to the relationship. These feelings of lost had started so long ago, each day I’m feeling more broken for feeling this way. 
   I was feeling lost and broken between afraid of losing you, my treasured person, and following my heart at the same time. These past few days, I only realized what my heart really wants. My heart is telling me that it is time to let go. Otherwise, if we prolong this situation longer, this would turn bitter and sour and we could suffer more. You can think that I am selfish. Maybe I am selfish. I did say that I want to give another try until December, but I did not persevere until the end. I am really sorry. I realised that I cannot be in a commitment now (I have too many pressures and responsibilities that I cant handle being serious and committed now). And there are many other factors that resulted to how I am feeling now. These past few months, I also realised that my addiction for mangas and dramas are a kind of sickness. I was running away from the reality and from myself by submerging myself into all these addiction. I don’t want to lose myself anymore. Hence, it is time for me to wake up and take the courage and face myself. I am sorry that I let you be involved in my own mess as well.
   You are a precious someone to me. I consider you as one of my most important person in life. What I went through with you during A-level and later on are all precious to me and changed me a lot. I can say, without your presence and supports, I would not be the present Woan Wei. I might be someone different. You taught me how to love myself. That’s one of the most important things I’ve learnt from you. Along my relationship with you, I’ve learnt many other great things as well. You have proved to me that our friendship survived no matter our relationship failed in the past. Hence, I would still want to remain with you as my best friend if it is still possible. As I told you before, I do still have feelings for you. However, again, my heart says it is time to let go and move on. And I need to be true to myself this time. I am really sorry that I cannot hold on with you in this relationship anymore. I understand and know that this will be hard on you and will hurt you, and it pains me as well to do so. I am really sorry. 
   We may still end up being together in future. However, we do not know how the future will be. This time, please do no wait for me. I wish that you could go further in life without a burden of waiting-for-me with you. I will do the same as well.
   Is it possible that we remain as best friend? I would not want to lose you too. But if you don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable with it, I will understand. 
   Please forgive me. And if you ever feel that you have lost me. Please don’t feel this way. You will never lose me. Let the memories of our past be of something to cherish. And lets face forward and strive for our goals and dreams in life individually. Please be strong for yourself, I will be strong for myself too.
   Thank you for loving me all this time. You have touched my heart for your efforts and honesty and sincerity. I belief that you have no more regrets like last time coz’ this time you really did your best. I truly cherish and admire you. A person like you is hard to find. Please treat yourself well. Please continue to love yourself and bring yourself more happiness into your life. Everything happens for a reason.
   If we are able to handle this face to face, I would want to give you many hugs for the last moments. I am sorry and thank you so much for everything. *hugs* 
p.s. Later when you are back from your activities, if you need to chat with me, I’ll be there. Just drop me a msg. If possible, I would like to know how you think and feel as well.
With love,
oneway,
Woan Wei.

So, it is time to let go.
I am now on another level of life. This is a new start of another chapter in life.
I am taking a step to unknown places. Hoping to find more happiness, be more true to myself and achieve my every dream and goal in life.

On the other hand, he seems strong with it. I am glad that he’s able to handle this positively. He’s truly a remarkable person.

Thank you for loving me. I hope and pray that you may be happy and have a greater life. May you continue to strive for your goals and dreams, and achieve all of them.

Here’s a song for you…
Thank you for loving me by BonJovi.
  

thank you for loving me songs
free Music downloads | Free Mp3 downloads!

Quest:-

Why am I feeling this way?

Is it that the string is getting longer? Where each ends are getting further apart?

There are so many doubts.

I truly want to hold on  as much as I could.

The longer I hold on to, the more I lost the sense of purpose.

Wondering, whether we are still interweaving on each other's path.

 

Thinking back, the precious moments of the past.

However, past and present and future seemed like the sand and the sea water.

The sand and water are apart of the sea.

When they are mixed and shaked up, a beautiful complex pattern will be formed.

And the dispositions of the sand and water will always be different than before.

