Moments of reflection

Recently, I've been feeling low self-esteem. In reflection of my past mistakes, these made me feel helpless, ashamed, low-confident, misunderstood, lost and lowly.
The usual me, of looking highly upon myself, is non-existence at the moment. Why do I suddenly feel this way?

There are many things that I can blame and justify on. However, I must face the fact that there are many things that I've done wrong. Events like hurting others, embarrassing moments, and shameful behaviors of the past are haunting me bit by bit as I am less occupy in my life. Those acts that I had unintentionally put upon others and myself made me feel regretful. I admit that my character is dominated by my emotions. After what has already done, I only realised what I should have not.

Honestly, I totally hated being judge and compare that it has resulted me to react unfavourably, which lead to my past mistakes. I thought that if I build up the wall from wanting people's acceptance and be colder that I would be free from being hurt. That’s why I am always being called the loner. But now, looking at myself, I've hurt others at the same time I've hurt myself even more. If I were to break this cold wall, it will be too overwhelming. Will I be able to handle it?

In perspective, I always behave differently in front of my mom, my family and friends. Whenever I am around my lover and friends, I am being someone that I like - I am not saying that those are not who I am, just that that environment helped me to behave favourably. On the other hand, my family, I always felt like I am being judged and compared. That frustrated me a lot. How do I show who I really am? How do I be my natural self? I was not happy in this environment. It made me felt like I am not part of the family, eventhough it is called family by blood-relation. In fact, I would feel more like a family with my friends. They just accept who and what I really am. I felt the unconditional love and acceptance from my close friends instead the blood-related ones, except for my mom only. Is it wrong for wanting to be accepted?

But in truth, I know that those perspectives are bias. I am also at fault. Why am I so sensitive? Why am I so desperate for acceptance? Why can't I be more open minded? Why can't I react in a more favourable way when things aren't in my way? I thought that I was optimistic enough, but this part of me was not. I thought I was open minded enough, but this part of me was not. This side of me has not met up to my own expectations. In the past, I've always look up to people's expectations and I was always their favaourite. I came to realise how unhappy I was. Instead, I've built up my own expectations to fulfill. I want to satisfy myself instead of satisfying others. Unbelievably, I am happier when I am chasing after my own odds than others. What should I do now to be considered as doing the right things? The answer is to be unveiled by myself along the journey of my life, and not by others for me to know.

In resolute to all my past mistakes, I truly would like to change myself, learn from my mistakes and be a better person. I've been trying to be a better person and learn from my mistakes since I was about 13 years old. However, now, I've realised I have not been doing my best. I thought that I am honest enough, but I was not honest to myself. I have been in self-denial and was not able to see myself in full perspective. I was not what I thought I was. It hurts me so much at how the family members view me as. The personalities and characteristics that I am not and wish not to show are right in front of their eyes. What more can I do? For things to change, first I must change.

 

 
So, now, I would like to humbly place myself anew. I would like to change into a better person. Hope that I have the patience and the endurance to go through this metamorphosis and come out as a better and more beautiful person in the heart. I am ready to face this challenge. 'Am going to break the cold wall in my heart and be warm to my family again when the time is ripe. What are my plans for achieving this desire?

My first step, I am learning to forgive my father. Second, learn to respect my elders more. Third, have better control over my emotions. Learn to be a better listener. Be less offensive and defensive. Smile more to them. Think before act. Etc.

I am going to devote myself to this and will do my best. I will learn to love myself and others more.

 

 

 

21st Birthday~

My birthday on Sunday turn out to be quite good. 

I've received many greetings through sms and facebook. Really happy that there are many caring and supportive friends out there. Really appreciate them.

Let me just describe how I celebrated that day..

Woke up, bathed, etc. It was quiet irksome for me to choose my outfit that day. I had to wear a hat to over some bruised features on my face. So, it took me quite long to match and choose the right outfit. Overall, a hat, a blue shirt, a knee lenght pants and boots. Everyone said I looked like some artist. LOL.

The whole day events consisted of just my mom, my sis and me.

First we headed to my grandma's place to fetch my little cousin back.

Then we went to Sunway Piramid to shop. My mom got me a 2-in-1 Romp jacket which looks awesomely cool. My sis got me a white belt. Other than that, the whole day for me was just window shop. Staring at my mom and sis shopping. If you know me well, I'm not girly enough - don't know how to shop. My sis is totally feminine type. Every single cosmetic shop we passed by, she would enter and have a look. =o="

We went to watch movies after our dinner. My mom and sis went to watch Night in the Museum 2 and me went solo for Angels and Demons. My sis happened to watch it at NZ already. So they are watching different movie than mine.

After the movies, they did a few more shopping and we headed back home.

That's how we spent the day.

Anyway, I did enjoy myself the whole day. While I was in public, there were quite a number of people stare at me. Maybe stare at my bruised face or at my nice outfit. =P

Hahaha....

That's all. ^_^

fatherless

Regarding the title above. Do not misunderstand that I do not have a father. My biological father is still here. This is about my heart. Not having a true father in my heart. 

Just a warning to those out there who have a complete family or those that might disagree with me, you might not be able to understand my situation. So, hopefully that you can less judgemental on me and my point of view if you really want to continue and read. Otherwise, just don't emerge yourself into my negativity. Anyway, this is a ranting post. You are warned.

Actually, the argument started over petty things. Well, here goes the story..

This morning, I heard my sister gossiping to that old man about one of my cousin. I was so disgusted at how they speak about my cousin. So, I told them off - not to gossip. Maybe the way I expressed myself was very not well-mannered. So, I end up getting scolded by that old man. I also got heated myself. So Iretreat to my room to cool off my head. However, that old man wanted to talk to me. I told him that I don't want, I want to cool myself down. He still insisted. Fine. I let him in and let him talk while I continued to mind my own business.

