~The More He Cares, The More She Trusts~

The Little Story of Us.

When I first met him, it was during our orientation day. A few weeks before college started, one of my friends (Jesmond) mentioned that one of his hometown friends was going to attend the same college as I did. Then I realised that he was the person my friend mentioned. My first impression towards him was: “ah-beng”. Moreover during that time I was already involved with someone else, so I hardly noticed any other male person even though I was mostly surrounded by male friends.

After I broke off with my ex (and later came out from my depression period), I began to mix around with more people. During that time I came to know him a little bit better. I always called him Justin di-di (little brother) and I really treated him like my little brother. Then I took up guitar lesson from him (I started calling him J-sensei instead). Since then, I began to actually notice him bit by bit. During lessons, he really impressed me a lot with his guitar skills. I really admired his confidence in playing the guitar. Also, during moral studies, sitting with him would be really fun. He cheered me up a lot ‘coz I would feel down due to depression sometimes. Eventually, I realised that my feelings for him began to grow. I began to think of him more, day by day. At first, I thought that these feelings I had for him might have just been a rebound (resulting from the break-up). However, as time passed, I knew that it was a sincere feeling.

Ever since I started to have a crush on him, I did my best to hide these feelings. I had absolutely no intention in getting involved with anyone at that moment.

Other than teaching me how to play the guitar, he also helped me out here and there in my studies. I really felt comforted and supported when he was around to help me out since I was struggling in my studies. The feelings I had for him began to grow stronger. People around us started to notice that we hang out more together as I’m learning the guitar and getting help in studies from him. People started teasing us, I was uncomfortable with it, but he was not affected by the teasing at all. He was still there to help me whenever I needed his help.

Sometimes, when it rained and I couldn’t get back to my car to go home, he would walk me back to my car with his umbrella. I really felt that he’s someone that I can really rely on.

As I got to know him more, I noticed more of his good and bad points. His good points that I noticed at that time were responsible, reliable, honest, smart, hardworking, (sometimes he can be quite) caring, cool, have quite a good-taste and is actually quite good-looking. His bad points would be being cold, stingy, selfish, stubborn, having an I-don’t-care attitude, picky and proud. Well, his bad point were more noticeable then his good ones, actually. Sometimes I was quite turned off by these bad points. However, as I got to know him even better, I began to accept who he really is, and his good points became stronger and stronger in my mind. I just like the way he is, no matter how bad or good he is.

During our AAA Night, I felt that somehow we became warmer towards each other. I really had a great time that night partly because he kind of made my day. I felt that our eyes met and clicked when he accompanied me back to my car. After that day, the way he approached me seemed different, much warmer.

During the semester break, I had to go for my backbone surgery. Somehow he became more caring and we never failed to message each other every night. I was really happy and grew deeply in love with him. It was because of my operation that helped him realised how much he cared and liked me (This part I was informed just recently). That’s how it made him approach me more and we grew closer from there.

When the semester break was over, we met back at college, but we somehow began to feel awkward facing each other. During the break, we never met. We just communicated through phone and msn, and flirted quite a lot. So I thought to break the ice and go out to have lunch when classes ended. However, we were still very awkward in each other’s presence. That was my 1^st time seeing him looking so scared (does not seem like his usual “cool” self). Luckily, Brother Ian was there to help us warm up with each other a bit. After lunch, I went to MPH (a bookstore) to buy some books. He somewhat got the courage to talk to me and apologised for his “weird behaviour”. Later, he asked me to follow him. He said he wanted to show me something. I had no idea what it was and just followed him. When we reached the Dictionary Section, he pulled out a dictionary. I grew suspicious but did not expect anything. Then he showed me one of the pages and pointed at the word “like”. I thought, ‘ …“like”? I’m so blur now.’ Then, he started to point at himself, then at “like”, and then at me. I only realised then what was going on. It was really unexpected. I never thought this would happen so early. I was so shocked, and I don’t know what to say. He repeated the actions for a few times. I was still too shocked to think of anything to say and the 1^st word that popped out of my mouth is “sha-chu” (meaning ‘stupid pig’ in Mandarin). He still didn’t get me, so he kept on repeating those actions a few more times and I kept on saying “sha-chu” a few times. Finally, when I was a bit clear from my shock, I replied “I know”. Then only did stop our silly communication. The next thing I knew, I was walking away and he held my hand. Although, this little confession may seem lame and silly to others, I found it really special. It was very sweet. He was really brave enough to confess to me; face-to-face. Those little gestures really touched me a lot. It made me feel how special and important I was to him. I really missed that moment.
4^th of July was really a special day to me.

However, getting involved during that period was probably bad timing. My previous break-up actually still had a great impact on me. I was very protective of myself. I was afraid to open up to him too much and lost myself again. I thought of letting him know some secrets about my past relationship to let myself to feel more secure. I wanted to be honest right from the beginning in order to let him accept my past before we grew really close. However, this had caused him to feel insecure towards us.