However, when things calmed, they both will be back in their own state.

The sand will be resting on the seabed, while the water is still flowing and moving forward.

There's a treshold between the solid and the liquid; or higher and lower density form.

Although the time lines are like heaven and earth, it is up to us to how we handle the flow of the present.

Here, I am questioning myself and my present feelings.

What are these waves of feelings?

So seasonal.

Sometimes bright warm and welcoming, sometimes dark cold and terrifying.

  

Truly, what am I to do with these? I do not know.

I believe that I do not belong to myself, so my feelings do not belong to me either.

I will just let it be.

No matter how hostile these feelings are, I will just let it be.

Always look on the bright side, the beauties of these wonders are brilliant.

Without the bad ones, we can't appreciate the good ones.

--Bad and good are just labels. In truth, their difference are whether they are favourable in our own point of view.--

 

Anyway, I am giving myself a few months time to truly unveil how I feel and what do I really want.

Same goes for the other side as well.

Hope that the other side will take the opportunity understand his desires and dreams too.

Hope that everything will turn out for the best.

And may each end's future will have happiness, peace and freedom whether it is still woven together or not.

 

We are on a quest of our own.

May this quest helps us find the key to our truest self.

Rest In Peace Grandpa

Wednesday 15th July,
When I was in the middle of work in my mom’s office, I’ve got news from my mom that my grandpa was in a critical condition. So, we rushed back home. My mom thought of going back to taiping alone with my auntie. However, news came that he left 1 day life. The doctor said that something had caused his blood contaminated and weakened/damaged his main organs in the body. So, the whole family went to taiping. Except for my grandma, she’s physically weak to handle the shock. We reached there about 7 or 8 evening. We were allowed to enter and visit him in the ICU one person at a time. When it was my turn, as I was standing by his bed side, I have no idea why, tears began to well up my eyes. He was already in coma. As if he was in a deep sleep.

Thursday 16th July,
After our breakfast, we went and visited him. I held his hand. I felt his hand’s muscle reacted, as if he was holding mine. His closed eyes moved a little at the same time. Somewhat, I felt that he knew my presence.
At noon, the doctor asked whether to take the risk for surgery or wait for his death. So, the elders in my family decided to take on the risk eventhough it just less than 10% chance.
The surgery was successful. The cause of the problem has been removed. He was saved but there’s still need to wait to overcome the critical time.
Everyone was happy and glad. However, this temporary relief had lead to further disappointment.

Friday 17th July,
After breakfast, we’ve received call from the hospital that the whole family needs to be there. The doctor said that his heart was getting weaker and anytime(less than 1 day) he can pass on. About 1.25pm he passed. My aunties told us that before he passed, they told him that he can peacefully move on and they will take care of my grandmother well. That’s when around that time he had passed.
Some were left behind to take care of hospital business and some went off to prepare for funeral procedures and ceremonies, newspaper publishes, tomb, etc.
I was one of those that stayed behind. We followed my deceased grandpa to the mortuary and then to my uncle’s home for funeral.
About evening, my grandma arrived. Initially, she looked calm. But as she was asked to see the deceased, she broke down to tears. It was a heart aching sight. All her children including my mother were crying and embracing her. Step by step she moved towards to coffin. At one point, before she reached the coffin, she was so scared that she dared not move towards it. Eventually, she came face to face with the deceased. Everyone was in tears. Truly a grieving scene. 
Later on, everyone calmed down and continue the funeral ceremonies. The ceremony will be held for 3days 2nights.

Saturday 18th July,
The ceremony continues. Many people were lack of sleep and looked tired.

Sunday 19th July,
The day of entombment. 
Everyone went and sent him off, except for grandma; she’s too weak to go.
The deceased will be having fire burial.
Most of us went back (KL) on the same day, including me. But I had to stay at grandma’s house for the night due to transportation convenience.
My mom and uncle stayed back to collect the deceased’s ash and handled a few minor funeral procedures the next day.