You might think that I'm finding my own fault here, but try and imagine if you are at an emotional state, can anything that is against your idea enter your head? For me, none at all. Obviously, he got angry. I also began to fight back his words. I was at an emotional state - can't remember what I had said. He began to slap me. My spectacle flew off far away - luckily I manage to repair my spectacle by myself. He still continue to slap me. At one point, his and was holding my neck as if wanted to strangle me. Fortunately, he did not. From that point, I have already resolved that I no longer have a father.

Since young, my mom was the one that had to struggle and raise me and my sis. That old man's role was so insignificant compared to my mother's. She's like having the role of a mother and a father at the same time at her shoulder.

Other than that, when I was young, I have been emotionally abused by that old man many times. He did hit me. However, this time was the worst.

Physically: My face has swollen, lips with internal bleeding(1part of it is blood-red), gum-aching, jaw-bone and neck muscle pain. 

Emotionally: Disappointment, resentment, anger, sadness, etc. It's very hard to describe how I feel.

Ironically, tomorrow's is a Father's Day. Fatherless aye~

Comically, I told myself that I would not be a pretty birthday girl tomorrow. I am turning 21 on the 21st of June. Sigh.. I was really looking forward to my birthday. I have imagined being my good-self with positive image and go out to enjoy myself. I wonder whether it is still possible.

I think that's all for my rantings. Thanks for listening and having a non-judgemental attitude over this matter.

 

No worries. I will survive through. I know that I am tougher than I look.

ps. pardon my grammer. I'm not in the mood to check them.

Bored & Random

Currently bored.....

 

So, I decided to kill some time through blogging.

Oh yeah! 

Currently, I'm aiming for this phone, Nokia 5800.

Hope that I can get it before the summer ends. *pray hard* >u<

  

 

So here are some random stuf that I've found on the internet(pics) and made up.

Enjoy~~~

 

 

When you got pwned/owned.. this is how you might look like:=-

 

Hmmm...

It's holiday...

However, we should always try to revise what we've learnt over the last semester and enjoy the holiday at the same time.

 

If you ask me what kind of super power I would wish for..

The power to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!

How should this power work?

For example..

 

One of my favourite past time is to look at the mirror.

I just can't stop enjoy looking myself at the mirror.

Why??

I'm too awesome!!

 

What are you laughing at??

Narcisism is not a crime kay!

  

I know.. I know..

I still look cute even when I'm angry. xD

 

Yesh.. as cute as this!

I'm cute and awesome!!

@o@

 

Okay..

Fine......

No more joke.

I know my jokes are too cold.

Sorry..

T_T

 

 

That's all for now.

Happy summer!!

 

My Summer Plan Review

 

The below is my checklist for the summer.

However, it seemed that my scanner was malfunctioning.

So I ended up using my mom's phone to take this picture. (my phone spoiled)

On the other hand, the blur image may be a good thing. To protect my privacy. ^_^

Anyway, hope that by end of this summer, I'll be able to complete most of what I have intended to do.

 

 

All the best to me~

Enjoy your summer!

@_@ & @u@

By the street..

Princess: Aww.. look at this little piglet. 

So cute. @u@  

*pinch pinch*

Little piglet: Argh.. what are you doing!?!?

                      Stop pinching me. Eww..ewwww. @o@"

Princess: Hey, where are you going?

Wait for me.. >_< 

*run - chase*

Little piglet: Stop following me..

                      I don't even know you. Leave me alone. @_@

Princess: I just need someone to accompany me.

I've got nothing to do. ^^"

Little piglet: ~@_@~ 

                      erm.. ok.  Owh.. look! A kookooo bird!

                      *pokes & runs off*

Princess: Kia!~~ *surprised* o.o" 

TnT" I'm alone again.

That Night..

Little piglet: *dreaming*

dreams--> He met the princess again. Somehow, he kissed her in his dream. @o@"

                      *wakes up.. puffing* O_O

                      What a nightmare~ =o="

The Next Day..

Princess: *wandering in her garden*

Little piglet: *saw princess*

                      Uhh uhhh...

                       *blushes*

Princess: Ohh..Morning. ^_^                

Why are you doing here?

Little piglet: I'm on an errand assigned by the King.

Princess: O.O" You are a knight?

Little piglet: Yeah~ ^^"

King: Well, well.. So you both have known each other.

There is no need for me to introduce then.

My dear daughter, meet your future husband.

Hohohohoho.. ^o^

Little piglet: Huh?? @_@"

Princess: *blushes* ~@u@~

~The End~

  

 Some random stuff.. in the end.. I don't know how to end it.  sweat.. ^^"

Year 1 just flew off...

 

In a blink of an eye, time just flew by, Year1 has gone.

 

Summer has arrived.

 

It still feels like yesterday on the first day of uni. 

I have learnt tons of things. Those are such as knowledge of course, skills, critical thinking, dota, and most importantly friendship.

I have manage to find myself quite a number of people that I can consider them as friends. Fortunately to say, the numbers are more than a handfull.

So, here, let me list those that I've manage to come to trust and be comfortable with as friends.

 

Wen Shan - the friend I trust most in uni.

Lian Hing - another trusted friend.

Ko Wei - my pet brother

Jon Ngau - my another pet brother

Benjamin - funny fellow =P

Sarah 

WenShin

hmm...many more. =D

 

I am really glad that my circle of friendsip has grown bigger over the years. Apart from these uni friends, I am really thankful for the supports from my Assunta friends, A-level friends, Sha Zhu and parents.

 

I pray that everyone is blessed with happiness, peacefulness and wholesomeness(if there is such word).

 

Next update will be revealling my plan for the summer. Stay tune~