Yesterday, 18th May 2008 Sunday, I really enjoyed myself. It was actually the last day when J as my lover. It was when we had finally let go of each other during the end of the day.
Ever since we got back together as a lover at the end of last year until now, we had only made physical contact (as in meet up with each other) for less than a handful of times. During our long distance relationship, he came to KL for 4 times. Mostly the purpose that he came to KL is to do something else; I wasn’t his main purpose that he came.
I thought for a long time now, maybe the efforts that he put in for the relationship was too little compared to what I had done. Maybe in the relationship, when one had made too little efforts will result in loss of feelings. It will make that one wonder the purpose of being in the relationship anymore, which the force of pursuing in this relationship had long forgotten. Or maybe the other one(she) is so easily to be fulfilled that does not require much efforts and that one(he) ended up loss of feelings? Well, whatever it is, nothing is to be blamed. Falling in love does not require reasons, so why must falling out of love require one? Right?
However, a little may his efforts appeared to others(and sometimes myself as well), I think that he has given me more than enough already. Love cannot be measured. I am grateful that he had once given me his love, care, attention, and efforts.
During this almost 6 months time, I had gained, learnt, and enjoyed myself a lot from him. We struggled through quite a number of obstacles together for the relationship. When I was facing difficulties with my own self-security or confidence, he would patiently bare with me and listen to what I have to say. He would listen to my rants and complaints without any judgement. However, he is still a human; he may lose his patient and needed time out for himself. I was always glad that he was often willing to listen and I would be more than willing to let him have his own time alone when he needed it. His time alone would sometimes last for a few days without contacting me. Though I may missed him a lot and hoped that he would bounce back from his time-alone sooner to me, I would patiently wait for his return. Whenever he returns back to me warmly, everything will turn out fine to me again. The pain of missing him will fade, forgotten and forgiven.
The obstacles for long-distance is more tough than close-distance relationship may be true to a certain extent, but long distance was never a factor for me. There are still many things can be done. For instance, we had played games online. Although playing games cannot do any good to bring a relationship closer, it can help me to feel that he was giving me the attention and sense of participation in my life. It somewhat helped me to feel his presence that he was with me; letting me know that he was there for me. Sometimes, he would webcam and let me see him, which helped me to cure my sense of loneliness and let me participate on a little part of his life. Even though the webcam only last for a few hours, that had already satisfied for being allowed to share his time. Just a few months back where he made an online radio channel of his own, sometimes listening on what he plays on that channel helped me to know what he’s into at that moment. It makes my heart flow happily and felt his presence. Once in a while too, he would call me on the msn to let me hear him play his guitar. When I missed him too much and wanted to listen to his voice, he would call me once in a while to let me feel better. Maybe these efforts may seem nothing much to him and maybe don’t require much efforts, but to me, these little things that he had done for me had cheered me a lot. I truly cherished all the things he had done and given me until now. Many people knew his personalities that he would hardly give too much effort for others. Whenever he did more than he would usually do and I was the lucky one to receive those efforts, he had already assured me that I was in his heart.
When it comes to the time we meet up, he would hold my hands and let me felt protected by him. During last year’s Christmas, he gave me a pig-doll. It is a gift that I cherish most from him until now. I would hug it every night in my sleep. Even now we are no longer together, I would still hug it. It helped me think of those times when we are friends and he would be there for me during my hard times. Whenever he treated me coldly, I would think of our times as friends. It would help me forgive and forget all the bad treatments which I think that I did not deserved to be treated.
In general, when people got involved in relationships, expectations will naturally rise. I know that when we expect the people we love to behave and act in a certain way, we are already taking that person for granted. I do not want to take him for granted and I do not want him to take me for granted too. Taking each other for granted will only increase disappointments. So, whenever I was aware that I was taking him for granted, I would do my best to have no expectations. This had helped me to appreciate the small efforts that he had made for me rather than to expect some big things from him. Appreciating his efforts is one of the things that I can give in a long distance relationship.
As some of you might have read before my past post on my story with him (click here to review back), during my most down times, he was there for me. Thus, that had made him one of the most important people in my life. He is not just a lover; he is a very good friend. I would strongly hold on to this friendship.