Monday 20th July,
My mom came and picked me up from grandma’s place, then sent my uncle back to Singapore.
Reached home about 9.30pm.


I’ve learnt a lot from this experience. Everything has a purpose in this life. I’ve gained many respects for the elders through this experience; I’ve learnt about funeral ceremonies; Learnt about letting go; Learnt about being true to one-self; Learnt about strength to move on; Learnt about religion and spiritual strength; and many more.

May my grandfather rest in peace.

Moments of reflection

Recently, I've been feeling low self-esteem. In reflection of my past mistakes, these made me feel helpless, ashamed, low-confident, misunderstood, lost and lowly.
The usual me, of looking highly upon myself, is non-existence at the moment. Why do I suddenly feel this way?

There are many things that I can blame and justify on. However, I must face the fact that there are many things that I've done wrong. Events like hurting others, embarrassing moments, and shameful behaviors of the past are haunting me bit by bit as I am less occupy in my life. Those acts that I had unintentionally put upon others and myself made me feel regretful. I admit that my character is dominated by my emotions. After what has already done, I only realised what I should have not.

Honestly, I totally hated being judge and compare that it has resulted me to react unfavourably, which lead to my past mistakes. I thought that if I build up the wall from wanting people's acceptance and be colder that I would be free from being hurt. That’s why I am always being called the loner. But now, looking at myself, I've hurt others at the same time I've hurt myself even more. If I were to break this cold wall, it will be too overwhelming. Will I be able to handle it?

In perspective, I always behave differently in front of my mom, my family and friends. Whenever I am around my lover and friends, I am being someone that I like - I am not saying that those are not who I am, just that that environment helped me to behave favourably. On the other hand, my family, I always felt like I am being judged and compared. That frustrated me a lot. How do I show who I really am? How do I be my natural self? I was not happy in this environment. It made me felt like I am not part of the family, eventhough it is called family by blood-relation. In fact, I would feel more like a family with my friends. They just accept who and what I really am. I felt the unconditional love and acceptance from my close friends instead the blood-related ones, except for my mom only. Is it wrong for wanting to be accepted?

But in truth, I know that those perspectives are bias. I am also at fault. Why am I so sensitive? Why am I so desperate for acceptance? Why can't I be more open minded? Why can't I react in a more favourable way when things aren't in my way? I thought that I was optimistic enough, but this part of me was not. I thought I was open minded enough, but this part of me was not. This side of me has not met up to my own expectations. In the past, I've always look up to people's expectations and I was always their favaourite. I came to realise how unhappy I was. Instead, I've built up my own expectations to fulfill. I want to satisfy myself instead of satisfying others. Unbelievably, I am happier when I am chasing after my own odds than others. What should I do now to be considered as doing the right things? The answer is to be unveiled by myself along the journey of my life, and not by others for me to know.

In resolute to all my past mistakes, I truly would like to change myself, learn from my mistakes and be a better person. I've been trying to be a better person and learn from my mistakes since I was about 13 years old. However, now, I've realised I have not been doing my best. I thought that I am honest enough, but I was not honest to myself. I have been in self-denial and was not able to see myself in full perspective. I was not what I thought I was. It hurts me so much at how the family members view me as. The personalities and characteristics that I am not and wish not to show are right in front of their eyes. What more can I do? For things to change, first I must change.

 

 
So, now, I would like to humbly place myself anew. I would like to change into a better person. Hope that I have the patience and the endurance to go through this metamorphosis and come out as a better and more beautiful person in the heart. I am ready to face this challenge. 'Am going to break the cold wall in my heart and be warm to my family again when the time is ripe. What are my plans for achieving this desire?

My first step, I am learning to forgive my father. Second, learn to respect my elders more. Third, have better control over my emotions. Learn to be a better listener. Be less offensive and defensive. Smile more to them. Think before act. Etc.

I am going to devote myself to this and will do my best. I will learn to love myself and others more.