One time, I was going on a vacation with my mother to Bali Island. I would be away from college for about 3days. I left him my little hypo-doll and The Secret book. I hoped that it could accompany him and keep him from thinking bad things bout my past. When I left for Bali, he sent me e-mails everyday to tell me about his day and how he felt. Three e-mails (love letters) in total. I was really touched by how dedicated and how serious he was towards me. My trust for him began to grow more as his care for me grew more.

Also, I needed rest in the car after classes due to the fact that my backbone was still recovering from the operation and treatments. Once in a while, he would sit by my side while I rest. This really made me felt safe to be by his side.

However, time passed but he still he couldn’t get over my past. He wanted a time-out to get a hold of himself. I knew I should have prepared myself for this earlier, but my heart just shattered a little when this happened. Unconsciously, I lost the feeling of trust and security that he had given me. Even though he was always there by my side during the time-out, I had thought that we would never be back together again. My emotions became even more unstable than before and there was also the added pressure of my studies. However, once in a while, I would bring my guitar to have some fun with him. He wouldl be the one using it mostly and play me lots of nice songs to cheer me up. I was really touched. Whenever he played the guitar for me, he always made me feel very special and happy. Once, I remembered, he said that my past relationship was the one that pulled me down; he wants to be the one that pushed me up. I was really touched by it and I really wanted this to come true.

Eventually, the time-out had helped him to get over the past. However, my emotions grew more and more unstable as the pressure of studies grew heavier and I hadn’t quite recovered from the trust and security that I had just lost. I became more demanding, emotionally needy and was always searching for trouble. I knew he was actually pressured by my change in attitude and emotional instability. One day, I realised what kind of a sad person I’d changed into. Overnight, I finally realised that I was ready and wanted to put all my trust and heart into our relationship for him. But on that day, he was already at his limit. He couldn’t go on with the relationship anymore. He had fallen out of love. He dumped me. But I was not surprised that he would actually do that. I had expected it since I’ve realised my mistakes. I accepted it. It was hard to swallow but I just took it in. I didn’t sleep for more then 36hours after that. I was only able to sleep when my brain was completely exhausted enough to think about absolutely nothing.

I was still very weak in studies and I knew I still needed his help in my studies. He was still willing to help me out in studies. When we met at college the first time after the break up, I really didn’t know how to face him. I really wanted to go over to his side and simply lean against his shoulder, but I knew that was no longer possible. However, he was still there to support me studies-wise. Almost everyday he would accompany me in the library to study. Although we were not together, being able to have his support and just be by his side was satisfying enough for me. I became more focused in my studies. I distracted myself from feeling lost and sad by focusing on my studies more than ever.

As the final exams were getting nearer, the pressure was overwhelming. My emotions were also affected. Unconsciously, I had actually hurt some of my friends by saying the wrong things and causing misunderstandings everywhere. It was really quite depressing being pressured by both friends and studies. But he was there for me; he believed in me, he would lend me his shoulder when I needed him. I knew that he still had feelings for me, but I had not dare pursue relationship matters. I already had too much to handle in my own hand. Another incident happened, I said the wrong thing at the wrong time again, and this time he was angry of me. I did not understand why and I kept on trying to reach out to him. Soon I got tired of being like this. I began to let go of the feelings I had for him. I felt so much lighter. After a few days, his anger had subsided and we were on good terms but were actually still quite cold. I did not expect anything, so I just went with the flow.

I focused in my studies more and he still helped me a lot in studies and accompanied me in the library. Almost everyday he would study with me in the library. My focus was so into studies that I hardly thought about relationship matters anymore. Once, he wanted to borrow my hula-hoop to shape-up himself. I jokingly requested for a hug each day as rental for the hula-hoop. He said he would consider it. The day after he borrowed it, he gave me a hug. Almost everyday I got 1 hug. It was truly comforting. After receiving all sorts of stress that I had to carry everyday, it was actually like a small stress-reliever to get that small hug.

Time flew, exams started, and still I persevered through with my studies. One time, the day before Physic Paper4, I had broken down. I’ve lost confidence in my studies. I began to cry silently in the library. He was sitting by my side as I did. It was already late at night; he was still accompanying me studying until this late. I was really thankful for his support. When I felt down and cried, he was there by my side and reminded me that I wasn’t alone. He was even willing to stay up that late with me. Whether it was because he wanted to study for his own sake or just wanted to be there for me at the same time, I really felt grateful for his simple presence.

Finally, my last exam was over. That day, he had promised me that he would play the guitar for me after I’ve finished my exam. I really enjoyed it and had fun. Now that my stress was gone, I was able to think more clearly and deeply about this relationship of ours. There were a few outings with him and the rest of the gang. This time I got to join them as well. During the outing, he took very good care of my safety. I really felt safe and protected.

When we went for the Pangkor Island trip, we grew closer. We both agreed that we wanted to commit to each other again. I was really happy. I was able to let my trust and love for him to flow more freely compared to the past. We knew what we are getting into. Even though this time the relationship is going to be more difficult as it is going to be long distance and our futures are still very uncertain, we are prepared to face it.

Now, we are still together facing obstacles bit-by-bit, step-by-step. May we overcome it one at a time. May our relationship grow stronger and more lovingly everyday.
I really love him a lot.

*Happy Valentine's Day!*