However, as time past and we hardly meet, many feelings between us started to fade. He was into his own life and I would not want to bother him much. Then, my feelings of insecurity rise again. I told him how I felt, but he was not as accepting as before. Maybe that I had approached him at the wrong timing, or maybe he just got feed-up with my lack of self-assurance. He reacted to me harshly. I did not know what to do. All that I can do was to leave him alone and let him have his own time until he bounce back to me again. During those waiting periods, sometimes I would feel like giving up and sometimes I would just want to persevere through. Once I asked him “Is this the end?” That time he was in a bad mood still and did not answer me. After 1 week of ignoring me, he messaged me and apologised. He also replied my question: “sincerely no.” I was really glad that he still cared about this relationship. However, I wanted him to “pujuk” me more, and I ended up making him angry again. He ignored me for another week. When we are finally on talking terms, things seems to be colder. We had lesser things to talk. There was a barrier formed between us that kept us away from fully reaching out to each other. During those 2 weeks of cold-treatment, we both felt like we are living as a single again. That time, I really felt like we were totally out of each other’s life. After all this cold treatment period, I really did my best on trying to be warmer, but the barrier that I felt between us is so hard to break through. It was so hard to do it alone most of the time. I can sense that he was making the efforts, but it was not much and in vain. Everyday, I was hoping that cold-wall would melt away soon.
However, the coldness was still there after weeks. My instincts told me that he was almost out of love. On last Tuesday night, his reply was so cold that it hurts me a lot. I knew that that moment has no more turning back and his lost feelings can not be recovered anymore. After I offline, I called him on the phone to tell him how I felt. That time he was in no mood for chatting on the phone, so I did all the talking. In the end, I pointed out that he had fallen out of love. He agreed and admitted. I was glad that he was being honest to me. He was not able to tell me because he does not know how. I was glad that he still cares about how I felt and that stops him from saying harmful words to me. I was glad that I was the one that pointed out so that I will not be hurt by him. I was glad that I had seen this coming and prepared to face it. After I expressed out everything and said everything that I want to say at that time, things became warmer between us. At that moment, we had unofficially let go of each other. Although I lost a lover, I felt that I’ve gained a very good friend. It was so much easier and warmer to commute as friends. That night, it was probably the longest time that I can remember of us chatting on the phone. We chatted for almost 3 hours (approx 1-4a.m).
After we hung up on the phone, I was really very tired. However, there were so many things that kept on running in my head. I could not sleep. I was awake for almost 40 hours before my body finally gave in. During these few nights, I had not got enough sleep. I kept waking up from dreams, dreams about him. However, every time I thought of him, I would keep telling myself to stay strong and calm. And I felt that I did well on that. I also thought of happy moments of us which cheered me up.
On Thursday (15th May), he was coming to KL to play with Hor and CL. I joined them on Saturday and Sunday.
On Saturday, we did not talk much with each others but I really enjoy myself a lot with the whole gang. We ate Manhattan, watched Narnia, looked at toys and walked back to Hor’s house from Pyramid. It was really fun. Although I felt a little sad that he was cold towards me almost the whole day, my heart was not as painful as last time from being like this anymore. Later, after we had dinner and before I headed back home, he was willing to accompany and chat with me for awhile. I was glad and thankful that we were able to talk. It felt so much warmer between us compared during day time. We both agreed to create one last happy memory as a lover or as friend before our official ending tomorrow. He gave me lots of hugs and I held his hands for awhile. I felt thankful for this because this night also became one of the happy memories of us to me.
On Sunday, that was yesterday, Hor, CL, J and I went to Sg. Wang. J and I were more warm to each other than yesterday. When we got down from the bus in KL Sentral, he let me held his hands and said to protect me for one last day. I was really glad and happy. When reached Imbi, he held out his hands to hold mine again. We all went to the guitar store for J-kun to buy his “ownage” picks and play and try guitar for free. Then, went to Pavillion to look at toys, Sg. Wang Plaza to look at mangas and toys, Low Yat Plaza for J to buy his external hard-disk, and Times Square to look at toys again. During those toys-sight-seeing times, I also kind of decided not to buy Lego. So, currently I do not know what to do with my wealth yet. (Haha ^_^) Anyway, after Times Square, we all headed back to Sunway. On the journey back, J was always by my side. When we all reached Pyramid, we all went to Kim Gary for dinner. (Nice food!) Later, while waiting for Hor to buy his lip-balm, we were waiting at one corner in the Pyramid. J and CL squatted down but I can not squat as I was wearing skirt. Then J took my hand and leaned while I was standing beside him. I was really glad and can sense that J still had feelings for me. When we were back to Hor’s house, we kind of spend the last few hours together. I gave him a last back-massage, he gave me hugs, and we just enjoyed our every last moment together. Although I was really happy and glad that we had such wonderful times together, my tears kept flowing down during the last moments. Lastly, one of the last messages we said before the time to let go, we wished each other’s future well.
