The pain in my heart..

This might be probably the best place for me to write about my feelings since this blog of mine has dulled off and no one would read. This might be a safe place to express myself and maybe i might feel heard and not be judged by people.

It has been less than a month since that I considered about suicide, and this is my third time considering. I feel so worthless, useless and negligible. I tried saying my feelings out but it is so hard to use words to express. I try to let people understand my positions, but people just became more misunderstood about me.

Before yesterday, I did manage to keep a positive mentality for a whole week. I was thrilled at my progress. But over a small event, mostly due to my fault : the sensitive and selfish me, my whole week of effort went to waste.

I really don't want to live like this. I want to live happily. I know that I am blessed enough to have a wonderful comfortable home, people who love and care for me, and mostly get whatever I want. But why am I so easily affected by emotions. And I have so much difficulty expressing myself. There is no outlet for me to pour all the negativities out from my heart.

I did consider a dairy, but I can never trust diary because due to past experience I can never trust a diary anymore. I cannot write, I cannot speak, what can I do to break away from this pain?

I thought that I can slowly pick myself up to be a happy person. I only did manage for one week, I did learn to smile from my heart again. But now, I easily stumble over a small challenge. I used to have such a strong will power, where has this strength of mine has gone?

However, not all hopes are lost. I still have this small bit of strength left to stop me from throwing my life away. It is a lonely journey to fight myself out of this darkness, but I will fight no matter what. I will bring out every bit of fighting spirit left in me to move on.

And with the every bit of strength I mustered, I will do my best to believe that I can become a happy, calm and peaceful person. I will do my best!