Recently, I've been feeling low self-esteem. In reflection of my past mistakes, these made me feel helpless, ashamed, low-confident, misunderstood, lost and lowly.
The usual me, of looking highly upon myself, is non-existence at the moment. Why do I suddenly feel this way?
There are many things that I can blame and justify on. However, I must face the fact that there are many things that I've done wrong. Events like hurting others, embarrassing moments, and shameful behaviors of the past are haunting me bit by bit as I am less occupy in my life. Those acts that I had unintentionally put upon others and myself made me feel regretful. I admit that my character is dominated by my emotions. After what has already done, I only realised what I should have not.
Honestly, I totally hated being judge and compare that it has resulted me to react unfavourably, which lead to my past mistakes. I thought that if I build up the wall from wanting people's acceptance and be colder that I would be free from being hurt. That’s why I am always being called the loner. But now, looking at myself, I've hurt others at the same time I've hurt myself even more. If I were to break this cold wall, it will be too overwhelming. Will I be able to handle it?
In perspective, I always behave differently in front of my mom, my family and friends. Whenever I am around my lover and friends, I am being someone that I like - I am not saying that those are not who I am, just that that environment helped me to behave favourably. On the other hand, my family, I always felt like I am being judged and compared. That frustrated me a lot. How do I show who I really am? How do I be my natural self? I was not happy in this environment. It made me felt like I am not part of the family, eventhough it is called family by blood-relation. In fact, I would feel more like a family with my friends. They just accept who and what I really am. I felt the unconditional love and acceptance from my close friends instead the blood-related ones, except for my mom only. Is it wrong for wanting to be accepted?
But in truth, I know that those perspectives are bias. I am also at fault. Why am I so sensitive? Why am I so desperate for acceptance? Why can't I be more open minded? Why can't I react in a more favourable way when things aren't in my way? I thought that I was optimistic enough, but this part of me was not. I thought I was open minded enough, but this part of me was not. This side of me has not met up to my own expectations. In the past, I've always look up to people's expectations and I was always their favaourite. I came to realise how unhappy I was. Instead, I've built up my own expectations to fulfill. I want to satisfy myself instead of satisfying others. Unbelievably, I am happier when I am chasing after my own odds than others. What should I do now to be considered as doing the right things? The answer is to be unveiled by myself along the journey of my life, and not by others for me to know.
In resolute to all my past mistakes, I truly would like to change myself, learn from my mistakes and be a better person. I've been trying to be a better person and learn from my mistakes since I was about 13 years old. However, now, I've realised I have not been doing my best. I thought that I am honest enough, but I was not honest to myself. I have been in self-denial and was not able to see myself in full perspective. I was not what I thought I was. It hurts me so much at how the family members view me as. The personalities and characteristics that I am not and wish not to show are right in front of their eyes. What more can I do? For things to change, first I must change.
So, now, I would like to humbly place myself anew. I would like to change into a better person. Hope that I have the patience and the endurance to go through this metamorphosis and come out as a better and more beautiful person in the heart. I am ready to face this challenge. 'Am going to break the cold wall in my heart and be warm to my family again when the time is ripe. What are my plans for achieving this desire?
My first step, I am learning to forgive my father. Second, learn to respect my elders more. Third, have better control over my emotions. Learn to be a better listener. Be less offensive and defensive. Smile more to them. Think before act. Etc.
I am going to devote myself to this and will do my best. I will learn to love myself and others more.
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