All well, the ends well. This was the ending that I had hoped and achieved. I mean, not that I wanted us to end; I hoped for ever-lasting love, but since we were to end the relationship, I wanted us to be happy in the end. We started out face-to-face, we should end it face-to-face. We started out through mutual-agreement, we should end through mutual-agreement. Although we still have feelings for each other, we knew that it was time to let go. Like J said, "..let’s give each other more chances, we are still young…” I am glad that we break up face-to-face and through mutual agreement rather than one dumping another. I think this is truly a peaceful ending for this chapter of my life.
So, we are both on separate ways in our life now. However, he will always remain as a very good friend in my heart. He will still be one of the most important people in my life. I had no regrets for the entire things that I had done and went through with him. I have no regrets that he ever came into my life. I did all my best for him and the relationship. I am happy that when he had still loved me, he was sincere all the way. It was a genuine love.
Justin, for the last time, I want to tell you that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
From now on, I will focus on other things in my life and not think about this anymore. Thank you so much for your love, care, attention, emotional supports and efforts for me. I can never thank you enough for this.
And I know that you felt you have not done enough and you felt sorry. If you still do feel like this, here’s some message that I can say:-
Forgiveness
Nobody’s perfect, I forgive you for being imperfect. What you did was wrong. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you treated me. What you did was wrong and I forgive you. I forgive you for not being perfect. I forgive you for not giving me the respect that I deserve. I forgive you for not knowing better. I wish for you the decency and respect that every human being deserves. I forgive you for making a mistake.
(J, these have been the words that I had always told myself every time I felt hurt and wanted to let go of anger. And these had helped me persevered through this relationship until last night.)
Why do I take you as my very important and good friend?
When I was sad.....you dried my tears.
When I was scared.....you will comfort my fears.
When I was worried.....you will give me hope.
When I was confused.....you will help me cope.
And when I was lost....and can't see the light, you became my light...shining ever so bright.
All this happened when I was in college facing my hard times and you were there. I was always looking forward to meet you. That time I never thought we would ever get involve again, and I had only hoped for your company which brings many sense of comforts.
This is why I cherish you so much as a friend, my important friend.
Now, as a friend, as my very good friend, I will tell myself those words of forgiveness again if ever u wronged me. And to all my other friends out there too, I will do the same. Although sometimes it may be hard, at least I tried and will have no regrets. Let’s forgive each other’s mistakes and live a happier life. J, if ever I did anything that hurt you, please forgive me too.
Here is another link to one of my past posts. Pictures that I had dreamt of and drew out. May this someday became a reality as friends.
I wish you well.
So, now, people, what is love? I mean as in romance kind of love.
Love starts from friendships.
Love is forgiveness.
Love is accepting whatever good and bad things of that person.
Love is non-judgemental.
Love is patience.
Love is kind.
Love is not taking each other for granted.
Love is care.
Love is trust.
Love can be proved through efforts (no matter the size of the efforts).
Most importantly, love must be felt from the heart.
However, when we love, we will have fears sometimes. And fears are not love. It is a sense of insecurity. Such as jealousy, it is the fear of losing someone. It is the fear that we might not be enough for the person we love. If we are angry at someone, it is the fear that we might not get the respect and treatment that we deserve. And, if we are disappointed, it is the fear that we had expected too much and losing hope.
When there is presence of love, fears will fade. People will learn to forgive. People will learn to care more, expect less, and appreciate more. Etc etc…
There’s no ending to the meaning of love. So, my little brief definitions of love may be agreed and disagreed by different people. Feel free to drop your own thoughts on the matter of love in the comment(s) below.
I think that’s all that I can think of and type out at the moment.
Thank you for reading.
The next post, there might be about friends that I cherish in my life, since childhood until now. Stay tune~
Sniper 