 

 

 

21st Birthday~

My birthday on Sunday turn out to be quite good. 

I've received many greetings through sms and facebook. Really happy that there are many caring and supportive friends out there. Really appreciate them.

Let me just describe how I celebrated that day..

Woke up, bathed, etc. It was quiet irksome for me to choose my outfit that day. I had to wear a hat to over some bruised features on my face. So, it took me quite long to match and choose the right outfit. Overall, a hat, a blue shirt, a knee lenght pants and boots. Everyone said I looked like some artist. LOL.

The whole day events consisted of just my mom, my sis and me.

First we headed to my grandma's place to fetch my little cousin back.

Then we went to Sunway Piramid to shop. My mom got me a 2-in-1 Romp jacket which looks awesomely cool. My sis got me a white belt. Other than that, the whole day for me was just window shop. Staring at my mom and sis shopping. If you know me well, I'm not girly enough - don't know how to shop. My sis is totally feminine type. Every single cosmetic shop we passed by, she would enter and have a look. =o="

We went to watch movies after our dinner. My mom and sis went to watch Night in the Museum 2 and me went solo for Angels and Demons. My sis happened to watch it at NZ already. So they are watching different movie than mine.

After the movies, they did a few more shopping and we headed back home.

That's how we spent the day.

Anyway, I did enjoy myself the whole day. While I was in public, there were quite a number of people stare at me. Maybe stare at my bruised face or at my nice outfit. =P

Hahaha....

That's all. ^_^

fatherless

Regarding the title above. Do not misunderstand that I do not have a father. My biological father is still here. This is about my heart. Not having a true father in my heart. 

Just a warning to those out there who have a complete family or those that might disagree with me, you might not be able to understand my situation. So, hopefully that you can less judgemental on me and my point of view if you really want to continue and read. Otherwise, just don't emerge yourself into my negativity. Anyway, this is a ranting post. You are warned.

Actually, the argument started over petty things. Well, here goes the story..

This morning, I heard my sister gossiping to that old man about one of my cousin. I was so disgusted at how they speak about my cousin. So, I told them off - not to gossip. Maybe the way I expressed myself was very not well-mannered. So, I end up getting scolded by that old man. I also got heated myself. So Iretreat to my room to cool off my head. However, that old man wanted to talk to me. I told him that I don't want, I want to cool myself down. He still insisted. Fine. I let him in and let him talk while I continued to mind my own business.

You might think that I'm finding my own fault here, but try and imagine if you are at an emotional state, can anything that is against your idea enter your head? For me, none at all. Obviously, he got angry. I also began to fight back his words. I was at an emotional state - can't remember what I had said. He began to slap me. My spectacle flew off far away - luckily I manage to repair my spectacle by myself. He still continue to slap me. At one point, his and was holding my neck as if wanted to strangle me. Fortunately, he did not. From that point, I have already resolved that I no longer have a father.

Since young, my mom was the one that had to struggle and raise me and my sis. That old man's role was so insignificant compared to my mother's. She's like having the role of a mother and a father at the same time at her shoulder.

Other than that, when I was young, I have been emotionally abused by that old man many times. He did hit me. However, this time was the worst.

Physically: My face has swollen, lips with internal bleeding(1part of it is blood-red), gum-aching, jaw-bone and neck muscle pain. 

Emotionally: Disappointment, resentment, anger, sadness, etc. It's very hard to describe how I feel.

Ironically, tomorrow's is a Father's Day. Fatherless aye~

Comically, I told myself that I would not be a pretty birthday girl tomorrow. I am turning 21 on the 21st of June. Sigh.. I was really looking forward to my birthday. I have imagined being my good-self with positive image and go out to enjoy myself. I wonder whether it is still possible.

I think that's all for my rantings. Thanks for listening and having a non-judgemental attitude over this matter.

 

No worries. I will survive through. I know that I am tougher than I look.

ps. pardon my grammer. I'm not in the mood to check them.

Bored & Random

Currently bored.....

 

So, I decided to kill some time through blogging.

Oh yeah! 

Currently, I'm aiming for this phone, Nokia 5800.

Hope that I can get it before the summer ends. *pray hard* >u<

  

 

So here are some random stuf that I've found on the internet(pics) and made up.

Enjoy~~~

 

 

When you got pwned/owned.. this is how you might look like:=-

 

Hmmm...

It's holiday...

However, we should always try to revise what we've learnt over the last semester and enjoy the holiday at the same time.

 

If you ask me what kind of super power I would wish for..

The power to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!

How should this power work?

For example..

 

One of my favourite past time is to look at the mirror.

I just can't stop enjoy looking myself at the mirror.

Why??

I'm too awesome!!

 

What are you laughing at??

Narcisism is not a crime kay!

  

I know.. I know..

I still look cute even when I'm angry. xD

 

Yesh.. as cute as this!

I'm cute and awesome!!

@o@

 

Okay..

Fine......

No more joke.

I know my jokes are too cold.

Sorry..

T_T

 

 

That's all for now.

Happy summer!!

 

My Summer Plan Review

 

The below is my checklist for the summer.

However, it seemed that my scanner was malfunctioning.

So I ended up using my mom's phone to take this picture. (my phone spoiled)

On the other hand, the blur image may be a good thing. To protect my privacy. ^_^

Anyway, hope that by end of this summer, I'll be able to complete most of what I have intended to do.

 

 

All the best to me~

Enjoy your summer!

Year 1 just flew off...

 

In a blink of an eye, time just flew by, Year1 has gone.

 

Summer has arrived.

 

It still feels like yesterday on the first day of uni. 

I have learnt tons of things. Those are such as knowledge of course, skills, critical thinking, dota, and most importantly friendship.

I have manage to find myself quite a number of people that I can consider them as friends. Fortunately to say, the numbers are more than a handfull.

So, here, let me list those that I've manage to come to trust and be comfortable with as friends.

 

Wen Shan - the friend I trust most in uni.

Lian Hing - another trusted friend.

Ko Wei - my pet brother

Jon Ngau - my another pet brother

Benjamin - funny fellow =P

Sarah 

WenShin

hmm...many more. =D

 

I am really glad that my circle of friendsip has grown bigger over the years. Apart from these uni friends, I am really thankful for the supports from my Assunta friends, A-level friends, Sha Zhu and parents.

 

I pray that everyone is blessed with happiness, peacefulness and wholesomeness(if there is such word).

 

Next update will be revealling my plan for the summer. Stay tune~

Deng deng deng..

7th April I suspected that I got dengue... that night was still enjoying the Talent Quest Event. My whole body was covered with many red dots(like rashes). I tried calling my mom..she didnt pick up. Most probably she's sleeping. Didnt dare to bother sha zhu coz he got exam.

8th April.. right after progress test(didnt do well).. my friend(Ben) bring me to the town to see doc. Took some blood samples and got some med. Total: RM85. T.T" Need to borrow money from fren(Rick) coz pook-kai edi. While waiting for my blood test results.. I followed all the dota-kakis go cc play. Got pawned like no problem. Then when got my blood test result..platlet count drop like no problem also. Doctor said I need to do dripping at the clinic for a few hours or admit to hospital. So in the end, decided to admit into hospital. Initially was very exicited to enter hospital. My 1st time gona stay at hospital mah. =P Went SunwayHospital..room all full, called SJMC also full, Assunta also full, in the end, end up at Bangsar Pantai Hospital. So, that night stay at hospital. Water drip..not nice.. T_T Other than that, the service was alright. I was like a queen. Being fed and sleep and watch TV all on the bed. LOL. ^o^ 11th morning, my platlet count finally increase abit. So doc decided to let me go. But actually the platlet count was still quite low(lower than nomal ppl). Well, I was still dengue negative and still cannot find out the cause of the sickness. Anyway, I got sick of the hospital. Kept getting needles poking me everyday. Need to draw blood sample twice a day. Plus.. my veins were swollen and had to change different positions for dripping(3times!). Imagine that a needle about 5cm long enters your skin and lay parallel to your bone for a few days! And everytime you go toilet or move your hand too much... blood will be coming out instead(as in enters the water drip pipe instead of the water enters my vein). @o@" When I finally got out from the hospital, I was so glad. T_T"

However, I still had many pressure. Need to study, lab reports, mini projects, etc. In addiditon to that, I was supposed to be mc for that week. But i just cant spare away my time. too many things need to be done. Then, got 1 time, suddenly was so low-blood pressure to the point that I cant even walk. Moreover, I was still at uni that time. I tried contacting alot of people. Finally someone(Lian Hing) replied..I was so glad that i was in the verge of tears. Then, Wenshan came to fetch me to dinner and back home. Haiz..this shows how fragile I was. Anyway, after many suffering and resting, I am now back to normal. But still need to look after my health. My mommy has been stuffing me with lotza good food and pills. Haha.. =P

Anyway, I would like to thanks those that had supported me mentally and physically during this hard time. Thank you mommy, papa, sha zhu, wenshan, lian hing, benjamin, jon, rick, marcus chee, feichai(liau) and the dota kakis(kowei, ahchan, shim, kok boon, sisiang & andrew). Thanks a million! ^_^

p.s. Please ignore my broken english. Lazy to think.. coz need to think too much for the coming exam edi. ^^"

Aiya..

Just dropping by to inform....

Din't managed to get through the semi-final for my uni's singing competition.
Got the news 5days ago. ^^"

For the past few days didn't have much inspiration to do anything.
Have been searching a way to boost my spirit.. wanted to go climb mountain, shout, scream, dance, sing..... anything that can pour out my negative thoughts out.

Today, my spirit seems to be rising bit by bit.
Yokata~

Peekaboo..

I know.. i know..

I have not been updating for some time again. ^^"

I've been really busy and all. Actually, I'm quite busy now. Suppose to do lab report now. But things are just getting too stressful. So I decided to just drop in and express my thoughts.

There are too many things to tell in details.

In summary, about 2months ago my room got break-in. Then lotz of assignments and reports need to handle. Then need to build calculator(mini project. Yessh.. believe it or not.. cool ler? =D).

Other than that, I ended up joining talent quest in uni(something like american idol). Actually I wasn't planning to join. Somehow something is calling me to join. Most probably it is my little dream of becoming a superstar someday. =P I made it through the audition and got into semifinal. Now still waiting for the results whether I'm in for the final or not. ^^" All the best to me. Well, this is the best chance for me to test out my skill on how good am I. Maybe I have the potential to go into the entertainment industry. ^o^" (just kidding.. )

Anyway, just ignore my grammatical errors. I don't have the time to check and correct my english here and now.

hmmm... What more do I need to add...?

Oh ya...

I've managed to make more friends this semester too. =D Managed to find a few friends that I can trust as well. And I'm still looking forward to make more friends and good ones too.

Lastly, I miss my Assunta friends [esp. Yin Khuan, Zie Wei, Alin, June Lau(had to ad ur surname.. u know la.. i'm also June ma), Jessica, Sou Leng, ..], A-level friends [Sha zhu, hor-chan, CL, professor K.O, the Heng, ..] and my friends over here as well. And my Mom as well (love her).

Hehe.. this semester I can say that I feel quite alone. The reason is that I've decided to spend more time for studies. So there are many things I have to sacrifice. Well, I've set my mind to achieve my dreams. I will persevere through~

That's all readers.

All the best to me!

My New Year Resolution(2009)

Finally an update!

here goes..

1. Be more hardworking in studies and housework

2. Be more active in sports

                            

3. Better control over my emotions

4. Make more friends

              

5. Smile more

6. Read more books

                                

7. Have a more peaceful mind

8. Appreciate more things

9. Be more loving

  

10. Go camping

All the best to me~